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Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic
“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
784 pages, ebook
Published May 26, 2024
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 365 reviews
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June 10, 2024I am so grateful that I was born so that I could consume Dramione fics like this. Now listen. This is the sluttiest thing I’ve ever read. Hard stop. This also showcases the most ridiculously pathetic Draco I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Ladies you’ve never seen anything like it. NOTHING. Admittedly, this was also pretty bloody. But like, in the fun way? All to say, the title of this fic rly hits upon its main three pillars: Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic.
But also:
- some of the best HP characterization I’ve ever read (bamf plant daddy Neville Longbottom?? incorrigible flirt Theo Nott who is also incredibly unhinged and generally hilarious, Pansy is hot, Draco is miserable, Hermione is smart, Ron is,, there)
- no but really each character’s voice (yes we have fun pov switching) is SO well done. The dialogue and internal monologues had me by the throat !!
- this is slice of life, plot is just watching these characters do their thing, fight each other, blackmail, murder, kiss etc, and yet I was completely addicted?? could not put it down ??
- genuinely just great sense of humor balanced with the dark moments
- and on the dark moments point, this fic, when it wasn’t being chili pepper central, was very wise? so so thoughtful and well written.
- and by that I mean we do not skimp on the classic Dramione themes. everyone is damaged and hurting and learning and you know the drill
- ingenious use of media coverage
- I hate you = I love you trope :3
- crookshanks supremacy
- if you know me ignore this last bullet thank you: this was incrediblyyyy smutty, I thought I was more of a 1-2 tasteful scenes girlie and then let’s wrap things up… and yet?? I was consistently put into cardiac arrest. My jaw kept dropping. I needed sedation. I blame ALL of the characters for being absolute lil sluts
Well. If you want deliciously depraved Dramione give this a go. I warned you tho.
But also:
- some of the best HP characterization I’ve ever read (bamf plant daddy Neville Longbottom?? incorrigible flirt Theo Nott who is also incredibly unhinged and generally hilarious, Pansy is hot, Draco is miserable, Hermione is smart, Ron is,, there)
- no but really each character’s voice (yes we have fun pov switching) is SO well done. The dialogue and internal monologues had me by the throat !!
- this is slice of life, plot is just watching these characters do their thing, fight each other, blackmail, murder, kiss etc, and yet I was completely addicted?? could not put it down ??
- genuinely just great sense of humor balanced with the dark moments
- and on the dark moments point, this fic, when it wasn’t being chili pepper central, was very wise? so so thoughtful and well written.
- and by that I mean we do not skimp on the classic Dramione themes. everyone is damaged and hurting and learning and you know the drill
- ingenious use of media coverage
- I hate you = I love you trope :3
- crookshanks supremacy
- if you know me ignore this last bullet thank you: this was incrediblyyyy smutty, I thought I was more of a 1-2 tasteful scenes girlie and then let’s wrap things up… and yet?? I was consistently put into cardiac arrest. My jaw kept dropping. I needed sedation. I blame ALL of the characters for being absolute lil sluts
Well. If you want deliciously depraved Dramione give this a go. I warned you tho.
July 1, 2024
⊹ ⁺ ₊ ✧
Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic
┊
5 stars
✧ ₊ ⁺ ⊹
☆₊⋆ → thoughts┊One of my new fave dramione fics!!
☆₊⋆ → characters┊The dynamic between the main couples was so fucking good🤭
⋆╰┈✩ Draco was down bad for her, I didn’t know how much I needed submissive Draco until now🧎🏼♀️ I LOVED his nicknames for her, “sweetheart”, “love”, “darling” PLEASE🛐 He was basically on his knees for her 99% of the time.
⋆╰┈✩ Hermione was so strong and confident, I loved her in this fic!!
⋆╰┈✩ Pansy and Neville OMG WHAT A POWER COUPLE. I loved them together.
⋆╰┈✩ Theo and Charlie Holy fuck I need more of these two!! Theo was hilarious in this fic and he was so besotted with Charlie - I’m obsessed.
☆₊⋆ → setting/plot┊Set after the war & the good side won, Hermione and Draco are forced into an arranged marriage as part of a reconciliation act.
☆₊⋆ → writing┊Very well-written, though wordy at times (imo). To sum it up; witty, clever, and sucks you right in.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ 1:35 ─── ⊹ songs I listened to ⊹ ────── 3:47
♪ Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want ─ The Smiths
⤷ "Haven’t had a dream in a long time"
✧⋄⋆ pre-read notes ⋆⋄✧
⤷ 22/06/24 ┊I've heard amazing things abt this fic, super excited to read it!!
౨ৎ happy reading ౨ৎ
∘₊✧ ── "It didn’t look like they were enemies. It looked like it was them against the world." ── ✧₊∘
☆₊⋆ → thoughts┊One of my new fave dramione fics!!
☆₊⋆ → characters┊The dynamic between the main couples was so fucking good🤭
⋆╰┈✩ Draco was down bad for her, I didn’t know how much I needed submissive Draco until now🧎🏼♀️ I LOVED his nicknames for her, “sweetheart”, “love”, “darling” PLEASE🛐 He was basically on his knees for her 99% of the time.
⋆╰┈✩ Hermione was so strong and confident, I loved her in this fic!!
⋆╰┈✩ Pansy and Neville OMG WHAT A POWER COUPLE. I loved them together.
⋆╰┈✩ Theo and Charlie Holy fuck I need more of these two!! Theo was hilarious in this fic and he was so besotted with Charlie - I’m obsessed.
∘₊✧ ── "In black, their chins raised, lips twisted, eyes full of hate. The diamonds on their hands, the sapphires at her throat. They looked rich, disreputable, dangerous. Oh, Godric . . . she looked like a Malfoy." ── ✧₊∘
☆₊⋆ → setting/plot┊Set after the war & the good side won, Hermione and Draco are forced into an arranged marriage as part of a reconciliation act.
∘₊✧ ── "Tell me you love me, he thought stupidly. Tell me I’m worthless. Tell me you want me anyway. Tell me I’m yours." ── ✧₊∘
☆₊⋆ → writing┊Very well-written, though wordy at times (imo). To sum it up; witty, clever, and sucks you right in.
✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄☆⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ 1:35 ─── ⊹ songs I listened to ⊹ ────── 3:47
♪ Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want ─ The Smiths
⤷ "Haven’t had a dream in a long time"
✧⋄⋆ pre-read notes ⋆⋄✧
⤷ 22/06/24 ┊I've heard amazing things abt this fic, super excited to read it!!
౨ৎ happy reading ౨ৎ
June 2, 2024
this fic had me feral. i just love a bloodied man on his knees.
new favorite!
new favorite!
May 27, 2024
What am I supposed to do every Sunday now that this fic is over?? This story really is something else. Forced marriage, enemies to lovers with sarcastic and obsessed Draco? Yes, please.🙌🏻
I loveeeee protective, pathetic and possessive as fuck Draco Malfoy, but it's even better when there's a morally grey Hermione that doesn't take shit from anyone and isn't afraid to let everyone know just how pissed she is.
All other characters are also amazing. I live for funny, very slutty, chaotic, loyal and crazy Theo.
And Neville🥵🥵 Plant daddy in this fic is definitely my favorite Neville ever, and he and Pansy are such a good pairing here.
Now that it's finally complete, I'll be downloading it and rereading it so that I can highlight all my favorite quotes.😈
I loveeeee protective, pathetic and possessive as fuck Draco Malfoy, but it's even better when there's a morally grey Hermione that doesn't take shit from anyone and isn't afraid to let everyone know just how pissed she is.
All other characters are also amazing. I live for funny, very slutty, chaotic, loyal and crazy Theo.
And Neville🥵🥵 Plant daddy in this fic is definitely my favorite Neville ever, and he and Pansy are such a good pairing here.
Now that it's finally complete, I'll be downloading it and rereading it so that I can highlight all my favorite quotes.😈
Want to read
September 3, 2024just saw a scene from this on tiktok and i’m sold
July 2, 2024
I am an absolute whore for Dramione, “my wife”, praise kink…and lots of other good stuff that was packed into this long ass book, so to say that I had a great time reading this is an understatement. Draco Malfoy, everyone’s favorite punching bag, is out of Azkaban and done with his house arrest years after the war has ended. In an effort to pair witches for some reason, which I must have read but then immediately forgot, Hermione Granger finds out that she is to wed Malfoy. And since everything that happened in the original books happened in THIS book during the past, you can imagine how well she received this order. Really. Really. Poorly.
She weds Malfoy, and then the real battle begins. Her life is turned over to him. She lives in the manor. She has her rooms and a brand new wardrobe and shiny, sparkly jewels, and a key to the Malfoy vaults. But Hermione is furious. She wants autonomy. She wants respect. She wants freedom. And she doesn’t want to be married to Draco Fucking Malfoy, the spoiled Slytherin death eater man child. Draco, for his part, deeply wants all the things he tries to get out of Granger. Sex. Love. Respect. Want. Babies. He goes about things in a really horrible way, as is expected of him. But they get there in the end.
Oh, did you expect more of a review? How about this; I loved this book. I loved Theo, I loved Pansy, I would live breathe and fucking die for Neville Longbottom. But if I had to read about Hermione punching Draco one more goddamn time, I would have thrown my $280 kindle at the wall. I will see the words Oranges and Cloves in my sleep because the author felt the need to describe Draco’s scent in every single chapter for unknown reasons. I wanted to knock Ron and Susan’s heads together. I wanted to force Draco and Hermione together like my poor sexed up Barbie dolls from childhood…and I deeply loved the extended and snippet-filled epilogue.
She weds Malfoy, and then the real battle begins. Her life is turned over to him. She lives in the manor. She has her rooms and a brand new wardrobe and shiny, sparkly jewels, and a key to the Malfoy vaults. But Hermione is furious. She wants autonomy. She wants respect. She wants freedom. And she doesn’t want to be married to Draco Fucking Malfoy, the spoiled Slytherin death eater man child. Draco, for his part, deeply wants all the things he tries to get out of Granger. Sex. Love. Respect. Want. Babies. He goes about things in a really horrible way, as is expected of him. But they get there in the end.
Oh, did you expect more of a review? How about this; I loved this book. I loved Theo, I loved Pansy, I would live breathe and fucking die for Neville Longbottom. But if I had to read about Hermione punching Draco one more goddamn time, I would have thrown my $280 kindle at the wall. I will see the words Oranges and Cloves in my sleep because the author felt the need to describe Draco’s scent in every single chapter for unknown reasons. I wanted to knock Ron and Susan’s heads together. I wanted to force Draco and Hermione together like my poor sexed up Barbie dolls from childhood…and I deeply loved the extended and snippet-filled epilogue.
Read
June 3, 2024I wish I could rate this but we don’t rate fanfics in this house because it is HELLA DISRESPECTFUL to these authors that do this for free.
But… read this 👀
But… read this 👀
Read
June 1, 2024Bawiłam się wspaniale,
i love bloody, slutty and pathetic men 😩
i love bloody, slutty and pathetic men 😩
June 14, 2024
The characterization in this fic is top tier! This might favorite Draco Malfoy EVER. Toxic SIMP Draco. I need more fics with this combo please writers 🙏 Theo was hilarious in this. Def a top 3 Theo. And this might be my favorite Neville ever. His scenes with Pansy were such an unexpected delight.
This is the first real Panville side pairing I’ve read and, oh my gosh I love them! Why aren’t they together in every fic? This fic singlehandedly made me a Panville shipper.
This was funny yet remained deep. This fic might be crack. The best banter and verbal sparring I’ve read since DMATMOOBIL.
The only thing I didn’t like was we had to hear about how much Pansy (and other girls) and Draco used to shag 🙄 I hate when authors do this. But at least it served a narrative purpose this time and we also hear about Hermione’s former sex life which Draco gets very jealous about so the power is balanced out fairly quickly. And Pansy is SO into Neville so it doesn’t come up again or bother much after that one chapter
This also had a cinematic feel. It was so immersive and vivid I wish it could be made into a movie. So much fan art potential. Just lovely writing.
This is one of my fav Dramione fics now. Did I mention toxic simp Draco? I need him to be desperate and begging pathetically for her in more fics. Good lord. Ten out of ten.
This is the first real Panville side pairing I’ve read and, oh my gosh I love them! Why aren’t they together in every fic? This fic singlehandedly made me a Panville shipper.
This was funny yet remained deep. This fic might be crack. The best banter and verbal sparring I’ve read since DMATMOOBIL.
The only thing I didn’t like was we had to hear about how much Pansy (and other girls) and Draco used to shag 🙄 I hate when authors do this. But at least it served a narrative purpose this time and we also hear about Hermione’s former sex life which Draco gets very jealous about so the power is balanced out fairly quickly. And Pansy is SO into Neville so it doesn’t come up again or bother much after that one chapter
This also had a cinematic feel. It was so immersive and vivid I wish it could be made into a movie. So much fan art potential. Just lovely writing.
This is one of my fav Dramione fics now. Did I mention toxic simp Draco? I need him to be desperate and begging pathetically for her in more fics. Good lord. Ten out of ten.
May 29, 2024
Tell me I only have 11 hours to live and I will tell you that I will spend every second of that reading this fic again.
He is feral and obscene and I will remember how he used and abused that episkey spell until my final breath. Good boy.
I would now use this space to copy in my favourite quotes, but alas I fear that doing that may get my account removed against my will. ♾️ ⭐️
He is feral and obscene and I will remember how he used and abused that episkey spell until my final breath. Good boy.
I would now use this space to copy in my favourite quotes, but alas I fear that doing that may get my account removed against my will. ♾️ ⭐️
June 25, 2024
I would not have predicted that one of my favorite reads of the year would be a dramione fanfic but here we are
June 25, 2024
This is going on my list of favorite Dramione fan fics of all time. I loved that they included other couples POVs, Parkbottom forever!
June 5, 2024
definitely anything that is overhyped in tiktok doesn't mean it will be good.
the plot is boring, the only thing that is “entertaining” is the smut, and it feels forced and more of the same.
also, draco and hermione are extremely ooc, so much so that it feels more like a universe outside of HP, you can change their names and it's a story that can live outside of the HP world 🤷🏻♀️
the plot is boring, the only thing that is “entertaining” is the smut, and it feels forced and more of the same.
also, draco and hermione are extremely ooc, so much so that it feels more like a universe outside of HP, you can change their names and it's a story that can live outside of the HP world 🤷🏻♀️
June 22, 2024
This stunning, unshakable fic had me missing sleep and thinking about it in my quiet moments.
The best and worst of the Dramione ship can be found here. The power and the fury. The heat and the horror. The end and the beginning.
Loved the characterizations. Especially the men, who were are all particularly endearing: Draco, Neville, Theo.
Thinking about them all trying to make the world safe for their younger selves, too late.
You could kill a dark lord. It was a lot harder to kill an idea. It turned out, even when change was dramatic, it was incremental.
The thing about fanfic is that you already know some of the trauma these characters have endured. And of course, the HP world has been rife. This work explores that masterfully.
Finally, the spice is great:
”Let me have you,” he whispered. “You already have me.”
Cheers to fanfic writers! ❤️
The best and worst of the Dramione ship can be found here. The power and the fury. The heat and the horror. The end and the beginning.
Loved the characterizations. Especially the men, who were are all particularly endearing: Draco, Neville, Theo.
Thinking about them all trying to make the world safe for their younger selves, too late.
You could kill a dark lord. It was a lot harder to kill an idea. It turned out, even when change was dramatic, it was incremental.
The thing about fanfic is that you already know some of the trauma these characters have endured. And of course, the HP world has been rife. This work explores that masterfully.
Finally, the spice is great:
”Let me have you,” he whispered. “You already have me.”
Cheers to fanfic writers! ❤️
June 23, 2024
4 🌟
Perfect ending to one of the most uniquely characterised dramione's I've read but the author made it work 🤌🤌
Recommend for anyone wanting a relaxing yet spicy, lighthearted, marriage-law fic with a side of slytherin gang found family
Perfect ending to one of the most uniquely characterised dramione's I've read but the author made it work 🤌🤌
Recommend for anyone wanting a relaxing yet spicy, lighthearted, marriage-law fic with a side of slytherin gang found family
June 1, 2024
ok this was excellent
July 30, 2024
“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
Came for the title, stayed for simp Malfoy
And also Neville’s BDE.
Came for the title, stayed for simp Malfoy
And also Neville’s BDE.
June 1, 2024
Chef's kiss.
I loved this version of Draco that is touch starved, a bit of a coward still, and very much a posh prat. He rings true to canon Draco.
Hermione also was very true to canon in that she was fiery, determined, not afraid to break the rules or speak her mind, and very much an outcast from her "normal" friends.
The forced marriage premise made for a delicious enemies to lovers, and the added depth with the side characters Pansy, Theo, Neville, & Charlie made it so much more fun.
The whole thing was a treat, and I loved it.
Check the triggers before you dive in.
I loved this version of Draco that is touch starved, a bit of a coward still, and very much a posh prat. He rings true to canon Draco.
Hermione also was very true to canon in that she was fiery, determined, not afraid to break the rules or speak her mind, and very much an outcast from her "normal" friends.
The forced marriage premise made for a delicious enemies to lovers, and the added depth with the side characters Pansy, Theo, Neville, & Charlie made it so much more fun.
The whole thing was a treat, and I loved it.
Check the triggers before you dive in.
July 8, 2024
did not like this characterization of Draco and Hermione:/
May 29, 2024
DNF at 68%. I know it’s got pathetic in the title but Hermione and Draco really were pathetic in it and it was just getting worse.
June 21, 2024
This marriage law fic wasn’t my favorite Dramione by far but had some strong points. I loved how it gave us the relationship perspective of all of the favs: Draco, Theo, and Pansy. If I had to choose which storyline I liked most, while it was not the main focus, Pansy and Neville’s was my favorite! Honestly, Neville as a whole was just…it for me and I’m a Daddy Draco fan to my core. Their dynamic and relationship was everything I wanted.
This fic was LONG and I don’t feel it had to be. There were times when it skipped around everywhere. I also wasn’t a fan of Draco’s “see me, hurt me, punish me” vibe. I also didn’t like Hermiones constant physical abuse of him, even though that’s what he felt he deserved. There’s obviously a lot of layers to this plot and Hermione and Draco as characters, but it wasn’t something I was into for this one. The spice was good but again the dynamic between Dramione wasn’t my fav and that made its way into the spice. Again, Nev and Pans were the best and their spice was great!
Overall, not a bad fic just not my favorite. Probably wouldn’t recommend due to length. 🤷🏽♀️
This fic was LONG and I don’t feel it had to be. There were times when it skipped around everywhere. I also wasn’t a fan of Draco’s “see me, hurt me, punish me” vibe. I also didn’t like Hermiones constant physical abuse of him, even though that’s what he felt he deserved. There’s obviously a lot of layers to this plot and Hermione and Draco as characters, but it wasn’t something I was into for this one. The spice was good but again the dynamic between Dramione wasn’t my fav and that made its way into the spice. Again, Nev and Pans were the best and their spice was great!
Overall, not a bad fic just not my favorite. Probably wouldn’t recommend due to length. 🤷🏽♀️
July 1, 2024
I guess I’m in the minority, but after five chapters, this book was super boring. I pushed through to give it a fair chance, but the entire thing was very predictable. It felt like the author was trying to follow a checklist, which was really annoying.
Hermione and Draco felt very OOC for me. I swear, in every chapter she was slapping him across the face because of a comment or something stupid, and that got very tiresome.
I don’t understand the hype. It was very meh.
Hermione and Draco felt very OOC for me. I swear, in every chapter she was slapping him across the face because of a comment or something stupid, and that got very tiresome.
I don’t understand the hype. It was very meh.
June 28, 2024
everyone in this is SO ooc that makes me wanna cry
Read
July 10, 2024this DEFINITELY lived up to the title. had sm fun reading this
September 18, 2024
my heart is so full
August 23, 2024
Ez volt az első alkalom mikor fanfiction-t olvastam, de mivel több helyen is szembe jött velem és gyerekként én is mint a legtöbben Harry Potter rajongó voltam arra jutottam muszáj belevessem magam. Igazából sokkal jobban élveztem mint gondoltam volna. Érdekes volt, a karakterek hűek önmagukhoz és habár számomra túl sok volt az erotika benne, mosollyal az arcomon fejeztem be ezt a művet. 4/5⭐️
This was the first time I read fanfiction, but since it came across to me in several places and as a child I was a Harry Potter fan, like most people, I decided I had to dive into it. I actually enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. It was interesting, the characters are true to themselves and although there was too much smutt for me, I finished this work with a smile on my face. 4/5⭐️
This was the first time I read fanfiction, but since it came across to me in several places and as a child I was a Harry Potter fan, like most people, I decided I had to dive into it. I actually enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. It was interesting, the characters are true to themselves and although there was too much smutt for me, I finished this work with a smile on my face. 4/5⭐️
August 1, 2024
Sexy so i love it
Want to read
June 7, 2024I need help fr someone needs to get me out of this dramione pothole
June 9, 2024
Absolutely brilliant.
June 11, 2024
I am absolutely feral for this!!!! OMG the top tier smut, the angstiest Draco, Hermione being her best bitch self, and omg Pansy and Neville? I fucking died. Plant daddy is daddying at its finest.
I don't know what to do with myself right now... pls someone recommend me another one of these top tier Dramione fanfics please.
I don't know what to do with myself right now... pls someone recommend me another one of these top tier Dramione fanfics please.
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