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Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus
All of us want to raise good kids. And we want to be good parents. But what exactly do we mean by "good?" And is "being good" really the point?
Mother-daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson contend that every way we try to make our kids "good" is simply an extension of Old Testament Law--a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also powerless to change them.
No, rules are not the answer. What they need is GRACE.
We must tell our kids of the grace-giving God who freely adopts rebels and transforms them into loving sons and daughters. If this is not the message your children hear, if you are just telling them to "be good," then the gospel needs to transform your parenting too.
Give Them Grace is a revolutionary perspective on parenting that shows us how to receive the gospel afresh and give grace in abundance, helping our children know the dazzling love of Jesus and respond with heartfelt obedience.
Mother-daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson contend that every way we try to make our kids "good" is simply an extension of Old Testament Law--a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also powerless to change them.
No, rules are not the answer. What they need is GRACE.
We must tell our kids of the grace-giving God who freely adopts rebels and transforms them into loving sons and daughters. If this is not the message your children hear, if you are just telling them to "be good," then the gospel needs to transform your parenting too.
Give Them Grace is a revolutionary perspective on parenting that shows us how to receive the gospel afresh and give grace in abundance, helping our children know the dazzling love of Jesus and respond with heartfelt obedience.
216 pages, Paperback
First published May 6, 2011
About the author
Elyse M. Fitzpatrick
51 books453 followersAuthor of 20+ books on the Christian life and the gospel's impact on everyday living, Elyse is a frequent speaker at women's conferences nationally and internationally.
Elyse's ministry is summed up in these simple words: No fluff, No bricks, just the good news of a crucified and risen Christ.
In 1971 she married her sweetheart Phil and together they raised three children and are enjoying six really adorable grandchildren.
Together they attend Valley Center Community Church in the hills of the North County of San Diego where Phil is an elder.
Elyse's ministry is summed up in these simple words: No fluff, No bricks, just the good news of a crucified and risen Christ.
In 1971 she married her sweetheart Phil and together they raised three children and are enjoying six really adorable grandchildren.
Together they attend Valley Center Community Church in the hills of the North County of San Diego where Phil is an elder.
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September 16, 2011
Preface to Make a Long Review even Longer
I have an 18-month-old. He usually behaves pretty well. For an 18-month-old. I think. You see, I’ve never had one before, I haven’t made a whole lot of observations of 18-month-olds, and I don’t ever remember being one.
So should you take my review of this parenting book with a grain of salt? Maybe more than one grain? Sure, yes. Always do that. I try to season my words with salt already, so it shouldn’t be too hard.
But here at the outset I want to deflect the criticism that someone who’s only barely a dad would say anything, positive or negative, about a parenting book. I want to deflect that more-than-justified criticism by saying that in this review I stuck to the things I have some training and background in. I don’t know whether my method of spanking or not spanking (can I just leave it at that?) “works” yet. I don’t know what kinds of talks are best to have with a perpetually lying third grader. I don’t know what to do when a three-year-old absolutely refuses to eat something she loved just yesterday.
But I have had a bit of exegetical training in my time. I’ve at least sat in a lot of classrooms where people who knew theology talked about it in my hearing. And the book I’m reviewing is a theology book if it’s anything.
So here we go…
The Review
I recently read Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, written by Christian counselor Elyse Fitzpatrick with help from her daughter, Jessica Thompson.
Positives
The book was basically an excuse to teach theology to people (specifically parents) who are desperate for any help they can get, even if it’s theology—and to be clear, I think that’s a great idea! I wasn’t actually familiar with Elyse’s background when I first picked up the book, but the more I read the more I knew this was someone who had training in biblical studies. Again, a good thing. She deals responsibly with the Bible. I liked this little statement, for example: “Justification is a word that simply means that our record is both ‘just as if we had never sinned’ and also ‘just as if we had always obeyed.’” And this one: “Grace is stronger than all our work and all our weakness.” I got the distinct impression several times that I was reading a systematic theology chapter whose applications were all made to parenting. And very few times she used theological jargon—“the already and the not yet,” the “covenant of works”—that will befuddle some readers. But I think these are actually good things.
Another positive came in the numbers of great illustrations of the kinds of trials moms face. All those stories rang true for me, borne as they clearly were out of a lot of mommying with kids of all ages.
The grace we are supposed to give our kids is something we should also receive from a gracious God ourselves, and that is a welcome message to a heart which wants my kid to be good:
Good! And so was this:
Insightful. Spot-on.
I also found it helpful when Elyse talked about how the genre of the Proverbs should adjust our expectations for how to apply them.
Another positive: the David and Susan story, mirroring the two sons in Luke 15, was artfully done. David corresponded to the prodigal son, Susan to the older brother, so this little insight helped me:
The basic message of the book can probably be summarized in the one acrostic the authors allow themselves to indulge in (which seems to me to be the appropriate number for acrostics in any given book): MNTCP—Management, Nurturing, Training, Correcting, and remembering the Promises of the Gospel. There are times when you just need to manage your kids: “Don’t touch that! Put on your shoes! Get out of the street!” But there are times when nurturing or training or correcting is the appropriate biblical solution to a given circumstance.
What Makes Me Nervous
But the focus of Mrs. Fitzpatrick’s book is on “P,” Promise: telling your kids of God’s promises in the gospel. And this is where I find myself humbly and fearfully nervous. Not condemning, not necessarily disagreeing, not sure of a better way, just nervous.
Let me be absolutely clear: I’m a man of my generation, and I have most certainly found myself talking just like Elyse Fitzpatrick over the last few years. God-centered living: check. Grace-empowered sanctification: check. Only by God’s grace can children (or anyone) do anything good: check, check, Honey Nut Chex—my favorite. And I’d like to think I came by these conclusions honestly, although certainly not without help. I remember as an 18-year-old counselor at a Christian camp arguing with a more astute junior higher that, according to Romans 8:8, unregenerated people cannot do anything to please God.
But my dissertation taught me a lesson that will take me a lifetime of grace to live out: I want to be very careful to talk like the Bible does, to try to mimic as best I can its own balance between, for example, imperatives and indicatives. Frankly, I’m afraid that in the rapidly proliferating number of Gospel-Centered books I sense a bit of a pendulum swing from the former to the latter. We’ve seen that legalism doesn’t work, so let’s swing over to grace!
I got a few hints of the pendulum swing in words like these:
• “In what ways do you use the Bible as a rule book instead of as the ‘good news?’”
• “If you believe the Bible, we are sure you realize that neither we nor our children are truly good. ‘Good girl!’ ‘Good job!’ ‘You’re a beautiful princess!’—that is the unceasing refrain as parents seek to create their version of successful, good children…. Our encouragement should always stimulate praise for God’s grace rather than for our goodness.”
• “What you need as a praying parent is a deep drink of the great love of God, your Father, not more commands to pray.”
Let me say immediately, however, that the authors of this particular book are not guilty of a full swing; they have not taken the opposite tack all the way. They do have a significant place for family rules, they are definitely conservative Christians who are opposed to worldliness, and they give a great quote from Bryan Chappell to prove all that: “Grace does not forbid giving directions, promises, corrections, and warnings. Only cruelty would forbid such help.”
But I’m still nervous. I need to be careful about saying “Good boy!” when my son puts his blankie down on command? Do I really have to say, “My son, your action is a faint picture, by God’s grace, of the character of Jesus!”? Yes, it has to be possible to puff our kids up so much that they feel they’re gooder than they really are. But—limiting my comment to my own experience as a dad and a son—I can only see the pleasure my son gets from my pleasure in his good deeds as a good thing, an echo of a born again child’s relationship to his heavenly Father. My son is not (usually?) complex enough to think, “I’m going to earn dad’s favor by being good!” Instead, when he takes pleasure in my approval, he is being driven by the best motivation at his disposal. That, in turn, should train him to be ready to delight in the smile of God on his life—right? If I meet all his efforts at obedience with a mini-theology lesson, won’t I discourage him? Can’t I just love him and delight in him as my son? It’s true that he may turn out to be a lifelong rebel against God, but that won’t be because I trained him to be motivated in part by my smile on his good behavior.
Epic Talks
One recurring feature in the book will provide an almost visceral illustration of what can go wrong with a pendulum swing: the multiple scripted mom-to-child talks. Mrs. Fitzpatrick provides many paragraphs of gospel-centered sermonettes moms can deliver when their progeny misbehave:
I have an 18-month-old and a little unborn mom-kicker, so I need to be careful not to assume I know better. But I just couldn’t find myself saying the things Elyse mapped out. (Kevin DeYoung says the same thing hilariously and gently in this post.) One Amazon reviewer pointed out that the gospel is going to sound hackneyed after a while if moms and dads use these scripts as frequently (and make them as lengthy) as Elyse seems to suggest.
Again, Elyse leaves plenty of room for merely “managing” children. Not every misdemeanor with the cookies should result in a gospel homily. But I still felt these talks were overdone.
Conclusion
Sheesh. It feels so awful to criticize this book. The authors sound like women straight out of Proverbs 31 whose husbands are blessed to be married to them. (“She writeth a Crossway book and selleth it.”) I do think legalistic parenting is a big problem, and I honestly and genuinely hope lots of people will read this book. I would not be afraid to recommend it to anyone but those on the antinomian extreme of the pendulum swing.
I have used this book review as a vehicle, really, to get at a broader potential problem. And to practice something I’m trying (by grace!) to inculcate into my own too-sinful life: a careful, scriptural balance. We can’t go from trusting in our rules to trusting in our accurate understanding and explanation of grace (or, worse, grace-based slogans like “Gospel-centered”). Let’s have all the right rules, all the right explanations of grace—and then trust in the God who gave us both. Jesus said, “The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” God gives the increase to our labors.
I have an 18-month-old. He usually behaves pretty well. For an 18-month-old. I think. You see, I’ve never had one before, I haven’t made a whole lot of observations of 18-month-olds, and I don’t ever remember being one.
So should you take my review of this parenting book with a grain of salt? Maybe more than one grain? Sure, yes. Always do that. I try to season my words with salt already, so it shouldn’t be too hard.
But here at the outset I want to deflect the criticism that someone who’s only barely a dad would say anything, positive or negative, about a parenting book. I want to deflect that more-than-justified criticism by saying that in this review I stuck to the things I have some training and background in. I don’t know whether my method of spanking or not spanking (can I just leave it at that?) “works” yet. I don’t know what kinds of talks are best to have with a perpetually lying third grader. I don’t know what to do when a three-year-old absolutely refuses to eat something she loved just yesterday.
But I have had a bit of exegetical training in my time. I’ve at least sat in a lot of classrooms where people who knew theology talked about it in my hearing. And the book I’m reviewing is a theology book if it’s anything.
So here we go…
The Review
I recently read Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, written by Christian counselor Elyse Fitzpatrick with help from her daughter, Jessica Thompson.
Positives
The book was basically an excuse to teach theology to people (specifically parents) who are desperate for any help they can get, even if it’s theology—and to be clear, I think that’s a great idea! I wasn’t actually familiar with Elyse’s background when I first picked up the book, but the more I read the more I knew this was someone who had training in biblical studies. Again, a good thing. She deals responsibly with the Bible. I liked this little statement, for example: “Justification is a word that simply means that our record is both ‘just as if we had never sinned’ and also ‘just as if we had always obeyed.’” And this one: “Grace is stronger than all our work and all our weakness.” I got the distinct impression several times that I was reading a systematic theology chapter whose applications were all made to parenting. And very few times she used theological jargon—“the already and the not yet,” the “covenant of works”—that will befuddle some readers. But I think these are actually good things.
Another positive came in the numbers of great illustrations of the kinds of trials moms face. All those stories rang true for me, borne as they clearly were out of a lot of mommying with kids of all ages.
The grace we are supposed to give our kids is something we should also receive from a gracious God ourselves, and that is a welcome message to a heart which wants my kid to be good:
How can we tell whether our efforts at parenting are motivated by reliance on God’s grace or on self-trust? How can we know whether we’re trying to obligate God or serve him in gratitude? One way to judge is to consider your reaction when your children fail. If you are angry, frustrated, or despairing because you work so hard and they aren’t responding, then you’re working (at least in part) for the wrong reasons. Conversely, if you’re proud when your children obey and you get those desired kudos—Oh! your kids are so good!—you should suspect your motives. Both pride and despair grow in the self-reliant heart.
Good! And so was this:
There are no promises in the Bible of salvation or even success for faithful parenting. In fact, in the story that’s normally called “the prodigal son” (Luke 15), Jesus described a good father who had two lost sons. One son was lost to immorality and the other to morality. Of course, in this story, the Father is God. If we say that good parents (as if there were such a thing!) always produce good kids, then God must not have been a good Father. You know that it’s blasphemous even to think that way. Remember also that Jesus poured his life into twelve men for three years, and one of them betrayed him and fell utterly, and another denied him but was ultimately saved. Why were Judas and Peter such failures at Christ’s hour of need? Was it because he hadn’t taught them well enough, or did God’s sovereign plan have something to do with it?
Insightful. Spot-on.
I also found it helpful when Elyse talked about how the genre of the Proverbs should adjust our expectations for how to apply them.
Another positive: the David and Susan story, mirroring the two sons in Luke 15, was artfully done. David corresponded to the prodigal son, Susan to the older brother, so this little insight helped me:
Teaching David that he and Susan and Mom and Dad are all lost, all sick, all in need of salvation is so very crucial, whereas saying things like, “Why can’t you be more like Susan?” obliterates the gospel message. It tells David that there is something intrinsically wrong with him that isn’t wrong with Susan. It destroys his hope of ever hearing God’s benediction of goodness over his life. It breeds unbelief and despair. And, it is false.
The basic message of the book can probably be summarized in the one acrostic the authors allow themselves to indulge in (which seems to me to be the appropriate number for acrostics in any given book): MNTCP—Management, Nurturing, Training, Correcting, and remembering the Promises of the Gospel. There are times when you just need to manage your kids: “Don’t touch that! Put on your shoes! Get out of the street!” But there are times when nurturing or training or correcting is the appropriate biblical solution to a given circumstance.
What Makes Me Nervous
But the focus of Mrs. Fitzpatrick’s book is on “P,” Promise: telling your kids of God’s promises in the gospel. And this is where I find myself humbly and fearfully nervous. Not condemning, not necessarily disagreeing, not sure of a better way, just nervous.
Let me be absolutely clear: I’m a man of my generation, and I have most certainly found myself talking just like Elyse Fitzpatrick over the last few years. God-centered living: check. Grace-empowered sanctification: check. Only by God’s grace can children (or anyone) do anything good: check, check, Honey Nut Chex—my favorite. And I’d like to think I came by these conclusions honestly, although certainly not without help. I remember as an 18-year-old counselor at a Christian camp arguing with a more astute junior higher that, according to Romans 8:8, unregenerated people cannot do anything to please God.
But my dissertation taught me a lesson that will take me a lifetime of grace to live out: I want to be very careful to talk like the Bible does, to try to mimic as best I can its own balance between, for example, imperatives and indicatives. Frankly, I’m afraid that in the rapidly proliferating number of Gospel-Centered books I sense a bit of a pendulum swing from the former to the latter. We’ve seen that legalism doesn’t work, so let’s swing over to grace!
I got a few hints of the pendulum swing in words like these:
• “In what ways do you use the Bible as a rule book instead of as the ‘good news?’”
• “If you believe the Bible, we are sure you realize that neither we nor our children are truly good. ‘Good girl!’ ‘Good job!’ ‘You’re a beautiful princess!’—that is the unceasing refrain as parents seek to create their version of successful, good children…. Our encouragement should always stimulate praise for God’s grace rather than for our goodness.”
• “What you need as a praying parent is a deep drink of the great love of God, your Father, not more commands to pray.”
Let me say immediately, however, that the authors of this particular book are not guilty of a full swing; they have not taken the opposite tack all the way. They do have a significant place for family rules, they are definitely conservative Christians who are opposed to worldliness, and they give a great quote from Bryan Chappell to prove all that: “Grace does not forbid giving directions, promises, corrections, and warnings. Only cruelty would forbid such help.”
But I’m still nervous. I need to be careful about saying “Good boy!” when my son puts his blankie down on command? Do I really have to say, “My son, your action is a faint picture, by God’s grace, of the character of Jesus!”? Yes, it has to be possible to puff our kids up so much that they feel they’re gooder than they really are. But—limiting my comment to my own experience as a dad and a son—I can only see the pleasure my son gets from my pleasure in his good deeds as a good thing, an echo of a born again child’s relationship to his heavenly Father. My son is not (usually?) complex enough to think, “I’m going to earn dad’s favor by being good!” Instead, when he takes pleasure in my approval, he is being driven by the best motivation at his disposal. That, in turn, should train him to be ready to delight in the smile of God on his life—right? If I meet all his efforts at obedience with a mini-theology lesson, won’t I discourage him? Can’t I just love him and delight in him as my son? It’s true that he may turn out to be a lifelong rebel against God, but that won’t be because I trained him to be motivated in part by my smile on his good behavior.
Epic Talks
One recurring feature in the book will provide an almost visceral illustration of what can go wrong with a pendulum swing: the multiple scripted mom-to-child talks. Mrs. Fitzpatrick provides many paragraphs of gospel-centered sermonettes moms can deliver when their progeny misbehave:
Sweetheart, I will discipline you now because I love you, and you must learn to control yourself. When I tell you that it is time to go, we must leave. I know you didn’t want to go, but when we don’t get what we want, it isn’t okay to start screaming and throw yourself to the ground. There are two things you must understand: first, you were being unsafe. God has put me in charge of you, and he has told me to keep you safe. When you lie in a parking lot with cars around, you could get hurt. So, when I tell you to come, I am doing what I believe will keep you safe. Second, when you don’t get what you want, you are not allowed to start screaming and crying. You are sinning against God and against me when you disobey and complain. I understand that you didn’t want to leave the park. I know how difficult it is to show control when you don’t get what you want. And because you can’t control yourself, you need Jesus. Do you know what he did when he had to go somewhere he didn’t want to go? He told God that he would do whatever God wanted him to do. He did that for you, and he did that for me. The place he didn’t want to go was the cross. He knew the cross was going to be hard, and it would hurt him a lot. But he did what he didn’t want to do because he loved us. But I want you to know that you’re not the only one getting disciplined today. Today God showed me his love by disciplining me, too. He showed me ways that I was being disobedient in my heart, too. He showed me my pride and my anger. Discipline hurts, but I have faith that God will use it in both of our lives to make us love him more.
I have an 18-month-old and a little unborn mom-kicker, so I need to be careful not to assume I know better. But I just couldn’t find myself saying the things Elyse mapped out. (Kevin DeYoung says the same thing hilariously and gently in this post.) One Amazon reviewer pointed out that the gospel is going to sound hackneyed after a while if moms and dads use these scripts as frequently (and make them as lengthy) as Elyse seems to suggest.
Again, Elyse leaves plenty of room for merely “managing” children. Not every misdemeanor with the cookies should result in a gospel homily. But I still felt these talks were overdone.
Conclusion
Sheesh. It feels so awful to criticize this book. The authors sound like women straight out of Proverbs 31 whose husbands are blessed to be married to them. (“She writeth a Crossway book and selleth it.”) I do think legalistic parenting is a big problem, and I honestly and genuinely hope lots of people will read this book. I would not be afraid to recommend it to anyone but those on the antinomian extreme of the pendulum swing.
I have used this book review as a vehicle, really, to get at a broader potential problem. And to practice something I’m trying (by grace!) to inculcate into my own too-sinful life: a careful, scriptural balance. We can’t go from trusting in our rules to trusting in our accurate understanding and explanation of grace (or, worse, grace-based slogans like “Gospel-centered”). Let’s have all the right rules, all the right explanations of grace—and then trust in the God who gave us both. Jesus said, “The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” God gives the increase to our labors.
March 26, 2012
I wanted to like this book. I did. But I just couldn't. My problems with this book aren't conceptual. The main problem is that it's poorly written. They go on and on and every chapter pretty much says the same thing as the first, with slight modifications. Even they say it's all about the simplicity of the cross, repeating it over and over to your children, and that's exactly what I felt like I was getting. The same message over and over. The book is even written like they are speaking to children--"Now I know this might be scary..." "We trust you are taking this seriously..." "We know this concept might be new to you..." "Please DO take your time thinking seriously..." Please. I understand these are style things, and not content-focused, but they still bugged me.
In addition, I feel like the book is, ironically, a little judgmental. I just don't agree with their premise that just because something isn't "Christian" doesn't make it good. There are good methods for behavior management and even nurturing out there (despite their judgmental jab at Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages for Kids). Of course non-Christian parenting books don't train our children in the gospel, but they can be helpful with other things. I cringed when I read how the author "confessed" she used a marble jar system of rewards/punishment for her kids, implying it was sinful. I have friends who employ this method, but aren't dumb enough to think they are "saving" their kids. Thye are just helping their kids in a tangible way to see consequences. That's part of management.
The book also seems very inorganic. We're supposed to tell a child who has just lost a baseball game, "Honey, you're not acting like what Jesus did was enough!" That's just weird.
I think the reason I struggled with it is that the concepts of this book, to bring into incarnational form, are so deeply personal and unique. It certainly explains why they never hit the nail on the head of HOW to "dazzle" your kids with the gospel. They kind of dance around the how, but it's not very clear, in my opinion. (I still didn't get that. How exactly does the gospel "dazzle?") Bringing God's amazing grace to our children is not something you can sit and explain in a book, or if it is, this certainly isn't one of them.
In addition, I feel like the book is, ironically, a little judgmental. I just don't agree with their premise that just because something isn't "Christian" doesn't make it good. There are good methods for behavior management and even nurturing out there (despite their judgmental jab at Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages for Kids). Of course non-Christian parenting books don't train our children in the gospel, but they can be helpful with other things. I cringed when I read how the author "confessed" she used a marble jar system of rewards/punishment for her kids, implying it was sinful. I have friends who employ this method, but aren't dumb enough to think they are "saving" their kids. Thye are just helping their kids in a tangible way to see consequences. That's part of management.
The book also seems very inorganic. We're supposed to tell a child who has just lost a baseball game, "Honey, you're not acting like what Jesus did was enough!" That's just weird.
I think the reason I struggled with it is that the concepts of this book, to bring into incarnational form, are so deeply personal and unique. It certainly explains why they never hit the nail on the head of HOW to "dazzle" your kids with the gospel. They kind of dance around the how, but it's not very clear, in my opinion. (I still didn't get that. How exactly does the gospel "dazzle?") Bringing God's amazing grace to our children is not something you can sit and explain in a book, or if it is, this certainly isn't one of them.
March 27, 2013
I'm sorry. I cannot recommend this book to anyone. I just can't get behind this type of parenting, I suppose. Perhaps I am not "Christian" enough but I do not think it's necessary to destroy my child to drive them to Christ. The scenarios are ridiculous with huge, long lectures....even when the child does good! Oh, wait. Kids can't be good.
I think we do need to dazzle our kids with the love of Jesus. Giving long guilt trips any time they complain or have a poor attitude just isn't healthy, IMO. I can never tell my child "Good job!"? Or that she is being good? I can't thank her for sharing a swing?
Perhaps implemented in a way I can't fathom, this parenting can be awesome. Maybe it's just not for me. I can see how this could possibly lead to emotionally manipulative or abusive parenting. I think it could be quite damaging.
Yes, we should live gospel-centered lives but when a 4 year old is having a meltdown in a parking lot, he is NOT going to listen to you lecturing about Jesus dying on the cross when he is hysterical and can't hear you over his screaming. I feel doing this with any negative attitudes could turn our children AWAY from the gospel.
Also, give it a rest with the Mormons. I am not Mormon but goodness gracious. It is not preaching your gospel when you have to tear others down. Your beliefs will stand on their own.
I think we do need to dazzle our kids with the love of Jesus. Giving long guilt trips any time they complain or have a poor attitude just isn't healthy, IMO. I can never tell my child "Good job!"? Or that she is being good? I can't thank her for sharing a swing?
Perhaps implemented in a way I can't fathom, this parenting can be awesome. Maybe it's just not for me. I can see how this could possibly lead to emotionally manipulative or abusive parenting. I think it could be quite damaging.
Yes, we should live gospel-centered lives but when a 4 year old is having a meltdown in a parking lot, he is NOT going to listen to you lecturing about Jesus dying on the cross when he is hysterical and can't hear you over his screaming. I feel doing this with any negative attitudes could turn our children AWAY from the gospel.
Also, give it a rest with the Mormons. I am not Mormon but goodness gracious. It is not preaching your gospel when you have to tear others down. Your beliefs will stand on their own.
August 30, 2014
I laid aside my skepticism of books that have words like "dazzle" in their title for a while to read this book, of which I've heard some rave reviews.
In essence, the first 90 pages (or so) are largely consumed with establishing a theological foundation. One's view of the book will be significantly coloured by their perspective on that foundation.
As you can gather from the two star rating, I am not fond of this book. That said, I don't regret reading it and learned a few things. One must applaud the authors for attempting to write a "fresh" parenting book that isn't the "same old stuff". The book does get better after the 90-or-so-page-mark, the content is a bit more nuanced and practical. I like that it seeks to magnify the grace of God. I like that it attempts to lead parents away from prideful self sufficiency and away from Christless parenting. I like that it tries to get parents to thoughtfully engage in parenting in a way that is gracious and points their children to the gospel. While I can't recommend the book, I *do* like that the authors are seeking to challenge people to discern what is distinctively Christian in their way of parenting.
That said, I believe there are some significant theological problems, both in explicit statements and in general emphasis. Those who have been in Reformedish circles over the last couple of years will immediately see the connection with the controversial Tullian Tchvidjian. This should not come as a surprise when Tullian himself says in his foreword that Elyse "taught me a ton" about the gospel. The book's theology is basically that of Tchividjian and has more of a Lutheran theological flavour than a Reformed one. After all, five of the ten chapters begin with a quote from Luther or Lutheran theologians. I am almost tempted to theorize that beyond writing the foreword, Tullian may have been the "ghost writer".
The outlook if the whole book is affected by the basic emphasis of the 'Liberate Conference' or 'Grace Lit' fad. Such a perspective pervades the first 90-or-so-pages and is the underpinning of the rest. The third use of the law is severely under emphasized. The underlining assumption is that there is only one proper and safe motivation to obedience--gratitude. One might say the book's outlook leans significantly in the direction of "soft antinomianism"--not necessarily overt antinomianism, but undertones of it. As Tullian is known to do, the book utilizes Gerhard Forde--who it should be noted is even regarded by many Lutherans as having antinomian tendencies.
In many places the gospel is "over applied". And the distinctions in the different "levels" of obedience, while having some value, are perhaps taken too far and given too much weight. If you are going to read it, I believe the theology and practice of the book should be taken with a grain of salt, and you will have to be prepared to take the good and throw out the bad. I will not get into a deeper theological discussion of these issues I'm noting, since this is a book review, not a theological dissertation. I will simply say that if you've seen any problems in Tullian Tchividjian's theology, you will probably find them here as well.
I believe there are other problems with the book, beyond its theological perspective, and these further add to my justification for the two-star rating I gave.
Some of the examples of conversations are unhelpful. I like that the book gives concrete examples of what parents can say in different situations (many, parenting books are far too abstract). However, a good many of the examples are unrealistic and unhelpfully verbose. They are tedious and unlikely to dazzle a kid--even if approximated with some adjustments. And there is little specific guidance as to how "age appropriateness" fits in to the equation, other than a reference to the different types of obedience and an observation that they are more or less relevant at different ages.
Furthermore, one or two of the suggested speeches seem to be lacking in wisdom and tact. The worst of them almost sound like a stereotypical Christian parent from a sitcom or the Simpsons. Seriously: you are going to lecture your kid on his eternal state when he blows his team's baseball game? I can't imagine how that sounded good even in the "laboratory" of theory! I doubt it would "dazzle" any kid. I realize they are just examples, but I think these flaws seriously compromise the usefulness of the examples. If you read the reviews, the vast majority of the non-4-or-5-star reviews bring up this aspect.
The writing style leaves much to be desired. Even though the general flow is jumpy and flighty at times, there is, on the other hand, too much rehashing and repetition. Dramatic words like "dazzle", "drench", and "bombarded" are over used.
I also think the tone could have been worked on, especially for a book about "giving grace"--leading the reader to believe that perhaps the author's law vs. gospel categories are perhaps not as "airtight" in practice as they are in theory. Even some of the speeches that are meant to "give grace, not law", seem sort of "legal" (by their definition of "legal/law", not mine) in tone. The comments at the end of the chapters about "what the Holy Spirit may be teaching through the chapter" (not an exact quote) may add to the perception of a "preachy" and "talking down" feel to the book.
I would love to see a book come out which had some similar goals, but with a better theological foundation/framework (more sound on law/gospel issues), written better, and more concise and realistic examples. That improvement would trickle down to many minor details in the book--making it a stronger book all-round. Such a hypothetical book may not get Tullian's endorsement, but it would at least be more robust and realistic. And I suppose there is always the recourse of a tried and tested J. I. Packer endorsement.
In essence, the first 90 pages (or so) are largely consumed with establishing a theological foundation. One's view of the book will be significantly coloured by their perspective on that foundation.
As you can gather from the two star rating, I am not fond of this book. That said, I don't regret reading it and learned a few things. One must applaud the authors for attempting to write a "fresh" parenting book that isn't the "same old stuff". The book does get better after the 90-or-so-page-mark, the content is a bit more nuanced and practical. I like that it seeks to magnify the grace of God. I like that it attempts to lead parents away from prideful self sufficiency and away from Christless parenting. I like that it tries to get parents to thoughtfully engage in parenting in a way that is gracious and points their children to the gospel. While I can't recommend the book, I *do* like that the authors are seeking to challenge people to discern what is distinctively Christian in their way of parenting.
That said, I believe there are some significant theological problems, both in explicit statements and in general emphasis. Those who have been in Reformedish circles over the last couple of years will immediately see the connection with the controversial Tullian Tchvidjian. This should not come as a surprise when Tullian himself says in his foreword that Elyse "taught me a ton" about the gospel. The book's theology is basically that of Tchividjian and has more of a Lutheran theological flavour than a Reformed one. After all, five of the ten chapters begin with a quote from Luther or Lutheran theologians. I am almost tempted to theorize that beyond writing the foreword, Tullian may have been the "ghost writer".
The outlook if the whole book is affected by the basic emphasis of the 'Liberate Conference' or 'Grace Lit' fad. Such a perspective pervades the first 90-or-so-pages and is the underpinning of the rest. The third use of the law is severely under emphasized. The underlining assumption is that there is only one proper and safe motivation to obedience--gratitude. One might say the book's outlook leans significantly in the direction of "soft antinomianism"--not necessarily overt antinomianism, but undertones of it. As Tullian is known to do, the book utilizes Gerhard Forde--who it should be noted is even regarded by many Lutherans as having antinomian tendencies.
In many places the gospel is "over applied". And the distinctions in the different "levels" of obedience, while having some value, are perhaps taken too far and given too much weight. If you are going to read it, I believe the theology and practice of the book should be taken with a grain of salt, and you will have to be prepared to take the good and throw out the bad. I will not get into a deeper theological discussion of these issues I'm noting, since this is a book review, not a theological dissertation. I will simply say that if you've seen any problems in Tullian Tchividjian's theology, you will probably find them here as well.
I believe there are other problems with the book, beyond its theological perspective, and these further add to my justification for the two-star rating I gave.
Some of the examples of conversations are unhelpful. I like that the book gives concrete examples of what parents can say in different situations (many, parenting books are far too abstract). However, a good many of the examples are unrealistic and unhelpfully verbose. They are tedious and unlikely to dazzle a kid--even if approximated with some adjustments. And there is little specific guidance as to how "age appropriateness" fits in to the equation, other than a reference to the different types of obedience and an observation that they are more or less relevant at different ages.
Furthermore, one or two of the suggested speeches seem to be lacking in wisdom and tact. The worst of them almost sound like a stereotypical Christian parent from a sitcom or the Simpsons. Seriously: you are going to lecture your kid on his eternal state when he blows his team's baseball game? I can't imagine how that sounded good even in the "laboratory" of theory! I doubt it would "dazzle" any kid. I realize they are just examples, but I think these flaws seriously compromise the usefulness of the examples. If you read the reviews, the vast majority of the non-4-or-5-star reviews bring up this aspect.
The writing style leaves much to be desired. Even though the general flow is jumpy and flighty at times, there is, on the other hand, too much rehashing and repetition. Dramatic words like "dazzle", "drench", and "bombarded" are over used.
I also think the tone could have been worked on, especially for a book about "giving grace"--leading the reader to believe that perhaps the author's law vs. gospel categories are perhaps not as "airtight" in practice as they are in theory. Even some of the speeches that are meant to "give grace, not law", seem sort of "legal" (by their definition of "legal/law", not mine) in tone. The comments at the end of the chapters about "what the Holy Spirit may be teaching through the chapter" (not an exact quote) may add to the perception of a "preachy" and "talking down" feel to the book.
I would love to see a book come out which had some similar goals, but with a better theological foundation/framework (more sound on law/gospel issues), written better, and more concise and realistic examples. That improvement would trickle down to many minor details in the book--making it a stronger book all-round. Such a hypothetical book may not get Tullian's endorsement, but it would at least be more robust and realistic. And I suppose there is always the recourse of a tried and tested J. I. Packer endorsement.
December 4, 2013
I didn't finish this book and I won't because the author has chosen to be super hateful (and completely wrong) about Mormons, which she LOVES to bash repeatedly in this book, from the intro to the first few chapters.
Quote from chapter 1, page 37:
"If a Mormon can play the game exactly the same way you do, it isn't a Christian game. It's a morality game and we aren't moralists; we're Christians. If a Mormon can parent the same way you do, your parenting isn't Christian."
Quote from chapter 1, page 36:
"Every way we try to make our kids good that isn't rooted in the good news of the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ is damnable, crushing, despair-breeding, Pharisee-producing law. We won't get the results we want from the law.... We'll get moralistic kids who are cold and hypocritical and who look down on others (and could easily become Mormons)..."
Mormons ARE Christians, and they DO believe in grace. And categorizing Mormons as cold and hypocritical?? Really? Just let your hate flow Fitzpatrick!
As a Mormon parent I chose to pick up this book to see how I can use grace to help teach my children, and to better point them to their savior, to help them create a real, personal relationship with Him, instead of just teaching them and having them follow the rules (the same reason why other Christian parents are picking up this book, right?). The premise of the book is great, and I was willing to look past their introductory comment on Mormons, but it only continued, so I stopped.
I have read other Christian parenting books and gleaned great things from them. This one could have been great, but the authors chose to do little research and cast all "non-Christians" (Jews and atheists are also heavily referenced) as moralistic unbelievers, while simultaneously preaching how EVERYONE needs Christ's love and grace. Hypocritical, but Jesus does love hypocrites... Oh, wait, he really hated them actually. Don't believe me? Read the New Testament. The Lord is most disappointed by those who knew better.
Jesus loves everyone. And his grace will save everyone. Even hypocrites and MORMONS and those who think they have the right to judge others.
Quote from chapter 1, page 37:
"If a Mormon can play the game exactly the same way you do, it isn't a Christian game. It's a morality game and we aren't moralists; we're Christians. If a Mormon can parent the same way you do, your parenting isn't Christian."
Quote from chapter 1, page 36:
"Every way we try to make our kids good that isn't rooted in the good news of the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ is damnable, crushing, despair-breeding, Pharisee-producing law. We won't get the results we want from the law.... We'll get moralistic kids who are cold and hypocritical and who look down on others (and could easily become Mormons)..."
Mormons ARE Christians, and they DO believe in grace. And categorizing Mormons as cold and hypocritical?? Really? Just let your hate flow Fitzpatrick!
As a Mormon parent I chose to pick up this book to see how I can use grace to help teach my children, and to better point them to their savior, to help them create a real, personal relationship with Him, instead of just teaching them and having them follow the rules (the same reason why other Christian parents are picking up this book, right?). The premise of the book is great, and I was willing to look past their introductory comment on Mormons, but it only continued, so I stopped.
I have read other Christian parenting books and gleaned great things from them. This one could have been great, but the authors chose to do little research and cast all "non-Christians" (Jews and atheists are also heavily referenced) as moralistic unbelievers, while simultaneously preaching how EVERYONE needs Christ's love and grace. Hypocritical, but Jesus does love hypocrites... Oh, wait, he really hated them actually. Don't believe me? Read the New Testament. The Lord is most disappointed by those who knew better.
Jesus loves everyone. And his grace will save everyone. Even hypocrites and MORMONS and those who think they have the right to judge others.
October 9, 2018
Loved this book, although I definitely took my time reading small sections of it. The last chapter resonated deeply with me. If you’re struggling to see the big picture of parenting, I recommend this book!The quote below is something I need to keep coming back to:
“Parenting in grace is not parenting on the basis of your own consistent gospel-centeredness. It is just the opposite. Parenting in grace is parenting on the basis of Christ’s consistent perfections alone.”
“Parenting in grace is not parenting on the basis of your own consistent gospel-centeredness. It is just the opposite. Parenting in grace is parenting on the basis of Christ’s consistent perfections alone.”
January 25, 2012
Give Them Grace asks readers a very important question: how does believing the gospel change the way that you parent? The authors assert that if the way Christians parent is the same as a devout Muslim or Jew, there must be something wrong. I think this is a paradigm shift that is very important for Christian parents, and one that I have been excited to see more and more of in the last five to ten years.
The overall message of the book will be a balm to many readers. Resting in grace, parenting with humility, dependence on God, these are all messages that parents need to be reminded of. There are no guarantees and no quick fixes. Parenting is hard. I think many parents will find this an encouragement on many levels.
Because I have seen her books recommended in presbyterian circles so often, I was genuinely surprised by how un-covenantal this book was. (Fitzpatrick has a Sovereign Grace / Reformed Baptist background.) In the first several chapters alone, it talks many times about not presuming your children are regenerate, that they might pray a prayer just to please you and if they aren't saved, they don't have the Holy Spirit and therefore can't obey God's law from the heart. In examples of how to speak to a child, parents say things like "someday you'll know how wonderful God is and how much he loves you." Worse yet, speaking to an older child, "Because you don’t believe in Jesus’s love for you, your whole life will be spent trying to win and never being satisfied. And then you’ll have to stand before God, and all you’ll have is your record of failure. Striking out isn’t the worst thing that will ever happen to you. Living your life to win something other than Jesus is." In example "scripts" there are different things to say to unbelieving versus believing children.
This is hard for me to read, even though I know that my children might turn away from God and need to be spoken to as an unbeliever, I think that it can be very confusing to children to speak to them as if they do not have faith. Let's not encourage doubt or for them to question whether they "really" believe, let's teach them to rest in God, as he is the author of their faith, anyway.
Though Fitzpatrick explains a fully orbed portrait of discipline that looks like discipleship, she uses the word "discipline" as a synonym for "spanking" which just irks me. Parents say "I must discipline you" which is true generally, but what they mean is "I am choosing to spank you for this infraction." It's a pet peeve. Reading her model for talking to a child who defied his parent by not stopping playing when told it was time for dinner, shocked me. "If you believe that he has loved you and received punishment for you, then this kind of punishment will help remind you to live wisely, and the pain of it will soon be gone. But if you don’t believe in his great goodness, then the punishment you receive today will be just the beginning of a lifetime of pain. Today, you can ask for forgiveness, and I will forgive you, and if you ask him, so will the Lord. But if you wait, if you harden your heart and refuse to change, then a day will come when it will be too late to ask for forgiveness." This sort of talk feels manipulative to me.
However, I appreciate the stand the authors have taken against forcing children to show repentance after being spanked. Many evangelical authors espouse this idea, and I know many adults who remember faking repentance and lying to avoid further punishment.
Many readers will appreciate the attempt at coupling of theology and a philosophy of parenting with more practical advice. I feel like I talk to my kids fairly theologically but the models were a stretch, and I couldn't imagine talking to my children like that. However, it did incite me to think about how I would phrase a similar discussion, and that sort of premeditation is always helpful in parenting.
This is a good addition to the already crowded Christian Parenting shelves at bookstores, but I am still waiting for a book that I feel more comfortable recommending.
The overall message of the book will be a balm to many readers. Resting in grace, parenting with humility, dependence on God, these are all messages that parents need to be reminded of. There are no guarantees and no quick fixes. Parenting is hard. I think many parents will find this an encouragement on many levels.
Because I have seen her books recommended in presbyterian circles so often, I was genuinely surprised by how un-covenantal this book was. (Fitzpatrick has a Sovereign Grace / Reformed Baptist background.) In the first several chapters alone, it talks many times about not presuming your children are regenerate, that they might pray a prayer just to please you and if they aren't saved, they don't have the Holy Spirit and therefore can't obey God's law from the heart. In examples of how to speak to a child, parents say things like "someday you'll know how wonderful God is and how much he loves you." Worse yet, speaking to an older child, "Because you don’t believe in Jesus’s love for you, your whole life will be spent trying to win and never being satisfied. And then you’ll have to stand before God, and all you’ll have is your record of failure. Striking out isn’t the worst thing that will ever happen to you. Living your life to win something other than Jesus is." In example "scripts" there are different things to say to unbelieving versus believing children.
This is hard for me to read, even though I know that my children might turn away from God and need to be spoken to as an unbeliever, I think that it can be very confusing to children to speak to them as if they do not have faith. Let's not encourage doubt or for them to question whether they "really" believe, let's teach them to rest in God, as he is the author of their faith, anyway.
Though Fitzpatrick explains a fully orbed portrait of discipline that looks like discipleship, she uses the word "discipline" as a synonym for "spanking" which just irks me. Parents say "I must discipline you" which is true generally, but what they mean is "I am choosing to spank you for this infraction." It's a pet peeve. Reading her model for talking to a child who defied his parent by not stopping playing when told it was time for dinner, shocked me. "If you believe that he has loved you and received punishment for you, then this kind of punishment will help remind you to live wisely, and the pain of it will soon be gone. But if you don’t believe in his great goodness, then the punishment you receive today will be just the beginning of a lifetime of pain. Today, you can ask for forgiveness, and I will forgive you, and if you ask him, so will the Lord. But if you wait, if you harden your heart and refuse to change, then a day will come when it will be too late to ask for forgiveness." This sort of talk feels manipulative to me.
However, I appreciate the stand the authors have taken against forcing children to show repentance after being spanked. Many evangelical authors espouse this idea, and I know many adults who remember faking repentance and lying to avoid further punishment.
Many readers will appreciate the attempt at coupling of theology and a philosophy of parenting with more practical advice. I feel like I talk to my kids fairly theologically but the models were a stretch, and I couldn't imagine talking to my children like that. However, it did incite me to think about how I would phrase a similar discussion, and that sort of premeditation is always helpful in parenting.
This is a good addition to the already crowded Christian Parenting shelves at bookstores, but I am still waiting for a book that I feel more comfortable recommending.
December 6, 2021
This book was ok. I appreciate the heart of the gospel behind it, but there were a few reasons this won’t be a parenting book I recommend (*just updated with one more — #4):
1. Expecting people to have these crazy long, scripted conversations with their children each time they sin isn’t only impractical, it’s almost just as legalistic as you’re attempting not to be.
2. It could have been written as an article. I didn’t find the excessive amount of examples helpful, because I won’t remember any of them. It was repetitive and wordy.
3. This book often confuses basic parenting and teaching for legalism. Just because you have rules for your children doesn’t mean you’re legalistic — it means you’re a parent. Legalism is placing rules and practices at the level of gospel. Teaching certain behaviors doesn’t save the soul, but it IS necessary to raise humans who aren’t spoiled brats and at least attempt to be considerate of others. Does it mean they have a relationship with God just because they learn to listen well and be kind? No, but it does teach them at least to be functioning humans in society.
4. The gospel is powerful and beautiful and wonderful, and we must be careful not to make it into white noise. It should be spoken often but in the correct moments and with reverence. I’m worried that using it as a lecturing tool in every situation will cheapen its meaning. I know this book doesn’t mean to do that, but I fear that throwing the gospel around in certain contexts simply to feel like we’re showing grace can ring hollow.
1. Expecting people to have these crazy long, scripted conversations with their children each time they sin isn’t only impractical, it’s almost just as legalistic as you’re attempting not to be.
2. It could have been written as an article. I didn’t find the excessive amount of examples helpful, because I won’t remember any of them. It was repetitive and wordy.
3. This book often confuses basic parenting and teaching for legalism. Just because you have rules for your children doesn’t mean you’re legalistic — it means you’re a parent. Legalism is placing rules and practices at the level of gospel. Teaching certain behaviors doesn’t save the soul, but it IS necessary to raise humans who aren’t spoiled brats and at least attempt to be considerate of others. Does it mean they have a relationship with God just because they learn to listen well and be kind? No, but it does teach them at least to be functioning humans in society.
4. The gospel is powerful and beautiful and wonderful, and we must be careful not to make it into white noise. It should be spoken often but in the correct moments and with reverence. I’m worried that using it as a lecturing tool in every situation will cheapen its meaning. I know this book doesn’t mean to do that, but I fear that throwing the gospel around in certain contexts simply to feel like we’re showing grace can ring hollow.
December 4, 2013
Paradigm changer: stop trying to be the perfect parent in order to raise the perfect child (or children). Instead, grow deeper in your knowledge and confidence in God's grace to us through His son Jesus. Share that grace with your children. Rest.
This book made me think, challenged me, and also helped me to identify how much of an idol my parenting has become to me.
The downside: practical examples are just not present in this book. And the sample dialog is far too wordy. Surely no child would allow their parent(s) to stand in front of them pontificating about grace for an indeterminate period of time.
This book made me think, challenged me, and also helped me to identify how much of an idol my parenting has become to me.
The downside: practical examples are just not present in this book. And the sample dialog is far too wordy. Surely no child would allow their parent(s) to stand in front of them pontificating about grace for an indeterminate period of time.
January 17, 2019
I got about 70% or more done with this book and I had to quit. I didn’t enjoy it. It seemed very drawn out and repetitive. I feel like much of it was impractical. It wasn’t a terrible book, but not one of my favorites, either
July 6, 2013
The Overview
The Mother/Daughter team of Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson team up in this book to give us a comprehensive handbook on giving grace to our children. They lay the foundation for what the means, give many examples of what it looks like, explain the theology that drives it, and share wisdom that will equip you. While it is mostly about understanding the concept of grace in light of the gospel, it does contain practical how-to tips that will help you apply it to your own life.
The Readability
If you have read any books by Elyse then you will already know what it's like. There is a little more humor and lightheartedness in this book, but it's still deep reading. I love this book, but it's not one to read when you're easily distracted or to read a few minutes before bed. This is definitely more of a "sit down and study" kind of book. But don't let that stop you from getting it and diving in...I know many ladies who have really enjoyed the read despite the challenge of it.
The Highlights
The entire book! Seriously!
The Downside
Nothing.
The Recommendation
If you are a parent, desire to be a parent, or work with children on a regular basis this is a book you really should read.
The Mother/Daughter team of Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson team up in this book to give us a comprehensive handbook on giving grace to our children. They lay the foundation for what the means, give many examples of what it looks like, explain the theology that drives it, and share wisdom that will equip you. While it is mostly about understanding the concept of grace in light of the gospel, it does contain practical how-to tips that will help you apply it to your own life.
The Readability
If you have read any books by Elyse then you will already know what it's like. There is a little more humor and lightheartedness in this book, but it's still deep reading. I love this book, but it's not one to read when you're easily distracted or to read a few minutes before bed. This is definitely more of a "sit down and study" kind of book. But don't let that stop you from getting it and diving in...I know many ladies who have really enjoyed the read despite the challenge of it.
The Highlights
The entire book! Seriously!
The Downside
Nothing.
The Recommendation
If you are a parent, desire to be a parent, or work with children on a regular basis this is a book you really should read.
March 20, 2014
I suspect that a lot of the negative reviews complaining that this book is unrealistic or condescending come from people who didn't read the second half. The first half is mostly theory, the second half is application. I found the appendices at the very end to be especially helpful.
I would have given this book five stars, but it is a tad bit long, and I think it could be better organized--I can see how the first half could be overwhelming/discouraging for a mom who is looking for some quick answers. This is not a book of quick answers. It's more a foundational book. It doesn't tell you what to do as much as it tells you how to think and believe.
I'm glad I'm reading it now, while my children are very young. I actually read it once before I had my daughter, and I'm sure I will read it again. I think I will keep getting new benefits as my children get older.
I would have given this book five stars, but it is a tad bit long, and I think it could be better organized--I can see how the first half could be overwhelming/discouraging for a mom who is looking for some quick answers. This is not a book of quick answers. It's more a foundational book. It doesn't tell you what to do as much as it tells you how to think and believe.
I'm glad I'm reading it now, while my children are very young. I actually read it once before I had my daughter, and I'm sure I will read it again. I think I will keep getting new benefits as my children get older.
April 27, 2012
Gah. As much as I wanted to read this book, once I started, I just couldn't bear to pick it up again. Since it's been 8 months since I picked it up, I think I can safely say I have ZERO desire to finish it. Guess it's going into my DONATE pile.
I just can't imagine saying any of their suggested dialog to my kids. (Granted, my kids are just babies, but still!) Plus, although I found the premise to be good (that we shouldn't be good just to be good), the whole thing seemed squicky and self-righteous and sheesh - I even stopped caring that Jesus died for me, a sinner - because MAN!! Preachy and guilt inducing! I just couldn't stand it.
Plus, what's with the animosity towards Mormons? Practically every page was a diss! Skip!
I just can't imagine saying any of their suggested dialog to my kids. (Granted, my kids are just babies, but still!) Plus, although I found the premise to be good (that we shouldn't be good just to be good), the whole thing seemed squicky and self-righteous and sheesh - I even stopped caring that Jesus died for me, a sinner - because MAN!! Preachy and guilt inducing! I just couldn't stand it.
Plus, what's with the animosity towards Mormons? Practically every page was a diss! Skip!
July 18, 2015
This book was poorly written and by the end it seemed their parenting style is to beat them over the head with Jesus. Several of the examples are just not realistic, if my child is hurting due to losing a sports game, I'm not going to say, "You didn't play enough like Jesus." The advice is completely absurd and over the top.
I believe there are clear disobedience issues I my children, times when they are choosing to disobey. The author glosses over those and always says give them grace, almost never discipline them. The pendulum swung too far back in the wrong direction.
I believe there are clear disobedience issues I my children, times when they are choosing to disobey. The author glosses over those and always says give them grace, almost never discipline them. The pendulum swung too far back in the wrong direction.
March 6, 2012
As far as teaching your kids the glory of Grace and to not rely on self-reliance, I'd give it 3 stars.
They made all the mistakes you expect Baptists to make in not understanding Covenant succession. So I won't score them on that, it wouldn't be fair.
As far as lay out and quality of writing, I'd give them 1 star.
They made all the mistakes you expect Baptists to make in not understanding Covenant succession. So I won't score them on that, it wouldn't be fair.
As far as lay out and quality of writing, I'd give them 1 star.
Shelved as 'unfinished'
February 21, 2012I'm giving up on this one. The author makes some great points, but some things just drive me nuts.
July 19, 2011
Are you a parent who wants perfect kids? Adjust your parenting style to any number of the hundreds of books on parenting currently in print and you’ll be the successful parent you’ve always wanted to be with the successful children you’ve always wanted!
Sadly, this is the message of many parenting books that draw the hopeful and discouraged to their pages with each new publication. In Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, mother and daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson want parents to be the best Christian parents they can be, raising Godly children. So what makes this book any different? The answer is found in the gospel and grace of Jesus Christ. The path to successful parenting isn’t found in what parents do or even how children react to what parents do. Such a method leads only to law and, as the book cover says, the law is “a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also powerless to change them.” Not only do they take aim at the path to successful parenting, but they offer a rethinking of what it means to be a successful parent.
Much of the book is focused, not on the behavior of the child, but rather the belief system of the parent. You won’t find very much in the way of the “how-to’s” of child discipline, but rather solid principles intended to have parents examine their own attitudes and understanding of the concept of grace. Further, this idea of grace is firmly grounded in what believers have been given through Christ’s finished work on the cross in paying God’s penalty for sin and obtaining our right standing before God. Based on the parents’ understanding of gospel work in their own hearts, the authors then answer the question of successful parenting – that is pointing our children to God by modeling the grace of God in our lives.
There were two chapters that I appreciated the most: one (“The One Good Story) offers wise principles for pointing our children to the grace and love of God in various situations. For example, the question often comes up (at least it does in my family) of which movies to allow children to watch. Instead of giving a bulleted list of do’s and don’ts, the authors offer several questions to ask about how that movie (or other entertainment medium) will either point to or prevent them from seeing gospel truths. In their own words, “Our hope is that if we have taught them how to discern the one good story and judge every other story by it, they’ll be better equipped to answer the wicked Imposter’s lies when they hear them.” (p.120) They also touch on the subject of modesty and, instead of going straight to the obvious question of “is it revealing?” they suggest principles that will get to the heart of the child and not simply outward appearances.
The second chapter I appreciated the most was Chapter 9 (“Weak Parents and Their Strong Savior”) in which the authors gently point out that sometimes, even after all our best efforts and trusting in God, our children may not live as believers. This chapter dealt with seeming failure as parents. But even here, the authors point us to the fact that God is honored and glorified in everything. In what was perhaps the most poignant statement of the chapter, they write “What if he has called us to Jeremiah’s ministry rather than to Daniel’s? Is there room in your parenting paradigm for weakness and failure if weakness and failure glorify God?” (p.149)
Perhaps the one negative aspect of the book is the examples of conversations between parent and child. The table in Appendix 2 (“Common Problems and the Gospel”) is helpful in keeping our focus on Christ and the gospel in various situations, but the examples of conversations given seem too overblown and forced. While I certainly want to teach my children the beauty of the gospel and of Christ, it seems more than a little forced to relate losing a baseball game to the suffering of Christ. There are times when we as parents simply need to be there for our children, encouraging them when they fail/lose and helping them to do better next time. Does this mean that we are ignoring the gospel and only promoting selfish little bootstrap hoisters? Absolutely not! However, the adage “too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good” seems to apply here.
Give Them Grace gives us a much needed reminder as parents that changing our children’s hearts and the outcome of our parenting is not dependent on us. Oh yes, God uses this tool for this change but ultimately it is God who does the changing. I was encouraged to continually point my children to the love, beauty and grace of God that is ours because of Jesus. (4/5 stars)
(Thanks to Crossway’s Homeschool Book Review program for providing a review of this book.)
Sadly, this is the message of many parenting books that draw the hopeful and discouraged to their pages with each new publication. In Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, mother and daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson want parents to be the best Christian parents they can be, raising Godly children. So what makes this book any different? The answer is found in the gospel and grace of Jesus Christ. The path to successful parenting isn’t found in what parents do or even how children react to what parents do. Such a method leads only to law and, as the book cover says, the law is “a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also powerless to change them.” Not only do they take aim at the path to successful parenting, but they offer a rethinking of what it means to be a successful parent.
Much of the book is focused, not on the behavior of the child, but rather the belief system of the parent. You won’t find very much in the way of the “how-to’s” of child discipline, but rather solid principles intended to have parents examine their own attitudes and understanding of the concept of grace. Further, this idea of grace is firmly grounded in what believers have been given through Christ’s finished work on the cross in paying God’s penalty for sin and obtaining our right standing before God. Based on the parents’ understanding of gospel work in their own hearts, the authors then answer the question of successful parenting – that is pointing our children to God by modeling the grace of God in our lives.
There were two chapters that I appreciated the most: one (“The One Good Story) offers wise principles for pointing our children to the grace and love of God in various situations. For example, the question often comes up (at least it does in my family) of which movies to allow children to watch. Instead of giving a bulleted list of do’s and don’ts, the authors offer several questions to ask about how that movie (or other entertainment medium) will either point to or prevent them from seeing gospel truths. In their own words, “Our hope is that if we have taught them how to discern the one good story and judge every other story by it, they’ll be better equipped to answer the wicked Imposter’s lies when they hear them.” (p.120) They also touch on the subject of modesty and, instead of going straight to the obvious question of “is it revealing?” they suggest principles that will get to the heart of the child and not simply outward appearances.
The second chapter I appreciated the most was Chapter 9 (“Weak Parents and Their Strong Savior”) in which the authors gently point out that sometimes, even after all our best efforts and trusting in God, our children may not live as believers. This chapter dealt with seeming failure as parents. But even here, the authors point us to the fact that God is honored and glorified in everything. In what was perhaps the most poignant statement of the chapter, they write “What if he has called us to Jeremiah’s ministry rather than to Daniel’s? Is there room in your parenting paradigm for weakness and failure if weakness and failure glorify God?” (p.149)
Perhaps the one negative aspect of the book is the examples of conversations between parent and child. The table in Appendix 2 (“Common Problems and the Gospel”) is helpful in keeping our focus on Christ and the gospel in various situations, but the examples of conversations given seem too overblown and forced. While I certainly want to teach my children the beauty of the gospel and of Christ, it seems more than a little forced to relate losing a baseball game to the suffering of Christ. There are times when we as parents simply need to be there for our children, encouraging them when they fail/lose and helping them to do better next time. Does this mean that we are ignoring the gospel and only promoting selfish little bootstrap hoisters? Absolutely not! However, the adage “too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good” seems to apply here.
Give Them Grace gives us a much needed reminder as parents that changing our children’s hearts and the outcome of our parenting is not dependent on us. Oh yes, God uses this tool for this change but ultimately it is God who does the changing. I was encouraged to continually point my children to the love, beauty and grace of God that is ours because of Jesus. (4/5 stars)
(Thanks to Crossway’s Homeschool Book Review program for providing a review of this book.)
July 22, 2023
I wish I understood these principles/practices of gospel parenting several decades ago. But, I still greatly benefit from knowing and practicing the admonitions of this book. Even as a grandparent. God’s grace is so beautiful and I need to allow it to direct my relationships with my adult children and my grandchildren.
July 8, 2012
I generally loved the premise of this book. That is: that how are we as Christians raising our kids different than any other faith that teaches kids about rigid rules of Scripture? Are we really teaching them about God's grace or just to be moral legalists. It was a compelling read and one that I needed. It was a relief to read that we need to raise our kids in the full beauty of the Scripture and that the law is what we do by HIs grace in response to His great love for us and not as a way to "get in good" with God. We can never do that which is why Christ died. Until we realize that we can't do that without Jesus sacrifice our works are futile. A lot about humbling ourselves before God daily and seeking him about each of our kids. There is no one perfect way and there is no perfect outcome. Children will mess up and perhaps God is glorifying himself in that. It is our duty to raise them responsibly and God does the rest.
Now the negatives: I don't think the churches role in helping raise our kids was emphasized enough. Also she said that we should never simply make our kids apologize if they don't feel it because this is like teaching them to lie. I disagree in that we sometimes as Christians need to do what is right as we pray for the feelings to catch up. We should do that in our marriages. Love is an action verb right so we need to treat our spouse kindly even when we don't feel like it and keep praying and the feelings catch up. To me this is simply manners. It would be like me telling a kid to not say thank you if they don't really feel grateful.
Now the negatives: I don't think the churches role in helping raise our kids was emphasized enough. Also she said that we should never simply make our kids apologize if they don't feel it because this is like teaching them to lie. I disagree in that we sometimes as Christians need to do what is right as we pray for the feelings to catch up. We should do that in our marriages. Love is an action verb right so we need to treat our spouse kindly even when we don't feel like it and keep praying and the feelings catch up. To me this is simply manners. It would be like me telling a kid to not say thank you if they don't really feel grateful.
July 17, 2012
The original concept of this book is slap you across the face great. Allowing grace to govern the way you raise your children- and do everything else in life- is exactly the way God intended us to live. Where I struggled with the ideas of the authors was in the constant negative reminders to children of their failures. No, we don't want to raise kids who think they are the be all and end all, but how helpful is it really to tell them how they will never be successful on their own? Learning about the love and support that we need from Jesus is a lifelong process, and for me, it has always been overwhelming to learn just how weak I am. Can I really teach a lesson of weakness to my child?
One passage in particular that bothered me was an example the authors gave of a boy having trouble with loving his brother. The "grace-filled" parent's response is that the child is not capable of loving his brother, but Jesus is. I think there is a disconnect in the language of this lesson. Why not instead tell the child that he IS capable of great love because he has been loved and thus he can learn from example. Overall I suppose it just seems better to me to focus on the beauty of the gospel and allow the "darker" side of the story to unfold to kids as they mature enough to handle it.
One passage in particular that bothered me was an example the authors gave of a boy having trouble with loving his brother. The "grace-filled" parent's response is that the child is not capable of loving his brother, but Jesus is. I think there is a disconnect in the language of this lesson. Why not instead tell the child that he IS capable of great love because he has been loved and thus he can learn from example. Overall I suppose it just seems better to me to focus on the beauty of the gospel and allow the "darker" side of the story to unfold to kids as they mature enough to handle it.
July 25, 2012
I read this a few months ago and I know it is quite popular. Sometimes I felt the examples or suggestions were manipulative on the parent's part. One thing I really liked was this quote, "We were never meant to carry the ultimate responsibility for anyone's soul: neither our own nor our children's. Only the Good Shepherd is strong enough to carry a soul - that's His job, not ours." p.55 What is key from that quote is knowing what our role is as parents. Huge.
For me there were too many ideas I questioned to really say I loved this book. I HIGHLY recommend Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen if anyone is looking for a book full of sound ideas, the grace of Jesus Christ, and excellent parenting tips.
For me there were too many ideas I questioned to really say I loved this book. I HIGHLY recommend Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen if anyone is looking for a book full of sound ideas, the grace of Jesus Christ, and excellent parenting tips.
March 3, 2013
I was a bit thrown by the Calvinist theology, but in the end I was able to whole-heartedly embrace the book's message. It's true that there is nothing I can do to ensure that I am raising "successful" children but to throw them--and myself--on God's mercy. This is no guarantee that they will ultimately follow Christ, but there is no guarantee in any other method anyway. I can release my guilt and anxiety about parenting "right" and trust that God will redeem my failure (as well as honor my obedience). I may build up a cache of helpful parenting tools and tricks, but all that really matters is that my kids are hearing the Gospel and seeing it lived out.
July 19, 2012
Great message, but got bogged down in the long, wordy sentences. I had a hard time following what she was saying at times. And, there's no way any of my children would ever sit through her whole "sample conversations". Surely the message of grace can be boiled down to 2 sentences for little boys :D But, I enjoyed the overall message. Christian parenting should look different from non-Christian parenting. If we raise rule-following children without the message of what Jesus did, we're no better than the Pharisees.
April 22, 2012
This was the best book that i have read on parenting. Many might be thinking, "Why is this dude reading parenting books? He has no kids." This is true, however, Dr. Lambert made read a lot of parenting books for Marriage and Family class last semester. Im not complaining, because it was extremely informative and encouraging. This book, i believed, was the best and i would recommend it to any parent or future parent.
July 29, 2011
I'll be brief. Great philosophy, poorly written book. Just read the introduction and the appendices, skim the rest as quickly as you can, making sure to ignore the first 2-3 pages of each chapter entirely and you should get everything you need.
July 5, 2015
One of the best parenting books I've read, and at the same time one of the best books about the gospel I've read.
August 2, 2022
I liked a lot of this book, and I feel like it gave me a good perspective on parenting (without making me feel way too much pressure about it). In the last chapter, Elyse talks about how reading parenting books is a relatively new thing, and before the rise of parenting literature, many parents only had the Bible (and the wisdom of friends and family) to guide their parenting. She asks a friend, "How would you raise your children if all you had was the Bible?" Her friend answers, "Well, I guess I would love them, discipline them, and tell them about Jesus." (pg. 159) I appreciate this perspective on parenting - it simplifies it. There's a lot of right ways to parent, and some of the key ingredients are loving kids, disciplining kids, and teaching them about Jesus. This book is particularly helping with the last part, teaching them about Jesus. It talks about how to incorporate the gospel in your conversations with your children. Rather than just teaching them to obey rules (which can slide into legalism), it talks about how to show them grace.
Elyse also stresses that at the end of the day, our children are in God's hands. We can be the best parents in the world, but that won't guarantee that our children will lead moral lives or grow to love the Lord. On the flip side, God can redeem all of our parenting mistakes. As parents, we raise our children the best way we can, and trust that the Lord cares about them more than we do.
I asked a friend recently what her best parenting advice would be, and she told me not to neglect my own relationship with God (particularly, daily reading of the Bible and prayer). If a parent has a deep relationship with God, this spills over into their household and onto their children and is more important than any particular parenting technique or strategy. If we are growing in wisdom, then our parenting will grow in wisdom. If we are growing in grace, then we will show more grace to our children and our children will understand grace better. If our relationship with God is only based on legalism and works, then our children will absorb that too and won't see the gospel as clearly.
Elyse also stresses that at the end of the day, our children are in God's hands. We can be the best parents in the world, but that won't guarantee that our children will lead moral lives or grow to love the Lord. On the flip side, God can redeem all of our parenting mistakes. As parents, we raise our children the best way we can, and trust that the Lord cares about them more than we do.
I asked a friend recently what her best parenting advice would be, and she told me not to neglect my own relationship with God (particularly, daily reading of the Bible and prayer). If a parent has a deep relationship with God, this spills over into their household and onto their children and is more important than any particular parenting technique or strategy. If we are growing in wisdom, then our parenting will grow in wisdom. If we are growing in grace, then we will show more grace to our children and our children will understand grace better. If our relationship with God is only based on legalism and works, then our children will absorb that too and won't see the gospel as clearly.
July 7, 2011
Recommended. Adds in book form to the conversation that has been going on among Christians about what grace and the Gospel looks like in our families. Full review coming soon!
___________
This is the book I wish had been published twenty years ago.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a mother, and I know I’ll make plenty more. Yet each year the Lord seems to help me see more clearly my need for the grace of the Gospel in my life and in my parenting. I’ve discussed with friends, with my pastor, at church potlucks, “What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?”
Increasingly these discussions of the Gospel and grace in parenting are taking place among moms in playgroups, in churches, on blogs.
But very few books have been published that really address this question in a fundamental way; very few books to pass along to friends and to say, “Hey, this really encouraged me to look to the grace of the Gospel as a mom.”
Enter Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter Jessica. (What a perk, writing as a team! One with the wisdom of experience, one with the fresh “this is what it feels like in the trenches” perspective.)
Key points that I really like about this book:
* Give them Grace differentiates between moralism and the Gospel: “Mormons, Muslims, and moralistic atheists all share the belief that law can perfect us, but Christians don’t. Christians know that the law can’t save us; what we need is a Savior.”
* It warns against formula parenting: “Giving grace to our children is not another formula that guarantees their salvation or obedience. Grace-parenting is not another law for you to master to perfect your parenting or your children.”
* It encourages going back to the what Christ has done (and often quotes one of my favorite books, The Jesus Storybook Bible), ��please stop for a moment and ask yourself what percentage of your time is spent in declaring the rules and what percentage in reciting the Story.”
* It keeps reaffirming the centrality of the Gospel in all of Scripture, in all of life, “Parenting methods that assume or ignore the gospel are not Christian. The gospel must hold the center in all we think, do, and say with our kids.”
* It reminds us that we, as parents, need the Gospel, too: “In our hearts we know that’s true because the law hasn’t made us good, either, has it?”
* The questions for reflection at the end of each chapter really ARE good for reflection, not just “learn the answer, fill in the blanks”.
* Appendix Two: Common Problems and the Gospel. This is an excellent resource for helping parents re-frame their thinking and answer “What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?” Of course, considering the chart format, parents could slip into formulaic parenting. But it is more valuable as a resource than a harm, in my opinion.
That said, this isn’t quite the book that I hoped it would be. There are two main concerns that I have.
* I really wish this book had addressed children in the Covenant, and the theological implications of that. While I understand that this discussion would change the book and change the target audience, I had hoped this would have been at least discussed in part. Some of the sample conversations in the book between parent and child would have likely been a bit different had aspects of covenant theology been included.
* Give them Grace seems to lose sight of the fullness of what Christ has done when discussing punishment. I am disturbed by this sample conversation, “I am sad that I have to cause you pain. I know that you are sad too. I pray that you will understand that disobedience always causes pain. In fact, our disobedience caused the pain that Jesus felt on the cross, even though he had always perfectly obeyed and didn’t deserve to be punished.”
In effect, this sample conversation nullifies the punishment Christ bore on the cross for our sins and our children’s sins. It is communicating to the child, “even though Jesus paid for your sins, it wasn’t enough and you must be punished as well”. This seems to undermine the overarching theme of the book. “I have to cause you pain. . .” even though Jesus already took the punishment for your sin?
This isn’t a “to spank or not to spank” question, please don’t misunderstand me. Christians of good conscience and careful study of the Bible parent both with spanking and without spanking.
The issue is a theological one of equating the punishment of a child with the punishment of Christ, and communicating to the child that they MUST be punished — undermines how we communicate Christ’s full punishment for us. . . even their sins as little children.
In spite of these two concerns, I do give this book 5-stars and recommend it to Christian parents.
I remember some of the first parenting books I read twenty years ago, pulling them off the shelf when I was babysitting, reading them after the kids were in bed. Sadly, these Christian parenting books were devoid of the Gospel. They framed the parenting relationship for me in a way that led me to lose track of what was really important as a mother.
That has changed. “This is why you need Jesus, this is why Mommy needs Jesus. . .” these are the conversations I’ve been having through the years with my children. . . slowly, growing to this place of giving my children the Gospel of grace. . . imperfectly.
If only this book had been on the shelf 20 years ago. . .
(For this review with links to related parenting ideas, see http://www.tulipgirl.com/index.php/20... )
___________
This is the book I wish had been published twenty years ago.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a mother, and I know I’ll make plenty more. Yet each year the Lord seems to help me see more clearly my need for the grace of the Gospel in my life and in my parenting. I’ve discussed with friends, with my pastor, at church potlucks, “What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?”
Increasingly these discussions of the Gospel and grace in parenting are taking place among moms in playgroups, in churches, on blogs.
But very few books have been published that really address this question in a fundamental way; very few books to pass along to friends and to say, “Hey, this really encouraged me to look to the grace of the Gospel as a mom.”
Enter Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter Jessica. (What a perk, writing as a team! One with the wisdom of experience, one with the fresh “this is what it feels like in the trenches” perspective.)
Key points that I really like about this book:
* Give them Grace differentiates between moralism and the Gospel: “Mormons, Muslims, and moralistic atheists all share the belief that law can perfect us, but Christians don’t. Christians know that the law can’t save us; what we need is a Savior.”
* It warns against formula parenting: “Giving grace to our children is not another formula that guarantees their salvation or obedience. Grace-parenting is not another law for you to master to perfect your parenting or your children.”
* It encourages going back to the what Christ has done (and often quotes one of my favorite books, The Jesus Storybook Bible), ��please stop for a moment and ask yourself what percentage of your time is spent in declaring the rules and what percentage in reciting the Story.”
* It keeps reaffirming the centrality of the Gospel in all of Scripture, in all of life, “Parenting methods that assume or ignore the gospel are not Christian. The gospel must hold the center in all we think, do, and say with our kids.”
* It reminds us that we, as parents, need the Gospel, too: “In our hearts we know that’s true because the law hasn’t made us good, either, has it?”
* The questions for reflection at the end of each chapter really ARE good for reflection, not just “learn the answer, fill in the blanks”.
* Appendix Two: Common Problems and the Gospel. This is an excellent resource for helping parents re-frame their thinking and answer “What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?” Of course, considering the chart format, parents could slip into formulaic parenting. But it is more valuable as a resource than a harm, in my opinion.
That said, this isn’t quite the book that I hoped it would be. There are two main concerns that I have.
* I really wish this book had addressed children in the Covenant, and the theological implications of that. While I understand that this discussion would change the book and change the target audience, I had hoped this would have been at least discussed in part. Some of the sample conversations in the book between parent and child would have likely been a bit different had aspects of covenant theology been included.
* Give them Grace seems to lose sight of the fullness of what Christ has done when discussing punishment. I am disturbed by this sample conversation, “I am sad that I have to cause you pain. I know that you are sad too. I pray that you will understand that disobedience always causes pain. In fact, our disobedience caused the pain that Jesus felt on the cross, even though he had always perfectly obeyed and didn’t deserve to be punished.”
In effect, this sample conversation nullifies the punishment Christ bore on the cross for our sins and our children’s sins. It is communicating to the child, “even though Jesus paid for your sins, it wasn’t enough and you must be punished as well”. This seems to undermine the overarching theme of the book. “I have to cause you pain. . .” even though Jesus already took the punishment for your sin?
This isn’t a “to spank or not to spank” question, please don’t misunderstand me. Christians of good conscience and careful study of the Bible parent both with spanking and without spanking.
The issue is a theological one of equating the punishment of a child with the punishment of Christ, and communicating to the child that they MUST be punished — undermines how we communicate Christ’s full punishment for us. . . even their sins as little children.
In spite of these two concerns, I do give this book 5-stars and recommend it to Christian parents.
I remember some of the first parenting books I read twenty years ago, pulling them off the shelf when I was babysitting, reading them after the kids were in bed. Sadly, these Christian parenting books were devoid of the Gospel. They framed the parenting relationship for me in a way that led me to lose track of what was really important as a mother.
That has changed. “This is why you need Jesus, this is why Mommy needs Jesus. . .” these are the conversations I’ve been having through the years with my children. . . slowly, growing to this place of giving my children the Gospel of grace. . . imperfectly.
If only this book had been on the shelf 20 years ago. . .
(For this review with links to related parenting ideas, see http://www.tulipgirl.com/index.php/20... )
Shelved as 'abandoned'
September 20, 2021I would probably give this 2 stars if I had finished it. I made it about 3/4 through but then had to return it to the library. I won't be requesting it again.
I like that the authors want parents to think about how the Gospel applies to parenting and how we can point our children to the Gospel even in small moments. But, the tone was very condescending, I was annoyed by the author's clear vitriol towards Mormons, and the chapters were repetitive. I picked up some useful nuggets through it, but I would recommend Risen Motherhood or Paul Tripp's Parenting for a more grace-filled, Gospel parenting book.
I like that the authors want parents to think about how the Gospel applies to parenting and how we can point our children to the Gospel even in small moments. But, the tone was very condescending, I was annoyed by the author's clear vitriol towards Mormons, and the chapters were repetitive. I picked up some useful nuggets through it, but I would recommend Risen Motherhood or Paul Tripp's Parenting for a more grace-filled, Gospel parenting book.
January 29, 2013
In her new book , Give them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, acclaimed Christian author Elyse Fitzpatrick does what great Christian writers do: she convicts us deeply of our sin, and then offers us the comfort and hope found in the gospel alone. She asks us the vital question: If you’re a Christian, what makes your parenting distinctly Christian? How does my parenting differ from that of my Muslim or Jewish neighbor’s? If there is no difference, I have a serious problem, and that problem is called moralistic parenting. But what is so bad about teaching our kids to be ‘moral’ by obeying our rules? The big problem is that we are explicitly or implicitly teaching our kids that obeying our rules is what makes them right with us and God, not faith in Jesus. Similarly, we can get fixated on a particular parenting method because we believe the method is the ‘formula’ to produce successful children. Fitzpatrick counteracts the fear, guilt and crushing weight of responsibility that these beliefs produce with the hope of the good news of the gospel. God‘s faithfulness and love, shown in Jesus, saves our children, not our obedience to a method, or their obedience to our rules.
So what is ‘gospel’-centered parenting, in contrast to moralistic parenting? Fitzpatrick divides her book into two sections. In the first part of the book, Fitzpatrick argues from Scripture why moralism or ‘law’ is set against the gospel. (In my view, she should have included a discussion of Calvin’s third use of the law, in which the law teaches believers how to be holy). She also shows us how often our reactions to our children when they obey or disobey tend to be moralistic. For instance, she divides children into two ‘types’—the rule-following, compliant children, and the openly rebellious types. If we are moralistic in our parenting, we will be proud of the first type of child, and despair over the second. Yet Fitzpatrick makes the important point that our ‘people-pleasing,’ rule-following children, who harbor self-righteousness and pride, need the gospel of grace just as much as our openly rebellious children do. If we’re focused simply on producing outwardly obedient kids, we risk producing Pharisaic hypocrites.
In the second part of the book, Fitzpatrick shows how being focused on the gospel does not contradict training our children to be obedient. The gospel provides the motivation for our kids to strive for holiness: rather than trying to be good to be loved by God, they obey because they are loved. She sets forth five categories of parenting: manage, nurture, train, correct and promise (MNTCP). While you could likely find similar paradigms in other Christian parenting books, I found Fitzpatrick unique in the way she showed how Jesus’ work can be applied to daily situations. When our kids are complaining, angry or disobedient, we can point them to how Jesus was never complaining and always compliant to His Father’s will, despite the greatest temptations. Because Jesus perfectly obeyed for them, our children can know that they are already accepted and loved by God, and that Jesus gives us His Spirit to obey as well. I found her ‘scripts’ for how to present the gospel to kids in various situations one of the most helpful parts of the book, affecting my daily interactions with my kids (especially as they get older). At the same time, I thought Fitzpatrick overemphasized the difference in approaches to handling our ‘believing’ versus ‘unbelieving’ children. Since I believe the children of Christian parents are under the promises of God’s covenant of grace, I believe we can trust God’s Spirit to be at work in our kids, helping them to obey and believe, even when they haven’t ‘professed’ the faith explicitly.
As we train our kids for obedience, Fitzpatrick further warns us not to let moralism creep into the kind of rules we make for our kids. For instance, we may be so concerned to keep our kids ‘safe’ from the world, that we neglect Jesus’ emphasis on reaching the ‘unclean’ with the gospel. She provides a helpful set of questions to reveal what principles motivate each of our rules.
In the final chapters, Fitzpatrick boldly addresses our biggest fear--when all of our best-intentioned parenting efforts fail and we end up with consistently rebellious children who hate us. Are we willing to consider that God might be glorified by our weakness and failure as parents, rather than by our success as a model family with obedient kids? She challenges us to make our greatest desire to glorify God in our lives, no matter what He calls us to.
Overall, Fitzpatrick paints a vivid picture of what Christ-centered parenting looks like, both in the big picture and the details. She calls us to show our kids every day why Jesus matters, and challenges us to repent of the idol of having a ‘successful’ family based on principles apart from the gospel. On the other hand, she is constantly offering the hope that is rooted in trusting the only Perfect Parent , who is always faithful and forgiving, even when we fail to parent in a grace-centered way. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to grow as a Christian parent.
So what is ‘gospel’-centered parenting, in contrast to moralistic parenting? Fitzpatrick divides her book into two sections. In the first part of the book, Fitzpatrick argues from Scripture why moralism or ‘law’ is set against the gospel. (In my view, she should have included a discussion of Calvin’s third use of the law, in which the law teaches believers how to be holy). She also shows us how often our reactions to our children when they obey or disobey tend to be moralistic. For instance, she divides children into two ‘types’—the rule-following, compliant children, and the openly rebellious types. If we are moralistic in our parenting, we will be proud of the first type of child, and despair over the second. Yet Fitzpatrick makes the important point that our ‘people-pleasing,’ rule-following children, who harbor self-righteousness and pride, need the gospel of grace just as much as our openly rebellious children do. If we’re focused simply on producing outwardly obedient kids, we risk producing Pharisaic hypocrites.
In the second part of the book, Fitzpatrick shows how being focused on the gospel does not contradict training our children to be obedient. The gospel provides the motivation for our kids to strive for holiness: rather than trying to be good to be loved by God, they obey because they are loved. She sets forth five categories of parenting: manage, nurture, train, correct and promise (MNTCP). While you could likely find similar paradigms in other Christian parenting books, I found Fitzpatrick unique in the way she showed how Jesus’ work can be applied to daily situations. When our kids are complaining, angry or disobedient, we can point them to how Jesus was never complaining and always compliant to His Father’s will, despite the greatest temptations. Because Jesus perfectly obeyed for them, our children can know that they are already accepted and loved by God, and that Jesus gives us His Spirit to obey as well. I found her ‘scripts’ for how to present the gospel to kids in various situations one of the most helpful parts of the book, affecting my daily interactions with my kids (especially as they get older). At the same time, I thought Fitzpatrick overemphasized the difference in approaches to handling our ‘believing’ versus ‘unbelieving’ children. Since I believe the children of Christian parents are under the promises of God’s covenant of grace, I believe we can trust God’s Spirit to be at work in our kids, helping them to obey and believe, even when they haven’t ‘professed’ the faith explicitly.
As we train our kids for obedience, Fitzpatrick further warns us not to let moralism creep into the kind of rules we make for our kids. For instance, we may be so concerned to keep our kids ‘safe’ from the world, that we neglect Jesus’ emphasis on reaching the ‘unclean’ with the gospel. She provides a helpful set of questions to reveal what principles motivate each of our rules.
In the final chapters, Fitzpatrick boldly addresses our biggest fear--when all of our best-intentioned parenting efforts fail and we end up with consistently rebellious children who hate us. Are we willing to consider that God might be glorified by our weakness and failure as parents, rather than by our success as a model family with obedient kids? She challenges us to make our greatest desire to glorify God in our lives, no matter what He calls us to.
Overall, Fitzpatrick paints a vivid picture of what Christ-centered parenting looks like, both in the big picture and the details. She calls us to show our kids every day why Jesus matters, and challenges us to repent of the idol of having a ‘successful’ family based on principles apart from the gospel. On the other hand, she is constantly offering the hope that is rooted in trusting the only Perfect Parent , who is always faithful and forgiving, even when we fail to parent in a grace-centered way. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to grow as a Christian parent.
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