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Retief #3
Retief's War
James Retief, assigned to unite hostile Quoppian tribes for the sake of Earth's security, must first foil the destructive plans of the evil Groaci and encounters the beautiful princess, Fifi
218 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1965
About the author
Keith Laumer
482 books216 followersJohn Keith Laumer was an American science fiction author. Prior to becoming a full-time writer, he was an officer in the U.S. Air Force and a U.S. diplomat. His brother March Laumer was also a writer, known for his adult reinterpretations of the Land of Oz (also mentioned in Keith's The Other Side of Time).
Keith Laumer (aka J.K Laumer, J. Keith Laumer) is best known for his Bolo stories and his satirical Retief series. The former chronicles the evolution of juggernaut-sized tanks that eventually become self-aware through the constant improvement resulting from centuries of intermittent warfare against various alien races. The latter deals with the adventures of a cynical spacefaring diplomat who constantly has to overcome the red-tape-infused failures of people with names like Ambassador Grossblunder. The Retief stories were greatly influenced by Laumer's earlier career in the United States Foreign Service. In an interview with Paul Walker of Luna Monthly, Laumer states "I had no shortage of iniquitous memories of the Foreign Service."
Four of his shorter works received Hugo or Nebula Award nominations (one of them, "In the Queue", received nominations for both) and his novel A Plague of Demons was nominated for the Nebula Award for Best Novel in 1966.
During the peak years of 1959–1971, Laumer was a prolific science fiction writer, with his novels tending to follow one of two patterns: fast-paced, straight adventures in time and space, with an emphasis on lone-wolf, latent superman protagonists, self-sacrifice and transcendence or, broad comedies, sometimes of the over-the-top variety.
In 1971, Laumer suffered a stroke while working on the novel The Ultimax Man. As a result, he was unable to write for a few years. As he explained in an interview with Charles Platt published in The Dream Makers (1987), he refused to accept the doctors' diagnosis. He came up with an alternative explanation and developed an alternative (and very painful) treatment program. Although he was unable to write in the early 1970s, he had a number of books which were in the pipeline at the time of the stroke published during that time.
In the mid-1970s, Laumer partially recovered from the stroke and resumed writing. However, the quality of his work suffered and his career declined (Piers Anthony, How Precious Was That While, 2002). In later years Laumer also reused scenarios and characters from his earlier works to create "new" books, which some critics felt was to their detriment:
Alas, Retief to the Rescue doesn't seem so much like a new Retief novel, but a kind of Cuisnart mélange of past books.
-- Somtow Sucharitkul (Washington Post, Mar 27, 1983. p. BW11)
His Bolo creations were popular enough that other authors have written standalone science-fiction novels about them.
Laumer was also a model airplane enthusiast, and published two dozen designs between 1956 and 1962 in the U.S. magazines Air Trails, Model Airplane News and Flying Models, as well as the British magazine Aero Modeler. He published one book on the subject, How to Design and Build Flying Models in 1960. His later designs were mostly gas-powered free flight planes, and had a whimsical charm with names to match, like the "Twin Lizzie" and the "Lulla-Bi". His designs are still being revisited, reinvented and built today.
Keith Laumer (aka J.K Laumer, J. Keith Laumer) is best known for his Bolo stories and his satirical Retief series. The former chronicles the evolution of juggernaut-sized tanks that eventually become self-aware through the constant improvement resulting from centuries of intermittent warfare against various alien races. The latter deals with the adventures of a cynical spacefaring diplomat who constantly has to overcome the red-tape-infused failures of people with names like Ambassador Grossblunder. The Retief stories were greatly influenced by Laumer's earlier career in the United States Foreign Service. In an interview with Paul Walker of Luna Monthly, Laumer states "I had no shortage of iniquitous memories of the Foreign Service."
Four of his shorter works received Hugo or Nebula Award nominations (one of them, "In the Queue", received nominations for both) and his novel A Plague of Demons was nominated for the Nebula Award for Best Novel in 1966.
During the peak years of 1959–1971, Laumer was a prolific science fiction writer, with his novels tending to follow one of two patterns: fast-paced, straight adventures in time and space, with an emphasis on lone-wolf, latent superman protagonists, self-sacrifice and transcendence or, broad comedies, sometimes of the over-the-top variety.
In 1971, Laumer suffered a stroke while working on the novel The Ultimax Man. As a result, he was unable to write for a few years. As he explained in an interview with Charles Platt published in The Dream Makers (1987), he refused to accept the doctors' diagnosis. He came up with an alternative explanation and developed an alternative (and very painful) treatment program. Although he was unable to write in the early 1970s, he had a number of books which were in the pipeline at the time of the stroke published during that time.
In the mid-1970s, Laumer partially recovered from the stroke and resumed writing. However, the quality of his work suffered and his career declined (Piers Anthony, How Precious Was That While, 2002). In later years Laumer also reused scenarios and characters from his earlier works to create "new" books, which some critics felt was to their detriment:
Alas, Retief to the Rescue doesn't seem so much like a new Retief novel, but a kind of Cuisnart mélange of past books.
-- Somtow Sucharitkul (Washington Post, Mar 27, 1983. p. BW11)
His Bolo creations were popular enough that other authors have written standalone science-fiction novels about them.
Laumer was also a model airplane enthusiast, and published two dozen designs between 1956 and 1962 in the U.S. magazines Air Trails, Model Airplane News and Flying Models, as well as the British magazine Aero Modeler. He published one book on the subject, How to Design and Build Flying Models in 1960. His later designs were mostly gas-powered free flight planes, and had a whimsical charm with names to match, like the "Twin Lizzie" and the "Lulla-Bi". His designs are still being revisited, reinvented and built today.
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
March 29, 2009
This is probably the third or fourth time I've read this book and again, I enjoy the way Laumer pokes fun at liberals, bureaucracy and bureaucrats. Retief is the "James Bond" of the galaxy, deftly handing any manner of problem that may pop up, working his way around bumbling superiors and rescuing both planets and babes from the hands of those power-hungry minions that would do harm to both.
His tongue-in-cheek presentation will keep you chuckling.
His tongue-in-cheek presentation will keep you chuckling.
May 16, 2016
I first read this fifty years ago, as an (almost) beardless youth, and was delighted to find a second hand copy in Bookworm.
It is pure froth, unlike for instance https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1..., which gave me tools I still think with. But it's joyful froth, including my all-time favourite threat in all of science fiction:
"To remember which side of the bread substitute has the ikky-wax on it."
It is pure froth, unlike for instance https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1..., which gave me tools I still think with. But it's joyful froth, including my all-time favourite threat in all of science fiction:
"To remember which side of the bread substitute has the ikky-wax on it."
June 24, 2021
I came across this in a used book-store in Delhi when I was serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer in India. A fellow volunteer took a look at it, on my recommendation, and said: "This is pretty bush, isn't it?". Fifty years later those words still rankle.
I'll admit there are some aspects of this novel which are so silly as to be called "bush", but there are other aspects which are not. This review is somewhat of an apologia. I suspect Mr Laumer would laugh heartily at the mere idea.
Being part of a bureaucracy – if on the bottom rung, and a de facto member of the diplomatic service – as the only U.S. citizen many Indians ever saw. I thought John, let's call him John, would at least appreciate the satire.
"...'Sometimes I wonder whose side you CDT boys are on,' [Scar-face said].
'The motivation of the diplomat is an enigma that even his best friend, if he had one, would be hard put to define,' Retief confided. 'Technically, the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne is dedicated to the protection of Terran interests, Galaxy-wide. Of course, figuring out what those interests really are can get a little complicated.'
'Like equipping local cops with clubs to pound Terry heads, using fees squeezed out of Terry businessmen,' Seymour growled...
'What does the Corps want here, anyway?' Leon demanded. 'Quopp was doing all right – with a little help from Terry free enterprise; then along comes a bunch of CDT Johnnies getting everything organized, and all of a sudden us Terries are undesirable aliens.'
Retief refilled glasses. 'Admittedly, some of the measures selected by our Chief of Mission may seem paradoxical at first glance. But that's just because you haven't entered into the spirit of the game. All of the measures Ambassador Longspoon has taken—restrictions on private enterprise by Terrans, establishment of the Planetary Police, free goods for the indigent, subsidies for Voion commercial enterprise, and the rest—are designed to bring peace and plenty to the downtrodden locals whom you fellows have been exploiting.'
'What do you mean exploiting?' Big Leon's fist hit the table. 'Why, a hundred years ago, when the first Terries hit Quopp, there was nothing here but wild Bugs living in grass huts and eating each other. We laid out the towns, built trails, started 'em in on a little cottage industry and inter-tribal trade. We brought in electronics men to be country G.P.'s, developed new lines of merchandise to make life more beautiful for the Quopp in the street, and taught 'em the idea of civilization. Sure, we made a good profit—but they've got their money's worth every step of the way...'" (p. 11, 12)
This is not only satire, but a critique of civilization! And there is, unfortunately, more than a tad of "The White Man's Burden" (redefined, of course, as The Terran's Burden, I've no idea to which race any of the humans in this book belong). And naturally there is a toot on the horn for American Free Enterprise. The Terrans' main rivals in Mr Laumer's galaxy are the Groaci who, while being repellent as a species and talking only in infinitives, are probably Russian communists in disguise.
"...'Oh, [so Ikk is] prime minister, eh?' Who gave him that title?'
'Why, he advised the ambassador that it was conferred early this morning by unanimous vote of the Council of Drones.'Retief followed Magnan into the lift; the doors closed with a soft whoosh!* of compressed air. The car lurched, started heavily upward.
'Let's see,' Retief mused. 'That's the dummy legislature he set up to satisfy the ambassador's passion for democracy, isn't it? It was fortunate he had seventy-three senile uncles handy to appoint; saved the bother of breaking in strangers.'
'Yours is a distorted view of the evolution of representational government here on Quopp,' Magnan said reprovingly. 'Closer attention to your Daily Bulletin from the Bird's Nest would go far toward homogenizing your thinking on the subject.'
'I thought that was something they did to milk.'
'The term refers to voluntary alignment of viewpoint toward a group-oriented polarity; a sort of linkage of moral horsepower for maximal thrust toward the objective.'
'I'm not sure that pasteurized thinking is rich enough in intellectual vitamins to satisfy my growing curiosity about just what Ikk is up to'..." (p. 23)
The serene beauty of double-speak—or perhaps oblique-speak would serve better.
* This was published, in book-form, in 1965, serialized previously. The first episode of Star Trek was aired on September 8, 1966. Star Trek clearly ripped off the idea for their doors from Mr Laumer!
Satire aside, and there are many funny examples of bureaucracy and diplomacy in inaction, there are other aspects to the novel. Characterization is at a minimum. Retief himself is good, smart, tough and loaded with luck. He and every other character are as flat as paper. There is no character development in anyone at any time. The story too is interesting only in that it is episodic. The reader never knows what will happen next, and wonders if Mr Laumer did either.
But those are not the point. Characterization and plot are far down the list of Mr Laumer's concerns. What he enjoys – apart from the satire – is world-building.
Quopp is a world inhabited by bugs – or sort of bugs, actually more like crustaceans. They come in all sizes from the huge flying Rhoon and two ton rolling Jackoo down to the tiny Phips. In between we have the Zilk, Ween, Herpp, Clute, Voobs, Voion and the high wheeled Blang. Because while all the Quoppina have mandibles and antennae, palps, oculars and carapaces very few have legs. Almost all Quoppina locomote with wheels. Or, as in the case of the Rhoon and Phips with propellers. Quopp is a beautiful world with two moons and a large sun:
"It was now after Second Jooprise, and Retief moved along in multicolored gloom beneath towering trees of a thousand varieties, each bearing metal-bright leaves in gay tones, which rustled and tinkled, clashing with soft musical notes as the arching branches stirred to the wind.
Half an hour's walk brought him to a stream of clear water bubbling over a shallow, sandy bottom bright with vivid colored pebbles. Small aquatic Quoppina the size of Phips darted to and fro in the sun-dappled water, propelled by rotating members modified by evolutionary processes into twin screws astern..." (p. 93)
The flora as well as the fauna on Quopp have a high metal content. Which has not, until recently, been a problem.
"Gerthudion sat squatted on folded legs, her stilled rotors canted at non-aeronautical angles.
'This talk, it makes no sense,' she tubaed. 'Dead Rhoon, their innards to replace with wire imported from a factory on another world? Power cells instead of a stomach? Usurping Voion strapped into saddles in place of honest Rhoonish brains?'
'That's about it. You Quoppina all have organo-electronic interiors, and there's enough metal in your makeup to simplify spot welding the necessary replacement components in position. A nuclear pack the size of a fat man's lunch will supply enough power to run even those king-sized rotors of yours for a year. I didn't have time to examine the dead Rhoon I saw in detail, but I'd guess they've even rigged the oculars to a cockpit display screen to take advantage of your natural vision...'[said Retief]". (p. 110)
Naturally Quopp culture is based on creatures whose sensory organs and behavior are somewhat strange:
"'All of you are under arrest,' [the Voion] rasped. 'Place your manipulative members above your sense-organ clusters and proceed hence!'..." (p. 8)
"...'I am Tief-tief,' he called. 'And I dance the Dance of Friendly Intentions.'
There was a flicker of motion at a window. The polished tip of an arrow poked into view, followed by a pale blue head.
'I am Nop-Nee, and I dance the Dance of Fair Warning,' a squeaky-chalk voice piped." (p. 113)
More diplomacy:
"...'While I was out on patrol, I caught a nosy Voion creeping up on us and flattened him single-wheeled!'
'Way I hear it, yo u was sneaking off the back way and run into the whole Voion army,' Fut-fut commented. 'It scare you so bad you come rolling back fast!'
'The idea! I'd just slipped away for a little solitary contemplation-'
'We'll compose a suitable military history of the operation later,' Retief interposed. 'We'll put in all the things we wish we'd done, and leave out the embarrassing mistakes...'" (p. 141)
"It was almost dawn. Ambassador Longspoon, freshly shaved and arrayed in a crisp breakfast hour informal dickey in puce and ocher stripes, stared glumly across the width of his platinum desk..." (p. 163)
"...The desk screen buzzed. 'The Revolutionary Council is here to see you, Mr. Ambassador,' a vinegary voice announced.
'Show thin in at once, Fester.' Longspoon arranged his features, faced the door expectantly. 'I'll just quickly establish my ascendancy over these fellows,' he explained. May as well get matters off on the correct footing...'
Magnan leaned toward Retief. 'I love watching him work,' he murmured. 'It only took him an instant to decide on Hearty Congratulations plus Alert Awareness of Irregularities, and just the teeniest bit of Latent severity, all tied together with a touch of Gracious Condescension.'
'A great technician,' Retief agreed. 'Too bad you can't tell the result from Stunned Incredulity.'
'Umm. Still, the Quoppina won't know the difference.'" (p. 165)
"...'Hmmph.' Longspoon eyed Jik-jik sourly. 'I must say this chap is a shrewder negotiator than I'd anticipated. I can see we're all going to have to tighten our belts and settle down to a long campaign before we can bring Quopp to readiness for membership in the Free Liaison of Organized Planets.'
Magnan sniffed.. 'From what I've seen of these confounded rebels—that is, the freedom-loving standard bearers of the aroused populace—they may never be ready for FLOP.'...
...'Maybe you'd better invite these fellows along to the military ball tonight,' Underknuckle announced. 'After all, as the rebel leaders, we can consider them as honorary military men, even though they lack formal training.'
'By all means,' Longspoon said. 'An excellent opportunity to make a few points; or rather, to implement our sincere and heartfelt sense of solidarity with the forces of popular aspiration.'
'Oh, well put, Mr. Ambassador,' Magnan gasped..." (p. 169)
"'Well, Tief-tief,' the Ween sad. 'Look like all the excitement over for a while. I going to miss it. Cutting greens not near as good exercise as snipping Voion down to size.' He sighed. 'Us going to miss you, too, when you gone back to Stiltsville.'
'You'll find that fighting in defense of peace will absorb all your spare energy, now that you're civilized,' Retief reassured him..." (p. 170)
All in all this is a good romp, full of fun and invention with plenty of adventure and never a doubt, at any time, that Retief will prevail and give us a happy ending. Maybe a bit bush...
I'll admit there are some aspects of this novel which are so silly as to be called "bush", but there are other aspects which are not. This review is somewhat of an apologia. I suspect Mr Laumer would laugh heartily at the mere idea.
Being part of a bureaucracy – if on the bottom rung, and a de facto member of the diplomatic service – as the only U.S. citizen many Indians ever saw. I thought John, let's call him John, would at least appreciate the satire.
"...'Sometimes I wonder whose side you CDT boys are on,' [Scar-face said].
'The motivation of the diplomat is an enigma that even his best friend, if he had one, would be hard put to define,' Retief confided. 'Technically, the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne is dedicated to the protection of Terran interests, Galaxy-wide. Of course, figuring out what those interests really are can get a little complicated.'
'Like equipping local cops with clubs to pound Terry heads, using fees squeezed out of Terry businessmen,' Seymour growled...
'What does the Corps want here, anyway?' Leon demanded. 'Quopp was doing all right – with a little help from Terry free enterprise; then along comes a bunch of CDT Johnnies getting everything organized, and all of a sudden us Terries are undesirable aliens.'
Retief refilled glasses. 'Admittedly, some of the measures selected by our Chief of Mission may seem paradoxical at first glance. But that's just because you haven't entered into the spirit of the game. All of the measures Ambassador Longspoon has taken—restrictions on private enterprise by Terrans, establishment of the Planetary Police, free goods for the indigent, subsidies for Voion commercial enterprise, and the rest—are designed to bring peace and plenty to the downtrodden locals whom you fellows have been exploiting.'
'What do you mean exploiting?' Big Leon's fist hit the table. 'Why, a hundred years ago, when the first Terries hit Quopp, there was nothing here but wild Bugs living in grass huts and eating each other. We laid out the towns, built trails, started 'em in on a little cottage industry and inter-tribal trade. We brought in electronics men to be country G.P.'s, developed new lines of merchandise to make life more beautiful for the Quopp in the street, and taught 'em the idea of civilization. Sure, we made a good profit—but they've got their money's worth every step of the way...'" (p. 11, 12)
This is not only satire, but a critique of civilization! And there is, unfortunately, more than a tad of "The White Man's Burden" (redefined, of course, as The Terran's Burden, I've no idea to which race any of the humans in this book belong). And naturally there is a toot on the horn for American Free Enterprise. The Terrans' main rivals in Mr Laumer's galaxy are the Groaci who, while being repellent as a species and talking only in infinitives, are probably Russian communists in disguise.
"...'Oh, [so Ikk is] prime minister, eh?' Who gave him that title?'
'Why, he advised the ambassador that it was conferred early this morning by unanimous vote of the Council of Drones.'Retief followed Magnan into the lift; the doors closed with a soft whoosh!* of compressed air. The car lurched, started heavily upward.
'Let's see,' Retief mused. 'That's the dummy legislature he set up to satisfy the ambassador's passion for democracy, isn't it? It was fortunate he had seventy-three senile uncles handy to appoint; saved the bother of breaking in strangers.'
'Yours is a distorted view of the evolution of representational government here on Quopp,' Magnan said reprovingly. 'Closer attention to your Daily Bulletin from the Bird's Nest would go far toward homogenizing your thinking on the subject.'
'I thought that was something they did to milk.'
'The term refers to voluntary alignment of viewpoint toward a group-oriented polarity; a sort of linkage of moral horsepower for maximal thrust toward the objective.'
'I'm not sure that pasteurized thinking is rich enough in intellectual vitamins to satisfy my growing curiosity about just what Ikk is up to'..." (p. 23)
The serene beauty of double-speak—or perhaps oblique-speak would serve better.
* This was published, in book-form, in 1965, serialized previously. The first episode of Star Trek was aired on September 8, 1966. Star Trek clearly ripped off the idea for their doors from Mr Laumer!
Satire aside, and there are many funny examples of bureaucracy and diplomacy in inaction, there are other aspects to the novel. Characterization is at a minimum. Retief himself is good, smart, tough and loaded with luck. He and every other character are as flat as paper. There is no character development in anyone at any time. The story too is interesting only in that it is episodic. The reader never knows what will happen next, and wonders if Mr Laumer did either.
But those are not the point. Characterization and plot are far down the list of Mr Laumer's concerns. What he enjoys – apart from the satire – is world-building.
Quopp is a world inhabited by bugs – or sort of bugs, actually more like crustaceans. They come in all sizes from the huge flying Rhoon and two ton rolling Jackoo down to the tiny Phips. In between we have the Zilk, Ween, Herpp, Clute, Voobs, Voion and the high wheeled Blang. Because while all the Quoppina have mandibles and antennae, palps, oculars and carapaces very few have legs. Almost all Quoppina locomote with wheels. Or, as in the case of the Rhoon and Phips with propellers. Quopp is a beautiful world with two moons and a large sun:
"It was now after Second Jooprise, and Retief moved along in multicolored gloom beneath towering trees of a thousand varieties, each bearing metal-bright leaves in gay tones, which rustled and tinkled, clashing with soft musical notes as the arching branches stirred to the wind.
Half an hour's walk brought him to a stream of clear water bubbling over a shallow, sandy bottom bright with vivid colored pebbles. Small aquatic Quoppina the size of Phips darted to and fro in the sun-dappled water, propelled by rotating members modified by evolutionary processes into twin screws astern..." (p. 93)
The flora as well as the fauna on Quopp have a high metal content. Which has not, until recently, been a problem.
"Gerthudion sat squatted on folded legs, her stilled rotors canted at non-aeronautical angles.
'This talk, it makes no sense,' she tubaed. 'Dead Rhoon, their innards to replace with wire imported from a factory on another world? Power cells instead of a stomach? Usurping Voion strapped into saddles in place of honest Rhoonish brains?'
'That's about it. You Quoppina all have organo-electronic interiors, and there's enough metal in your makeup to simplify spot welding the necessary replacement components in position. A nuclear pack the size of a fat man's lunch will supply enough power to run even those king-sized rotors of yours for a year. I didn't have time to examine the dead Rhoon I saw in detail, but I'd guess they've even rigged the oculars to a cockpit display screen to take advantage of your natural vision...'[said Retief]". (p. 110)
Naturally Quopp culture is based on creatures whose sensory organs and behavior are somewhat strange:
"'All of you are under arrest,' [the Voion] rasped. 'Place your manipulative members above your sense-organ clusters and proceed hence!'..." (p. 8)
"...'I am Tief-tief,' he called. 'And I dance the Dance of Friendly Intentions.'
There was a flicker of motion at a window. The polished tip of an arrow poked into view, followed by a pale blue head.
'I am Nop-Nee, and I dance the Dance of Fair Warning,' a squeaky-chalk voice piped." (p. 113)
More diplomacy:
"...'While I was out on patrol, I caught a nosy Voion creeping up on us and flattened him single-wheeled!'
'Way I hear it, yo u was sneaking off the back way and run into the whole Voion army,' Fut-fut commented. 'It scare you so bad you come rolling back fast!'
'The idea! I'd just slipped away for a little solitary contemplation-'
'We'll compose a suitable military history of the operation later,' Retief interposed. 'We'll put in all the things we wish we'd done, and leave out the embarrassing mistakes...'" (p. 141)
"It was almost dawn. Ambassador Longspoon, freshly shaved and arrayed in a crisp breakfast hour informal dickey in puce and ocher stripes, stared glumly across the width of his platinum desk..." (p. 163)
"...The desk screen buzzed. 'The Revolutionary Council is here to see you, Mr. Ambassador,' a vinegary voice announced.
'Show thin in at once, Fester.' Longspoon arranged his features, faced the door expectantly. 'I'll just quickly establish my ascendancy over these fellows,' he explained. May as well get matters off on the correct footing...'
Magnan leaned toward Retief. 'I love watching him work,' he murmured. 'It only took him an instant to decide on Hearty Congratulations plus Alert Awareness of Irregularities, and just the teeniest bit of Latent severity, all tied together with a touch of Gracious Condescension.'
'A great technician,' Retief agreed. 'Too bad you can't tell the result from Stunned Incredulity.'
'Umm. Still, the Quoppina won't know the difference.'" (p. 165)
"...'Hmmph.' Longspoon eyed Jik-jik sourly. 'I must say this chap is a shrewder negotiator than I'd anticipated. I can see we're all going to have to tighten our belts and settle down to a long campaign before we can bring Quopp to readiness for membership in the Free Liaison of Organized Planets.'
Magnan sniffed.. 'From what I've seen of these confounded rebels—that is, the freedom-loving standard bearers of the aroused populace—they may never be ready for FLOP.'...
...'Maybe you'd better invite these fellows along to the military ball tonight,' Underknuckle announced. 'After all, as the rebel leaders, we can consider them as honorary military men, even though they lack formal training.'
'By all means,' Longspoon said. 'An excellent opportunity to make a few points; or rather, to implement our sincere and heartfelt sense of solidarity with the forces of popular aspiration.'
'Oh, well put, Mr. Ambassador,' Magnan gasped..." (p. 169)
"'Well, Tief-tief,' the Ween sad. 'Look like all the excitement over for a while. I going to miss it. Cutting greens not near as good exercise as snipping Voion down to size.' He sighed. 'Us going to miss you, too, when you gone back to Stiltsville.'
'You'll find that fighting in defense of peace will absorb all your spare energy, now that you're civilized,' Retief reassured him..." (p. 170)
All in all this is a good romp, full of fun and invention with plenty of adventure and never a doubt, at any time, that Retief will prevail and give us a happy ending. Maybe a bit bush...
October 31, 2021
The Retief novels are always fun. They mock diplomacy and spies. Retief is a clever diplomat who continually goes rogue but always ends up making his superiors look good. He's sort of a James Bond type character in a futuristic Science Fiction setting.
A lot of the humor stems from the wildly imaginative (if not improbable) inhabitants of the planet Quoop. Somehow these people have evolved into a mix of mechanical people with wheels instead of legs and sharp talons. The birds don't have wings, but instead are more like helicopters with rotors to provide lift.
The tribes are all absolutely divided into their own groups which seems like something of a metaphor for our own society. They don't get along with one another. Their animosity for one another is second only to their desire to eat anything that comes along (except one group of vegetarians). An earthling is known as a Terry, short for terrestrial and mocked for having legs instead of wheels.
Retief spots a plot to subjugate the planet under one of the tribes, a group of ne'er-do-wells who immediately seize power. Our hero takes it upon himself to wander about and inciting the other tribes to unit against the tyrannical power and the diplomatic plot to subjugate them. He finds himself in tight spot after tight spot and uses some of his diplomatic training and some of his James Bond-like tricks. Before long, the planet is in an uproar as the tyrants, armed with actual weapons, continue their effort of subjugation. Retief becomes their leader and teaches them some military tactics. Some of those tactics are hilarious as the reader strives to picture these wheeled creatures getting bogged down in mud or knocked over like a tortoise flipped over on its shell.
There is nothing ground breaking or especially exciting in regards to Science Fiction as the author chooses to play this one out for laughs. In fact, the novel seems to be almost a parody of the geopolitical structure of the world during the cold war. The novel isn't a long one, but ends at just the right moment. The humor is its strongest characteristic with its implied political commentary coming in a close second place.
A lot of the humor stems from the wildly imaginative (if not improbable) inhabitants of the planet Quoop. Somehow these people have evolved into a mix of mechanical people with wheels instead of legs and sharp talons. The birds don't have wings, but instead are more like helicopters with rotors to provide lift.
The tribes are all absolutely divided into their own groups which seems like something of a metaphor for our own society. They don't get along with one another. Their animosity for one another is second only to their desire to eat anything that comes along (except one group of vegetarians). An earthling is known as a Terry, short for terrestrial and mocked for having legs instead of wheels.
Retief spots a plot to subjugate the planet under one of the tribes, a group of ne'er-do-wells who immediately seize power. Our hero takes it upon himself to wander about and inciting the other tribes to unit against the tyrannical power and the diplomatic plot to subjugate them. He finds himself in tight spot after tight spot and uses some of his diplomatic training and some of his James Bond-like tricks. Before long, the planet is in an uproar as the tyrants, armed with actual weapons, continue their effort of subjugation. Retief becomes their leader and teaches them some military tactics. Some of those tactics are hilarious as the reader strives to picture these wheeled creatures getting bogged down in mud or knocked over like a tortoise flipped over on its shell.
There is nothing ground breaking or especially exciting in regards to Science Fiction as the author chooses to play this one out for laughs. In fact, the novel seems to be almost a parody of the geopolitical structure of the world during the cold war. The novel isn't a long one, but ends at just the right moment. The humor is its strongest characteristic with its implied political commentary coming in a close second place.
April 9, 2019
Instead of a short story collection, Retief gets his first full length novel. I have no idea how Laumer kept everything straight for this - I didn't, but that's because I chose not to create a scorecard. The jargon, the players...jeez! I'm not normally a short story guy...I liked Asimov's collection (now there's a Nostalgic Reread I should go find...The Early Asimov)...but I rather think I prefer Retief in bite sized portions. More reading will tell.
Oh...the Retief quote (actually from another character):
Oh...the Retief quote (actually from another character):
"of just what would possess an Embassy Officer to attack members of the Planetary Police in the performance of their duties!" Purplish color was creeping up from under Longspoon's stiff midmorning informal collar.Yep...Laumer lampooning his former profession again...
Retief shook his head sympathetically. "No, I certainly couldn't explain a thing like that."
Longspoon's lower jaw dropped. "Surely you have some, ah., justification to offer?" He shot a quick side glance at the Voion.
"It would be pretty hard to justify attacking a policeman," Retief offered., "In the performance of his duties at that."
"Look here . . .!" Longspoon leaned toward Retief. "You're supposed to be a diplomat!" he hissed from the corner of his mouth. "You might at least try lying a little!"
April 6, 2020
This was in my house for years, but I finally read it when a coworker of mine mentioned Keith Laumer's Retief series. I wished I read it sooner.
The story is about a James Bond-like diplomat named Jame Retief, and unlike his colleagues, he is strong, clever, and moral. He is sent to a world of mechanical-type but living beings of many different races, primarily the Voions, who were intended by Retief's employers to help govern the planet but instead intend to turn it into a tyranny ruled by their race. Also, another outside race known as the Groaci are involved in this matter, wanting the planet to themselves. Retief disguises himself as one of the natives and works to organize a rebellion against the treacherous Voions.
Yes, like in most Retief stories, the natives are quirky and speak in various types of humorous patois. But that is how it is in the real world; go to Jamaica and realize they don't speak American English. Also, you see that Terran diplomats aren't necessarily aware of how the worlds they travel to are. Lighthearted fun.
The story is about a James Bond-like diplomat named Jame Retief, and unlike his colleagues, he is strong, clever, and moral. He is sent to a world of mechanical-type but living beings of many different races, primarily the Voions, who were intended by Retief's employers to help govern the planet but instead intend to turn it into a tyranny ruled by their race. Also, another outside race known as the Groaci are involved in this matter, wanting the planet to themselves. Retief disguises himself as one of the natives and works to organize a rebellion against the treacherous Voions.
Yes, like in most Retief stories, the natives are quirky and speak in various types of humorous patois. But that is how it is in the real world; go to Jamaica and realize they don't speak American English. Also, you see that Terran diplomats aren't necessarily aware of how the worlds they travel to are. Lighthearted fun.
May 3, 2022
Laumer, Keith. Retief’s War. 1965. Retief No. 3. Baen, 1985.
Retief’s War is perhaps the defining example of the series. It has some loveable, lunkish aliens for Retief to civilize, a spaceship full of beautiful girls, some incompetently villainous Groaci, and a gaggle of buffoonish Terran diplomats. Retief gets to wield a sword. What more could you want? 4 stars because it takes me back to my youth.
Retief’s War is perhaps the defining example of the series. It has some loveable, lunkish aliens for Retief to civilize, a spaceship full of beautiful girls, some incompetently villainous Groaci, and a gaggle of buffoonish Terran diplomats. Retief gets to wield a sword. What more could you want? 4 stars because it takes me back to my youth.
Want to read
January 12, 2017I registered a book at BookCrossing.com!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/14355440
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/14355440
January 18, 2013
Retief, the resourceful and indomitable diplomat who faces countless dangers in the service of the Corps Diplomatique Terrestienne, is on the planet Quopp, with its many forms of wheeled and rotored inhabitants. The Voion, one of the races, have been selected by the CDT to set up a planetary government to replace the cheerful chaos the inhabitants employ. Unfortunately, the Voions idea of peace is subjugating or exterminating all the others.
Retief has his hands full setting up a counter-revolution to oppose the Voion, leading the army, rescuing ten Terran females lost in the jungle and preventing the execution of the whole Terran embassy. His longtime nemeses, the five-eyed Groaci, put in an appearance, getting their sticky fingers in where they aren't wanted.
Light-hearted, silly, funny and fast-moving, filled with the evocatively-named embassy staff (Ambassador Longspoon, Commander Underknuckle), aliens with strange speech patterns and bizarre forms, Laumer throws jabs at diplomacy and meddling in other countries' affairs that probably come from his personal experience in the Diplomatic Service.
Retief has his hands full setting up a counter-revolution to oppose the Voion, leading the army, rescuing ten Terran females lost in the jungle and preventing the execution of the whole Terran embassy. His longtime nemeses, the five-eyed Groaci, put in an appearance, getting their sticky fingers in where they aren't wanted.
Light-hearted, silly, funny and fast-moving, filled with the evocatively-named embassy staff (Ambassador Longspoon, Commander Underknuckle), aliens with strange speech patterns and bizarre forms, Laumer throws jabs at diplomacy and meddling in other countries' affairs that probably come from his personal experience in the Diplomatic Service.
November 13, 2012
2.5 stars:
It had been 7 years since I last read a Retief story...one of my first reviews ever! I read several Laumer books in the interim, so I figured it was high time to get back to what started it all, Retief.
Sadly, this wasn't that great. Just like the first time I read some Retief, I feel like he overstays his welcome in a short novel, and is much better in Laumer's short fiction. Retief's War felt largely like "There, he barely got out of that one, what should I throw at him next?". It just got really old really fast.
In the short stories, there's a larger percentage spent on the setup, which I found more entertaining than the descriptions of Retief's quick jabs, upper cuts, and barrel rolls. They also contained a lot more of the dry wit I was looking for.
It's rare to find Laumer in a used bookstore, but that's probably the only way I'll read more Retief stories. I'll stick with Laumer's more serious works, or Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat stories when I want something in this vein.
It had been 7 years since I last read a Retief story...one of my first reviews ever! I read several Laumer books in the interim, so I figured it was high time to get back to what started it all, Retief.
Sadly, this wasn't that great. Just like the first time I read some Retief, I feel like he overstays his welcome in a short novel, and is much better in Laumer's short fiction. Retief's War felt largely like "There, he barely got out of that one, what should I throw at him next?". It just got really old really fast.
In the short stories, there's a larger percentage spent on the setup, which I found more entertaining than the descriptions of Retief's quick jabs, upper cuts, and barrel rolls. They also contained a lot more of the dry wit I was looking for.
It's rare to find Laumer in a used bookstore, but that's probably the only way I'll read more Retief stories. I'll stick with Laumer's more serious works, or Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat stories when I want something in this vein.
August 25, 2009
This novel postulates a charming alien adaptation; every creature on the planet incorporates the wheel in some form or other as part of its body scheme, even flying creatures with rotor blades instead of wings, as a means of locomotion.
Retief is possibly Science Fiction's most humorous, and also invariably triumphant, recurring character; embodying the intelligence and machismo of James Bond (Retief's portrayal on the cover art of some of the books is rather remininiscent of James Coburn as Derek Flint from the Our Man Flint movies) and the wit and behind-the scenes manipulation of P.G. Wodehouse's Jeeves.
Pick up any Retief novel or short-story collection and you're in for a rollicking "Good Read"! So uncork a bottle of Bacchus Black or Bacchus Red and toast the skewering of any number of Groacci foes (rhymes with whacky) accompanied by a repast of toasted Gribble Grubbs and sliced Hoob Melons for dessert.
Retief is possibly Science Fiction's most humorous, and also invariably triumphant, recurring character; embodying the intelligence and machismo of James Bond (Retief's portrayal on the cover art of some of the books is rather remininiscent of James Coburn as Derek Flint from the Our Man Flint movies) and the wit and behind-the scenes manipulation of P.G. Wodehouse's Jeeves.
Pick up any Retief novel or short-story collection and you're in for a rollicking "Good Read"! So uncork a bottle of Bacchus Black or Bacchus Red and toast the skewering of any number of Groacci foes (rhymes with whacky) accompanied by a repast of toasted Gribble Grubbs and sliced Hoob Melons for dessert.
May 26, 2016
I have always enjoyed the Retief books for their witty combination of fun and action. This one was more of that fun, with the rascal diplomat on a planet with strange biomechanical insects and creatures made of various metals.
A recent arrival, he discovers one section of the population trying to take over the planet with the help of a alien race which is rival to the Terrans in opening trade and cultural relations with the planet. The underdog and constantly in trouble, Retief is always three steps ahead of everyone, but always in a plausible, witty way.
Terrific fun sci fantasy work with lots of clever ideas, and a hero you can't help but enjoy.
A recent arrival, he discovers one section of the population trying to take over the planet with the help of a alien race which is rival to the Terrans in opening trade and cultural relations with the planet. The underdog and constantly in trouble, Retief is always three steps ahead of everyone, but always in a plausible, witty way.
Terrific fun sci fantasy work with lots of clever ideas, and a hero you can't help but enjoy.
September 19, 2013
#3 in Laumer's Jame Retief science fiction series. These were written in the 1960's, but are still fun to read. Retief is a diplomat in the Corps Terrestienne Diplomatique which are the "good guys" in the inter galactic rivalry with the Groaci who are the "bad guys." This is an essentially tongue in cheek series in which Retief's superiors are hopeless incompetents and Retief's always is there to save the day and set things right.
March 31, 2009
This book was not as much fun as Retief of the CDT. It deals mainly with war and rebellion tactics than the crazy antics of incompetent diplomats. I generally find war and battle scenes borng. Would I have been more interested if it took place on a planet full of bunnies and puppies instead of insects? Maybe....
Read
September 6, 2014Simpleminded Terran ambassador sets greedy and stupid race up to subjugate planet of wheeled insect beings. Fortunately, galactic good guy Retief is around to save the planet, the beautiful ship wrecked space travelers and the rum traders.
Read
May 5, 2009Retief's War by Keith Laumer (2000)
May 11, 2012
Retief - need I say more
June 30, 2013
A fun but loosely written romp! If you have read other Retief's you will enjoy this... If not, better to start on one of the earlier works....
July 27, 2016
Typical Laumer: fast-paced, funny, imaginative, irreverent, insightful, a fun read. I look forward to reading everything Laumer ever wrote. I usually don't like terse, but he does it really well.
December 15, 2014
1981 grade B+
2010 grade B+
Retief!
series book R2b (1965)
2010 grade B+
Retief!
series book R2b (1965)
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