Jarod Kintz > Quotes

“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

“One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”
― Jarod Kintz

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want

“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.
”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

“She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to. 
”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“You know what I like most about people? Pets.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. 
”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.
”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time." What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want

“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33