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Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers
What makes sex magnificent? What are the qualities of extraordinary erotic intimacy and what are the elements that help to bring it about? Is great sex the stuff that people remember nostalgically from the honeymoon phase of their relationships, or can sex improve over time?
Magnificent Sex is based on the largest, in-depth interview study ever conducted with people who are having extraordinary sex. It gathers the nuggets for remarkable sex from the experts, distilling them into an attainable blueprint for ordinary lovers who want to make erotic intimacy grow over the course of a lifetime. Looking at factors including individual and relational qualities, empathic communication and the myths and realities of magnificent sex, this book offers accessible and evidence-based guidance for lovers and therapists alike.
It is replete with frank and often humorous interviews with straight and LGBTQ individuals and couples, those who are vanilla and kinky, monogamous and consensually non-monogamous and healthy and chronically ill. This illuminating book explores the implications of the findings to develop a model that effectively tackles the common problems of low desire and frequency. The cure for low desire is to create desirable sex!
Magnificent Sex is based on the largest, in-depth interview study ever conducted with people who are having extraordinary sex. It gathers the nuggets for remarkable sex from the experts, distilling them into an attainable blueprint for ordinary lovers who want to make erotic intimacy grow over the course of a lifetime. Looking at factors including individual and relational qualities, empathic communication and the myths and realities of magnificent sex, this book offers accessible and evidence-based guidance for lovers and therapists alike.
It is replete with frank and often humorous interviews with straight and LGBTQ individuals and couples, those who are vanilla and kinky, monogamous and consensually non-monogamous and healthy and chronically ill. This illuminating book explores the implications of the findings to develop a model that effectively tackles the common problems of low desire and frequency. The cure for low desire is to create desirable sex!
204 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 10, 2020
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April 23, 2020
The hottest new findings in the field of sexology! A solid, research based book for anyone interested in developing the kind of sex worth having in their lives. An invaluable tool for individuals or couples of any configuration or persuasion, Sex Educators and/or SexTherapists alike. Eight major components and seven contributing factors are identified that help create magnificent (not just great) sex. Lessons from extraordinary lovers is an in-depth interview study with a large participant base (including 20 sex therapists). Surprising patterns emerged through meticulous data processing and Kleinplatz does a great job of presenting the results in understandable language and format.
The book also tackles some common myths surrounding sexuality, especially in western culture:
“Most of the time, media definitions of sexuality tend to be riddled with gender stereotypes and sexual myths. The belief in these myths may actually engender sexual problems rather than fixing them.”
Humor and an abundance of candid quotes from participants in the study are interspersed throughout the chapters, keeping the flow of information to a manageable level. I liked this comment:
“I have no idea how people got, had great sex before there was indoor plumbing. You know, ‘cause all this, you figure all this joyous sexual stuff that, you know, this all, both people just bathed, and you know they’re clean and they don’t have fleas all over them and they’re not cold or hot ...so many amenities we take for granted.”
Turning the focus from low desire as a “problem” to fix to “how can we make sex more fun and satisfying so it’s worth having?” is a revolutionary idea in sex education and therapy.
The study also concludes that magnificent sex can continue into our 60’s, 70’s, 80’s+:
“It gets better as you get older if you’re smart enough to grow into your capacity for being human.”
Why settle for anything less?!
The book also tackles some common myths surrounding sexuality, especially in western culture:
“Most of the time, media definitions of sexuality tend to be riddled with gender stereotypes and sexual myths. The belief in these myths may actually engender sexual problems rather than fixing them.”
Humor and an abundance of candid quotes from participants in the study are interspersed throughout the chapters, keeping the flow of information to a manageable level. I liked this comment:
“I have no idea how people got, had great sex before there was indoor plumbing. You know, ‘cause all this, you figure all this joyous sexual stuff that, you know, this all, both people just bathed, and you know they’re clean and they don’t have fleas all over them and they’re not cold or hot ...so many amenities we take for granted.”
Turning the focus from low desire as a “problem” to fix to “how can we make sex more fun and satisfying so it’s worth having?” is a revolutionary idea in sex education and therapy.
The study also concludes that magnificent sex can continue into our 60’s, 70’s, 80’s+:
“It gets better as you get older if you’re smart enough to grow into your capacity for being human.”
Why settle for anything less?!
November 25, 2020
Written more for clinicians so it took a bit of time to get into, but not inaccessible.
Gets to the very foundations of our conceptions & beliefs & unfortunate habits, very very interesting & worthwhile read in my opinion.
Gets to the very foundations of our conceptions & beliefs & unfortunate habits, very very interesting & worthwhile read in my opinion.
November 19, 2022
A brilliant book that I fear most people will never find nor read. Given the endless studies on sexual pathologies, the authors set out to study the opposite end of the spectrum - optimal sexual experiences. They used an open-ended methodology where they would ask study participants to describe their optimal experiences in their own words, then coded the answers and extracted the most common patterns.
I was introduced to the book by the "Better Sex" podcast (episode 135, Optimal Sexual Experiences, an interview with the author, which I'd recommend as a great preamble to the book), which covered the principal conclusions of the work. I wanted to dig further into these results, and found the numerous examples and quotes from the book illustrative and compelling. In brief, the authors find that the keys to optimal sexual experiences have far more to do with being present, feeling safe, good communication, and creativity, rather than specific physical capabilities. I found this both heartwarming and reassuring.
It's not a surprise that most of the participants who were having optimal sex consistently were at midlife or older; these are the sorts of lessons that are hard to even understand in our early years. I feel like if I had read this book in my 20s, I might have thought I understood, but only now, after many relationships and years of experiences (and mistakes), can I really relate to the conclusions.
I'd recommend this book for everyone, but I suspect most people won't take the time to read it. As the book says, anything we wish to be really great at takes dedication, study, and practice, but unfortunately many folks are still stuck in thinking sex should just be "automatic" or "natural" and won't take the time to develop their abilities to better connect with their partners. C'est la vie.
I was introduced to the book by the "Better Sex" podcast (episode 135, Optimal Sexual Experiences, an interview with the author, which I'd recommend as a great preamble to the book), which covered the principal conclusions of the work. I wanted to dig further into these results, and found the numerous examples and quotes from the book illustrative and compelling. In brief, the authors find that the keys to optimal sexual experiences have far more to do with being present, feeling safe, good communication, and creativity, rather than specific physical capabilities. I found this both heartwarming and reassuring.
It's not a surprise that most of the participants who were having optimal sex consistently were at midlife or older; these are the sorts of lessons that are hard to even understand in our early years. I feel like if I had read this book in my 20s, I might have thought I understood, but only now, after many relationships and years of experiences (and mistakes), can I really relate to the conclusions.
I'd recommend this book for everyone, but I suspect most people won't take the time to read it. As the book says, anything we wish to be really great at takes dedication, study, and practice, but unfortunately many folks are still stuck in thinking sex should just be "automatic" or "natural" and won't take the time to develop their abilities to better connect with their partners. C'est la vie.
December 1, 2020
Absolutely incredible. One of the best books I’ve read in 2020, perhaps even in years (after Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are). Game-changing, life-changing, and affirming of what I understood intuitively to be true. #RequiredReading
Read
January 8, 2023I beg of you to not try the audio version of this book. They use a lot of quotes from interviews and the quotes are read with every ah, um and pause verbatim. So distracting. While there might be some good info in this book, don’t use the audio version to get it.
January 2, 2024
Sourced in Conversations on Love, this is really such an interestinggggg book though, I think everyone should have a look at this book. Sexology and neuroscience are the two fields I'm most excited to see progress in the future as they're relatively new but really neglected. In any case this book presents sex through a very different optic. I'd never thought about it before but I guess it is true that we generally have a very odd conditioned perspective on sex and an extremely lacking sex education. As an example, how do we percieve good sex? I'd say that we see it as a sort of technical skill, do X technique, try X new thing with your partner, are you doing X motion properly? If your partner is having trouble reaching climax, try this and this. I think this is especially apparent when you look more closely at the sex market as everything will revolve around technique : advertisements will sell viagra pills to allow for penetration, toys are being sold to allow for more physical prowesses, buy BDSM equipment to introduce new play during sex etc. Good sex is measured by how skilled you are at giving head and most importantly, whether you can reach orgasm or not.
Sex can come off robotic, because it is when ur focusing exclusively on these things. Sex becomes all about pleasure and is divorced from it's deeply intimate origins. The studies that this book retells point out, also to note that this is the largest to date study on good sex at the time of publication, what magnificent sex is like! I would agree that we know a whole lot about what bad sex is like : I feel like this is almost a natural postive consequence to sex talk being less taboo, but more discussion doesn't always lead to great sex. This book highlights the characteristics of what magnificent sex is like, a highly distinctive experience that I won't bother trying to describe here cuz idt i'd be able to do the message justice.
Here are some interesting points I remembered though :
- sex therapy isn't too effective in bringing about magnificent sex as it's focus is on sexual dysfunction. Their belief is that "optimal sexual experiences are by default equated with the absence of sexual dysfunctions"
- this study is based on people of all age ranges and has a huge diversity. People into BDSM, younger adults, elderly (70+!), vanilla sex people, handicapped people (which really surprised me). What's incredible is that they all end up describing sex a similar experience
- "sexuality of older people has often been marginalized in mainstream media representations". I remember hearing from a uni friend that "[they're] in their sexual peaks rn" which has never sat well with me. Media lovessssssssssss to oversexualize young adults and older people as like "sex is no longer their thing". Even though older people still continue to have great sex and even better as they strengthen their bond with their partners!
- this study was conducted via phone interviews. WHen recieveing transcripts of the interviews, the researchers were unable to distinguish male from female and old fro young, and kinky from vanilla, disable from able-bodied, more proof of them describing similar experiences.
- magnificent sex is very closelt tied to FLOW which i freaking CALLED IT from the onset. A characteristic of it is to be completely present and not be thinking of anything else, in a sense being entwined with the partner and to only think of the act.
- "A male sex therapist believed that it was absolutely crucial for women to feel desired but that it was not as important for men. 'I think women are much more turned on and satisfied by their partner's volacno-;like desire than the man is. The man is more likely to be turned off by that'" WHO LET HIM COOK. Sex therapy only seems to perpetuate guru stereotype bro science type shit. Like they just observe what's happening and is like, since it's that way not, that's how it should be.
- "Sex with great technique without an emotional connection might be good but idt its going to be great" I connect it with piano playing cuz im a nerd but it's like playing with perfect technique and being on rhythm but having 0 emotion while playing. Like at that point just get a robot, BOOOO.
- "The overwhelming majority of extraordinary lovers told us that intercourse was irrelevant, inconsequential and/or unnecessary for optimal sexual experience." So interesting in a very intercourse sex based culture. "It's just one way of being sexual, Idt in order to have great sex you have to be having intercourse and idt that having intercourse means you're oging to have great sex"
- "Does the public openness (on sex) reflect sexual comfort or reinforce private sexual discomfort and feelings of being defective?"
- Magnificent sex is an intentional and prepared process. It can only happen when both people have already little worries, their kids have been put to bed, they don't hold grudges with each other etc., to have magnificent sex requires an extremely healthy relationship, it's spoken like a precursor.
- idt porn is inherently harmful. It'd be like saying video games are inherently harmful as they show violence and therefore make peopel violent. Similarly they both sell fantasies so you'd expect their impact to be the same. It's a cause to consequence argument, video games = violent -> violence therefore bad. But that's not reality, there's shooter games everywhere but not everywhere is being shot up (except the US). That's because this fantasy is offset by the real world. What about in porn? This fantasy sex isn't offset by a proper sex education and so people always have no idea what good sex is like!
- good sex is rarely talked about. Studies (not including this one) on the subject are almost non-existent
- "too much of what passes for sex education is really reproductive biology, too much sex therapy is oriented towards helping clients eliminate sexual dysfunctions so that "normal" sexual function can be attained"
- sex ed really is complete ass the more I think about it. Ik it's relatively new so it's expected but I wonder what it'll look for my future kids
- these researchers are so cute and dedicated to their research
- why did they include the stuttering of the interviewees T-T, did them dirty for real and lowkey makes the book seem less credible
- "intercourse itself is really important for me to feel bonded with my partner and to really feel like we are one wonderful sexy body" so cute, so in love
- an important factor is an individual's willingness to take risks and to question conventional thinking. In that sense sexual minority groups might in a way be used to this as "they have been forced to reevaluate the relevance of normative sexual scripts". Sexual scripts is such an accurate expression
- orgasms shouldn't be a finality as they are often not sufficient on its own. If we could achieve orgasm easily thanks to some sort of future device, would that be the pinnacle of sex? Idt so, orgasm centric sex is at best reductive.
- "[orgasms] hardly calms your soul or makes you feel automatically closer to somebody else", i think the importance of it is that your partner made you feel that way, the pleasure is almost secondary. But "orgasm needs to be communicated about or at least attended to". Based nuancing the argument.
- magnificent sex isn't sex without hitches, it's having sex and knowing that even if you don't do perfectly, both people are compassionate with each other and keep it pushing.
- "learning how to become centred and focused in non-sexual areas may be good practice for developing the capacity to do so during sex". I wonder if things like tiktok that reduce attention span have a negative impact consequently
- "" knowing some basic sexual techniques could be compared to learning a few social dance moves, from there it becomes possible to explore and improvise"
- "i could explain to ten other men what my husband does that turns me on and if they did it, idk idt i'd be turned on." I wonder also if this technique centric sex is part of why partners are often scared of this "someone's gonna show up and have better sex with them and take them away from me", liek this cuck fear. That anyone can have sex with anyone mechanically and it'll work when in reality sex with your partner or anyone is good because of this atmosphere of trust, being paid attention to, being present etc.
- "When you think that good sex has to do with paying attention to your own movie and making reality agree with a movie, that's a big obstacle to having it work", literally why pornography being essentially most people's main sex ed is so bad
- "Most sex advice still tends to focus on genital manipulation skills rather than mental skills, as though specific techniques can be expected to override a distracted mind"
- it's not so much about constantly increasing intimacy, but that, in a very distracting world, it's important to rebuild and maintain it
- you can have a great physical experience but strong feelings between partners are the way to have great sex
- "Optimal sexual experiences may require couples to revisit their respective assumptions about any unspoken contracts on a regular basis and flesh out the deatils of what they agree to sexually in order to avoid misunderstandings." I feel like this plays hard into consent of it not just being a simple yes or no. It's a "yes i accept to have this exchange with you given my current circumstances and express my willingness rn to explore my sexual boundaries with you
- "One woman told us about a relationship that did not involve a feeling of give and take and compared the situation to being operated like a pinball machine. Notwithstanding her partner's expertise at genital manipulation, she was struck by his lackof attention to the woman attached to the genitals." T-T LMFAO
- Being on the same page is really important : "is the real issue that she doesn't want to perform oral sex or is that her expectations around fairness have been violated? Is the problem that she is not aroused/lubricated enough or is it that his level of arousal greatly exceeds hers and she feels left ouf ot ehs exual encounter?"
- being able to laugh during sex is important, the message being that if smth goes wrong, no one is devastated feeling that it's a reflection of their personhood and that that's just life
- this book serves to educate about what can exist and not what should be attainted. Possibilities, not requirements. This books doesn't exist to add pressure, "people need to stop beating themselves up for not wanting to have sex when they have so much on their plates"
- low desire isn't a sign of sexual dysfunction but more as indicative signposts of a bigger problem
- "How often is it the case that clients actually have no feelings about sex vs they are disillusioned but harbout faint hopes that someone can help nurture their dormant desires?"
- "I mean just the way they treated me, so wonderfully, i felt like dessert!" this is the cutest thing to say ever I'm taking it
- "Magnificent sex results from refusing to settle. That does not mean refusing to settle for a particular partner, it means refusing to settle for the minimal knowledge of one another required for normal sexual functioning"
This is honestly SUCH an incredible book. I think it's a 4.5 after writing this big thing and thinking more deeply about the book.
Sex can come off robotic, because it is when ur focusing exclusively on these things. Sex becomes all about pleasure and is divorced from it's deeply intimate origins. The studies that this book retells point out, also to note that this is the largest to date study on good sex at the time of publication, what magnificent sex is like! I would agree that we know a whole lot about what bad sex is like : I feel like this is almost a natural postive consequence to sex talk being less taboo, but more discussion doesn't always lead to great sex. This book highlights the characteristics of what magnificent sex is like, a highly distinctive experience that I won't bother trying to describe here cuz idt i'd be able to do the message justice.
Here are some interesting points I remembered though :
- sex therapy isn't too effective in bringing about magnificent sex as it's focus is on sexual dysfunction. Their belief is that "optimal sexual experiences are by default equated with the absence of sexual dysfunctions"
- this study is based on people of all age ranges and has a huge diversity. People into BDSM, younger adults, elderly (70+!), vanilla sex people, handicapped people (which really surprised me). What's incredible is that they all end up describing sex a similar experience
- "sexuality of older people has often been marginalized in mainstream media representations". I remember hearing from a uni friend that "[they're] in their sexual peaks rn" which has never sat well with me. Media lovessssssssssss to oversexualize young adults and older people as like "sex is no longer their thing". Even though older people still continue to have great sex and even better as they strengthen their bond with their partners!
- this study was conducted via phone interviews. WHen recieveing transcripts of the interviews, the researchers were unable to distinguish male from female and old fro young, and kinky from vanilla, disable from able-bodied, more proof of them describing similar experiences.
- magnificent sex is very closelt tied to FLOW which i freaking CALLED IT from the onset. A characteristic of it is to be completely present and not be thinking of anything else, in a sense being entwined with the partner and to only think of the act.
- "A male sex therapist believed that it was absolutely crucial for women to feel desired but that it was not as important for men. 'I think women are much more turned on and satisfied by their partner's volacno-;like desire than the man is. The man is more likely to be turned off by that'" WHO LET HIM COOK. Sex therapy only seems to perpetuate guru stereotype bro science type shit. Like they just observe what's happening and is like, since it's that way not, that's how it should be.
- "Sex with great technique without an emotional connection might be good but idt its going to be great" I connect it with piano playing cuz im a nerd but it's like playing with perfect technique and being on rhythm but having 0 emotion while playing. Like at that point just get a robot, BOOOO.
- "The overwhelming majority of extraordinary lovers told us that intercourse was irrelevant, inconsequential and/or unnecessary for optimal sexual experience." So interesting in a very intercourse sex based culture. "It's just one way of being sexual, Idt in order to have great sex you have to be having intercourse and idt that having intercourse means you're oging to have great sex"
- "Does the public openness (on sex) reflect sexual comfort or reinforce private sexual discomfort and feelings of being defective?"
- Magnificent sex is an intentional and prepared process. It can only happen when both people have already little worries, their kids have been put to bed, they don't hold grudges with each other etc., to have magnificent sex requires an extremely healthy relationship, it's spoken like a precursor.
- idt porn is inherently harmful. It'd be like saying video games are inherently harmful as they show violence and therefore make peopel violent. Similarly they both sell fantasies so you'd expect their impact to be the same. It's a cause to consequence argument, video games = violent -> violence therefore bad. But that's not reality, there's shooter games everywhere but not everywhere is being shot up (except the US). That's because this fantasy is offset by the real world. What about in porn? This fantasy sex isn't offset by a proper sex education and so people always have no idea what good sex is like!
- good sex is rarely talked about. Studies (not including this one) on the subject are almost non-existent
- "too much of what passes for sex education is really reproductive biology, too much sex therapy is oriented towards helping clients eliminate sexual dysfunctions so that "normal" sexual function can be attained"
- sex ed really is complete ass the more I think about it. Ik it's relatively new so it's expected but I wonder what it'll look for my future kids
- these researchers are so cute and dedicated to their research
- why did they include the stuttering of the interviewees T-T, did them dirty for real and lowkey makes the book seem less credible
- "intercourse itself is really important for me to feel bonded with my partner and to really feel like we are one wonderful sexy body" so cute, so in love
- an important factor is an individual's willingness to take risks and to question conventional thinking. In that sense sexual minority groups might in a way be used to this as "they have been forced to reevaluate the relevance of normative sexual scripts". Sexual scripts is such an accurate expression
- orgasms shouldn't be a finality as they are often not sufficient on its own. If we could achieve orgasm easily thanks to some sort of future device, would that be the pinnacle of sex? Idt so, orgasm centric sex is at best reductive.
- "[orgasms] hardly calms your soul or makes you feel automatically closer to somebody else", i think the importance of it is that your partner made you feel that way, the pleasure is almost secondary. But "orgasm needs to be communicated about or at least attended to". Based nuancing the argument.
- magnificent sex isn't sex without hitches, it's having sex and knowing that even if you don't do perfectly, both people are compassionate with each other and keep it pushing.
- "learning how to become centred and focused in non-sexual areas may be good practice for developing the capacity to do so during sex". I wonder if things like tiktok that reduce attention span have a negative impact consequently
- "" knowing some basic sexual techniques could be compared to learning a few social dance moves, from there it becomes possible to explore and improvise"
- "i could explain to ten other men what my husband does that turns me on and if they did it, idk idt i'd be turned on." I wonder also if this technique centric sex is part of why partners are often scared of this "someone's gonna show up and have better sex with them and take them away from me", liek this cuck fear. That anyone can have sex with anyone mechanically and it'll work when in reality sex with your partner or anyone is good because of this atmosphere of trust, being paid attention to, being present etc.
- "When you think that good sex has to do with paying attention to your own movie and making reality agree with a movie, that's a big obstacle to having it work", literally why pornography being essentially most people's main sex ed is so bad
- "Most sex advice still tends to focus on genital manipulation skills rather than mental skills, as though specific techniques can be expected to override a distracted mind"
- it's not so much about constantly increasing intimacy, but that, in a very distracting world, it's important to rebuild and maintain it
- you can have a great physical experience but strong feelings between partners are the way to have great sex
- "Optimal sexual experiences may require couples to revisit their respective assumptions about any unspoken contracts on a regular basis and flesh out the deatils of what they agree to sexually in order to avoid misunderstandings." I feel like this plays hard into consent of it not just being a simple yes or no. It's a "yes i accept to have this exchange with you given my current circumstances and express my willingness rn to explore my sexual boundaries with you
- "One woman told us about a relationship that did not involve a feeling of give and take and compared the situation to being operated like a pinball machine. Notwithstanding her partner's expertise at genital manipulation, she was struck by his lackof attention to the woman attached to the genitals." T-T LMFAO
- Being on the same page is really important : "is the real issue that she doesn't want to perform oral sex or is that her expectations around fairness have been violated? Is the problem that she is not aroused/lubricated enough or is it that his level of arousal greatly exceeds hers and she feels left ouf ot ehs exual encounter?"
- being able to laugh during sex is important, the message being that if smth goes wrong, no one is devastated feeling that it's a reflection of their personhood and that that's just life
- this book serves to educate about what can exist and not what should be attainted. Possibilities, not requirements. This books doesn't exist to add pressure, "people need to stop beating themselves up for not wanting to have sex when they have so much on their plates"
- low desire isn't a sign of sexual dysfunction but more as indicative signposts of a bigger problem
- "How often is it the case that clients actually have no feelings about sex vs they are disillusioned but harbout faint hopes that someone can help nurture their dormant desires?"
- "I mean just the way they treated me, so wonderfully, i felt like dessert!" this is the cutest thing to say ever I'm taking it
- "Magnificent sex results from refusing to settle. That does not mean refusing to settle for a particular partner, it means refusing to settle for the minimal knowledge of one another required for normal sexual functioning"
This is honestly SUCH an incredible book. I think it's a 4.5 after writing this big thing and thinking more deeply about the book.
June 1, 2024
Mega ciekawa analiza badania dotyczącego tego, co czyni seks wspaniałym. Moim zdaniem, pozycja obowiązkowa dla każdej osoby, która chce uprawiać coraz przyjemniejszy seks. Szkoda, że niedostępna po polsku, ale język jest względnie prosty, więc polecam zainteresowanym, którzy trochę angielskiego znają.
February 14, 2023
A great book that emphasizes the need for communication, deliberateness, and empathy. Unfortunately the book tends to echo and could likely have been 30-50% shorter so I only give it 3 stars.
February 19, 2023
I have never read a book like this before, but on one of the daily news emails I read everyday, there was a blurb about new research dispelling the accepted notions of desirable sexual intimacy. Given the fact that I am married and that one aspect of a rewarding marriage is a rewarding sexual relationship, I was intrigued to find out if this was real research or not, and what these new discoveries were.
First, the book is not racy at all, it was not uncomfortable for me, a conservative Christian monogamous heterosexual to read, though the book is written to include audiences of all sorts of sexual persuasions and practices. As it turns out, according to the authors, the things important to achieve a rewarding sex life are fairly universal across all of the groups imaginable.
The focus of the book is not tricks and techniques, as those do not lead to in achieving the results they aspire to (though knowledge of anatomy and some experience is generally needed to get where they want to go…but the authors emphasize that the learn as you go is a very real and appropriate approach), nor is there a sure fire recipe for rewarding sex. Rather, it is multidimensional and focuses more on what goes into a rewarding relationship, versus a not a how to manual.
Take a ways from the book: the contributors and nature of great sex are not connected to media and pop culture depictions, and even academic conceptualizations of what sex is or what it should be. Instead, things that are essential are: approaching the relationship with willingness to be open, flexible, free, invested, honest, immersed, vulnerable, attentive, self aware, connected in mind and body, non judgmental, completely engaged, (mind and body), an attitude that you are entitled to enjoy sex, trusting, willing to engage in exploration of new things as an exercise in learning, open communication, a desire to be pleased and please your partner. Other important take always: recognition that god sex is not natural, there is no recipe, is individual and evolutionary, will take effort, needs generously allocated time, needs to be 100% consensual, is multidimensional for both men and women.
The best analogy I found in the book was to eating. It is a biologically driven activity, but if all you eat is kitchen scraps, you would not be very motivated to eat any more than necessary for survival. Learning to cook, developing your palate, and having a variety of options are all essential to not only want to eat, but to enjoy eating. Learning to cook takes time, effort, attention to detail, and desire. But it can be very rewarding at mealtimes. Not every meal turns out as intended…there will be successes and failures along the way, but for those committed to making eating a good experience, it is certainly in the realm of what is achievable. But, just like a great meal, a rewarding sex life does not happen naturally, by accident, or by chance. You have to work at it the same way you learn to cook or play piano.
Of note, the last 1/3 of the book or so addresses issues of discrepancies between partners in interest, desire, and frequency as it relates to the sexual relationship…the most common sexual issues in relationships. It goes into the best reasons for these issues, and has a novel approach to looking at and addressing the issue. I found this part of the book particularly enlightening and new.
Anyway, this book gave me things to focus on to make my marriage as fulfilling as possible.
First, the book is not racy at all, it was not uncomfortable for me, a conservative Christian monogamous heterosexual to read, though the book is written to include audiences of all sorts of sexual persuasions and practices. As it turns out, according to the authors, the things important to achieve a rewarding sex life are fairly universal across all of the groups imaginable.
The focus of the book is not tricks and techniques, as those do not lead to in achieving the results they aspire to (though knowledge of anatomy and some experience is generally needed to get where they want to go…but the authors emphasize that the learn as you go is a very real and appropriate approach), nor is there a sure fire recipe for rewarding sex. Rather, it is multidimensional and focuses more on what goes into a rewarding relationship, versus a not a how to manual.
Take a ways from the book: the contributors and nature of great sex are not connected to media and pop culture depictions, and even academic conceptualizations of what sex is or what it should be. Instead, things that are essential are: approaching the relationship with willingness to be open, flexible, free, invested, honest, immersed, vulnerable, attentive, self aware, connected in mind and body, non judgmental, completely engaged, (mind and body), an attitude that you are entitled to enjoy sex, trusting, willing to engage in exploration of new things as an exercise in learning, open communication, a desire to be pleased and please your partner. Other important take always: recognition that god sex is not natural, there is no recipe, is individual and evolutionary, will take effort, needs generously allocated time, needs to be 100% consensual, is multidimensional for both men and women.
The best analogy I found in the book was to eating. It is a biologically driven activity, but if all you eat is kitchen scraps, you would not be very motivated to eat any more than necessary for survival. Learning to cook, developing your palate, and having a variety of options are all essential to not only want to eat, but to enjoy eating. Learning to cook takes time, effort, attention to detail, and desire. But it can be very rewarding at mealtimes. Not every meal turns out as intended…there will be successes and failures along the way, but for those committed to making eating a good experience, it is certainly in the realm of what is achievable. But, just like a great meal, a rewarding sex life does not happen naturally, by accident, or by chance. You have to work at it the same way you learn to cook or play piano.
Of note, the last 1/3 of the book or so addresses issues of discrepancies between partners in interest, desire, and frequency as it relates to the sexual relationship…the most common sexual issues in relationships. It goes into the best reasons for these issues, and has a novel approach to looking at and addressing the issue. I found this part of the book particularly enlightening and new.
Anyway, this book gave me things to focus on to make my marriage as fulfilling as possible.
July 6, 2024
Possibly the best book on sexuality I have ever read. It ties together the different points of view and schools that I have come across as a sex and psychotherapist over the years.
Don't expect a cookbook on sex, but be prepared to have your strongly held beliefs on sex challenged and to be inspired.
The book is quite focused on qualitative research so generalizability is limited, even though their findings mirror results in theoretical and quantitative research on sex.
Don't expect a cookbook on sex, but be prepared to have your strongly held beliefs on sex challenged and to be inspired.
The book is quite focused on qualitative research so generalizability is limited, even though their findings mirror results in theoretical and quantitative research on sex.
August 5, 2023
This relates to how we handle relationships, with sexual relationships as protagonist.
Being present, empathic, and understanding, are just the things we require.
Being present, empathic, and understanding, are just the things we require.
February 1, 2024
This book had some interesting facts and good information but it was pretty clinical. The quotes from the participants irritated me a bit.... but I think it was because I listened to it!
July 31, 2024
Presents the research from a single study of people who described having magnificent sex. Readers could be forgiven for skipping to the last part, on the implications of the research. May be helpful in reducing shame and opening up possibilities for partners feeling stuck in having less frequent and/or pleasurable sex than they feel may be possible.
June 16, 2022
Complete waste of time. Basically a word vomit, based on an internal counseling protocol, thats talks a lot about how everyone has problems with sex…but with very little actionable advice on how to fix that. Long story, short: sex is different for everyone, so figure yourself out if you want to experience great sex. Then communicate that clearly to your partner(s).
Now, which book to read to figure myself out…?
Now, which book to read to figure myself out…?
August 11, 2022
Not worth my time. Just a lot of hot air.
July 18, 2021
The entire idea of this book is super interesting. Sex therapists and researchers decided to attempt to fill a gap in sex research - identifying what makes sex magnificent. To do this, the researchers sought out people who consistently had magnificent sex, seeking out those who identified that way. They interviewed these volunteer people, who consisted of a range of ages, sexual orientations, sexual interests, relationship statuses, physical abilities, etc. After conducting detailed interviews with all participants, a group of researchers blind read through all transcripts and identifies what trends and pattern they saw. Using this information, the researchers determined what composed magnificent sex and how people prepared for magnificent sex.
To summarize the findings, anyone can have magnificent sex, which is not really about intercourse at all, but to have magnificent sex, one must commit to the time, effort, and prioritization required to have it. This book really was incredibly interesting and enlightening.
To summarize the findings, anyone can have magnificent sex, which is not really about intercourse at all, but to have magnificent sex, one must commit to the time, effort, and prioritization required to have it. This book really was incredibly interesting and enlightening.
August 20, 2023
Despite a few writing issues, this was a welcome approach to sex which focused on the elements required for an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life. The overly academic structure of the book might be a turn-off for more casual readers, but I found it enjoyably thorough and as scientifically rigorous as one can get on such a subjective topic.
Those looking for Cosmo-style tips and tricks advice will be disappointed, but for the open-minded, the type of mindset this book promotes is far more beneficial for long-term sexual enjoyment.
Some aspects were discussed perhaps too broadly and there was a sense of repetition towards the end of what was a reasonably dense read. Taking it in smaller chunks and spending some time thinking through each element is probably the best way to read this.
Those looking for Cosmo-style tips and tricks advice will be disappointed, but for the open-minded, the type of mindset this book promotes is far more beneficial for long-term sexual enjoyment.
Some aspects were discussed perhaps too broadly and there was a sense of repetition towards the end of what was a reasonably dense read. Taking it in smaller chunks and spending some time thinking through each element is probably the best way to read this.
January 11, 2021
An excellent book.
This book does indeed change the conversation around sexual desire and intimacy. It surveys carefully the lived experiences of its research participants and draws expansive and potentially far reading conclusions. Societal and therapeutic expectations are analysed and evaluated. The experience of individuals is presented and evaluated in an honest and candid manner. This is not a formulaic 'how to' approach, but rather a discussion of potentials with an encouraging message that Magnificent Sex is realistic and attainable.
This book does indeed change the conversation around sexual desire and intimacy. It surveys carefully the lived experiences of its research participants and draws expansive and potentially far reading conclusions. Societal and therapeutic expectations are analysed and evaluated. The experience of individuals is presented and evaluated in an honest and candid manner. This is not a formulaic 'how to' approach, but rather a discussion of potentials with an encouraging message that Magnificent Sex is realistic and attainable.
December 12, 2021
Hard to take it too seriously, but it's enjoyable. I think it places too high an emphasis on communication and empathy. It's hard to ignore the selection effect: I'm not surprised that the people who spent the time talking to a group of phenomenologists about sex also highly value communication in their personal interactions. Physical and emotional co-presence is crucial to sex tout court no doubt, but there's a lot of chicken-and-egg here. Is the former a contributor to, characteristic of, or result from great sex? I struggle to disentangle it myself. My personal take is the second.
December 27, 2022
A friend recommended this book really highly as she uses it in her therapy practice a lot. The topic is interesting and the authors are clearly experts in the field and seasoned researchers. A lot of the book is quotes from real couples, which are interesting but not edited, so they are full of "um, and, umm, I think" and it made it really hard to read for me. I didn't find the information super ground-breaking but was worth reading. An extra star for tackling a challenging topic with a lot of elegance and thoughtfulness.
October 2, 2023
This is an academic book explaining the findings of researchers who sought to understand the positive aspects of sex, rather than solve problems of sexual dysfunction. They conducted a large qualitative survey, and found that it takes dedicated, planned commitment to have magnificent sex on a regular basis. It has less to do with a specific skill set, and more to do with how well the individuals focused on their partner(s), the level of clear and open communication, and a willingness to be attentive in the moment to emphatically understanding the needs of their sexual partners.
March 7, 2024
Components:
- completely absorbed in the experience and sensations, no physical or mental distractions
- Fully connected and engaged with the partner - synchronicity. I.e., present in the connection
- Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. The relationship in which it happens.
- Extraordinary communication and deep empathy
- Generous, authentic, transparent, trust
- Transcendent
Features
- very little attention to most types of positions, but lots of attention to kissing
- Orgasms not a necessary or sufficient condition for magnificent sex - they are a bonus
- completely absorbed in the experience and sensations, no physical or mental distractions
- Fully connected and engaged with the partner - synchronicity. I.e., present in the connection
- Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. The relationship in which it happens.
- Extraordinary communication and deep empathy
- Generous, authentic, transparent, trust
- Transcendent
Features
- very little attention to most types of positions, but lots of attention to kissing
- Orgasms not a necessary or sufficient condition for magnificent sex - they are a bonus
February 15, 2022
I can't remember where I heard about this...on a news show/talk show? It sounded interesting, so I put it on hold. I only listened to about 2/3 of it, at 1.6x speed. There were definitely parts that were engaging, but overall I found it sort of...boring. And that feels weird to say about a book abut sex, but it was written in a very academic style and it was repetitive. 3 stars is rounding up, or maybe the rating for the very best parts.
May 2, 2024
The biggest takeaway for me was to make sure that you are fully present during sex, and put in the work beforehand to make sure that is the case (creating enough time, and having a clean space being the two that seemed to have the highest impact)
Keinplatz emphasized making sure that you are having the type of sex that keeps you wanting to have more of it. That is the ultimate litmus test.
Keinplatz emphasized making sure that you are having the type of sex that keeps you wanting to have more of it. That is the ultimate litmus test.
August 10, 2021
If you want to have extraordinary sex, take risks by being vulnerable, and forget date nights- accept yourself and your flaws. Most importantly, love yourself, love others and don’t sleep with people you don’t love and who don’t live you.
November 25, 2021
Really his book is about the person you want to be in a relationship
Definitely worth a read, and not only about what it’s about! Don’t be put off by this title if the goal feels lofty.
Definitely worth a read, and not only about what it’s about! Don’t be put off by this title if the goal feels lofty.
May 7, 2023
Loved so much the insights and the recognition that sex is much more than penetration and the difference in how we view sex is real.
Great to see and read the insights from different lovers and the growth one needs to do and look into it to reach magnificent sex
Great to see and read the insights from different lovers and the growth one needs to do and look into it to reach magnificent sex
July 25, 2024
Really great resource; I do wish the authors touched on asexuality, as some components seem quite dismissive of this identity. Otherwise, I can see this being quite helpful for many, and I like how hopeful it is.
January 30, 2021
Although it was a bit repetitive, it is a must-read for all couples who aspire to better, more valuable and more satisfying sex.
March 1, 2021
Very helpful
Nice to know that there is a pathway up the mountain and to be guided there by others through this book.
Nice to know that there is a pathway up the mountain and to be guided there by others through this book.
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