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That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships
Often it's not what you say, but how you say it, that counts. Deborah Tannen, the internationally-acclaimed expert on communication and author of the bestselling YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, will help you recognize your own conversational style and how it meshes or clashes with the styles of others. Entertaining and informative, everyone who speaks will want to read this gem.
224 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1986
About the author
Deborah Tannen
78 books318 followersDeborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 172 reviews
July 25, 2011
This book is an excellent complement to Deborah Tannen's other book. It is less about gender, and more about how pacing, volume, and many other stylistic elements of conversation communicate more loudly than our words. These elements can form the basis of unfounded accusations about character if they remain unrecognized. If they are recognized, and at least one conversational partner can exercise stylistic flexibility, then improved communication can occur and peoples' underlying personalities - rather than their cultural habits of communication - can be discovered. It provides extremely helpful insight into the things that make many of our conversations stall with awkward miscues, while others click along with well-matched enthusiasm.
January 21, 2019
"We need to get close to each other to have a sense of
community, to feel we're not alone in the world. But we need
to keep our distance from each other to preserve our
independence, so others don't impose on or engulf us. This
duality reflects the human condition. We are individual and
social creatures. We need other people to survive, but we
want to survive as individuals."
Problems in communication are clearly unsolvable.
"We all keep balancing the needs for involvement and
independence, but individuals as well as cultures place
different relative values on these needs and have different
ways of expressing those values."
community, to feel we're not alone in the world. But we need
to keep our distance from each other to preserve our
independence, so others don't impose on or engulf us. This
duality reflects the human condition. We are individual and
social creatures. We need other people to survive, but we
want to survive as individuals."
Problems in communication are clearly unsolvable.
"We all keep balancing the needs for involvement and
independence, but individuals as well as cultures place
different relative values on these needs and have different
ways of expressing those values."
August 9, 2017
This book used a narrative style that reminded me a lot of Chapman's love language books: the short explanation of the concept in general, and then two or three little stories about "John and Marcy" told to exemplify the concept. It's very easy to digest, easy to understand, and for how short and brief this book is, I think it manages to get across quite a few complex concepts.
The core message (that misunderstandings are more likely to be due to difference in style than real ill will, and that while communication styles may be different none of them are morally superior) is a good one. Although it did somewhat depress me. As a person who CAN. NOT. continue talking if I'm being talked over or interrupted, I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be able to pull off the magical transformation one of her example guys did, by just plunging in and becoming one with the gleeful yelling match. And I do still feel like the "but you have to get me something for my birthday that shows you Know Me Really Well without any input from me because if you need me to give you a birthday list you must not truly care/know me" person is needy and unrealistic and should chill.
In that vein, a lot of this book felt like putting a microscope to a problem that by its very nature is hopeless to fix. Intellectually interesting, but leaving you nothing to do afterward but throw up your hands and accept your doom. Hoping all things about people's motives while trying to be conscious of different cultural communication expectations has left me paranoid and jumping at shadow metamessages. I end up paralyzed into doing what I would have done anyway, and hoping everyone has grace for me and my screw-ups. I wish there was an answer for this, but I don't think there is one, and it's not in this book at any rate.
I mentioned how brief That's Not What I Meant is. In this version, it's barely over 200 pages. Partially constrained by its need to be small enough and simple enough to be accessible, and partially constrained by the nature of socio-linguistics as among the softest of soft sciences, this book is pretty essentialist. That's mostly unavoidable, and I think for what it is, That's Not What I Meant does a decent job at nuance and disclaimer. But it is definitely essentialist in the way that my entry-level Crosscultural Communications class was pretty essentialist. You learn all the stuff about "high context" and "low context" cultures first off, so that later you can study how they stand up or break down when applied to real life.
Some of Tannen's chapters remind me of the sweeping generalizations in my CCC textbook, especially her chapters about male and female communication. The temptation with pop psychology/sociology/personality tests/linguistics is to construct some kind of airtight worldview, artificially forcing everyone into the boxes transcribed by the book. As long as you can avoid that and take broad theoretical constructs for what they are -- approximations with value only inasmuch as they are useful -- then this book has some fascinating insights to share.
The core message (that misunderstandings are more likely to be due to difference in style than real ill will, and that while communication styles may be different none of them are morally superior) is a good one. Although it did somewhat depress me. As a person who CAN. NOT. continue talking if I'm being talked over or interrupted, I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be able to pull off the magical transformation one of her example guys did, by just plunging in and becoming one with the gleeful yelling match. And I do still feel like the "but you have to get me something for my birthday that shows you Know Me Really Well without any input from me because if you need me to give you a birthday list you must not truly care/know me" person is needy and unrealistic and should chill.
In that vein, a lot of this book felt like putting a microscope to a problem that by its very nature is hopeless to fix. Intellectually interesting, but leaving you nothing to do afterward but throw up your hands and accept your doom. Hoping all things about people's motives while trying to be conscious of different cultural communication expectations has left me paranoid and jumping at shadow metamessages. I end up paralyzed into doing what I would have done anyway, and hoping everyone has grace for me and my screw-ups. I wish there was an answer for this, but I don't think there is one, and it's not in this book at any rate.
I mentioned how brief That's Not What I Meant is. In this version, it's barely over 200 pages. Partially constrained by its need to be small enough and simple enough to be accessible, and partially constrained by the nature of socio-linguistics as among the softest of soft sciences, this book is pretty essentialist. That's mostly unavoidable, and I think for what it is, That's Not What I Meant does a decent job at nuance and disclaimer. But it is definitely essentialist in the way that my entry-level Crosscultural Communications class was pretty essentialist. You learn all the stuff about "high context" and "low context" cultures first off, so that later you can study how they stand up or break down when applied to real life.
Some of Tannen's chapters remind me of the sweeping generalizations in my CCC textbook, especially her chapters about male and female communication. The temptation with pop psychology/sociology/personality tests/linguistics is to construct some kind of airtight worldview, artificially forcing everyone into the boxes transcribed by the book. As long as you can avoid that and take broad theoretical constructs for what they are -- approximations with value only inasmuch as they are useful -- then this book has some fascinating insights to share.
February 4, 2019
This is an excellent resource for anyone interested in communication problems. Couples and family members will be the most likely readers but it is also relevant for larger social, cultural, and global conflicts.
This book shows how difficult it is to know what someone else really means when they speak. The author helps identify various ways to clarify and better understand each other.
If you have any relationships at all, you should read this book.....
This book shows how difficult it is to know what someone else really means when they speak. The author helps identify various ways to clarify and better understand each other.
If you have any relationships at all, you should read this book.....
February 27, 2024
Love books about communication styles. I particularly enjoy that this book discusses topics that seem common sense but are not. The way Tannen laid the ideas out lead to a greater understanding of communication styles.
January 12, 2016
I saw some people raving about this online, so I decided to pick up a copy for myself, because I felt that my husband and I could stand to have better communication. This is not a self help book. It's not going to provide you with handy dandy tips on how to improve your method of communication. Written by a linguist, it explores different styles of communication, and how people often end up at cross purposes. It gave me quite a few "light bulb" moments in regards to how my husband's communication style differs from my own. I find myself thinking about it a lot. While I wouldn't say that I've made any changes, I do find myself now starting to reframe the conversation in my head whenever I run into communication difficulties.
April 7, 2019
I'm not insensitive, I just have a different conversation style than you.
I'm not silent, I just have a different conversation style than you.
I do not mean to harm you, I just have a different conversation style than you.
Yes, we both are honest, we just have different conversations styles, so we misunderstand each other all the time.
How, why, and what's really going on, in a nice lean book.
I'm not silent, I just have a different conversation style than you.
I do not mean to harm you, I just have a different conversation style than you.
Yes, we both are honest, we just have different conversations styles, so we misunderstand each other all the time.
How, why, and what's really going on, in a nice lean book.
July 6, 2023
Lot of good insight into conversational style, especially the points about mutual schismogenesis. Deborah does tend to repeat herself, though.
March 21, 2020
"But the most important thing is to be aware that misunderstandings can arise, and with them tempers, when no one is crazy and no one is mean and no one is intentionally dishonest. We can learn to stop and remind ourselves that others may not mean what we heard them say."
February 11, 2022
Great book. You'll get to know important things about various aspects of communication. And how to understand what everyone is saying.
June 17, 2020
Tannen's anecdotes and analysis around linguistics are very relatable and makes it a must read.
The book focuses on the nuances of communication, introduces a concept of conversational style, and makes you reflect on your past conversations. Its a bit too complicated and confusing to comprehend in some areas but so is communication.
Lastly, don't look for a successful formula, it is unrealistic and one is bound to be disappointed
The book focuses on the nuances of communication, introduces a concept of conversational style, and makes you reflect on your past conversations. Its a bit too complicated and confusing to comprehend in some areas but so is communication.
Lastly, don't look for a successful formula, it is unrealistic and one is bound to be disappointed
October 3, 2015
This is another one of those books where I'd really prefer to have two ratings for different parts. Most of the book was very engaging and interesting. Tannen does a good job explaining the concept of communication styles for a novice audience. Given the practical consequences of differing communication styles, that's an important thing. And for the most part, she steers clear of stereotypes that could alienate her audience while still providing concrete, illuminating examples. The one part where she falls into stereotyping really, really hard is in chapter 8, and that's the one where my rating really diverges. Her narrative tone remains the same, but look, if you're going to try gendering speech, unless you're in a country like Japan where certain speech is pretty much verboten for different genders, you're going to have to stereotype. I guess it can be useful for some audiences, but as someone who doesn't really tend to conform to type that much on these sorts of issues, it can be very alienating. I felt kind of like I was eavesdropping on an alien culture or something. It's not a really pleasant feeling, although the sense of archeological intrigue can mitigate that feeling a little bit.
So, overall, the book was very interesting, and I give it 4 stars. However, chapter 8 only gets 3 stars. While never boring, it really doesn't live up to the rest of the book and ultimately feels out of place.
So, overall, the book was very interesting, and I give it 4 stars. However, chapter 8 only gets 3 stars. While never boring, it really doesn't live up to the rest of the book and ultimately feels out of place.
December 31, 2018
You might as well read the last chapter; the rest of the book is just a detailed discussion of the chapter. One thing to keep in mind is that the book does not offer ways to improve conversations, rather it just details the ways in which conversations might go awry. But then if you know what make something to malfunction, you can surely avoid those things to stop the thing from malfunctioning, init? Now, if you just want the gist of the book, then it might be the following:
1) It is almost impossible to have a conversation without obvious hiccups now and then. This does not mean the person/people being talked to are boors and rude; it just highlights the differences in conversational styles.
2) Sometimes people might 'frame' you in a situation or conversation which might warp the meaning of whatever that has gone before and is to come. You can not avoid such 'framing', but can always break such frames. Examples are given in the book.
3) It is always better to focus on metacommunication (approximate translation: true intentions) than on actual communication (or mere information that words convey).
4) Not to judge someone by third person's account.
5) Google these terms: framing, complementary schismogenesis and sapir-whorf hypothesis.
Thanks! :)
1) It is almost impossible to have a conversation without obvious hiccups now and then. This does not mean the person/people being talked to are boors and rude; it just highlights the differences in conversational styles.
2) Sometimes people might 'frame' you in a situation or conversation which might warp the meaning of whatever that has gone before and is to come. You can not avoid such 'framing', but can always break such frames. Examples are given in the book.
3) It is always better to focus on metacommunication (approximate translation: true intentions) than on actual communication (or mere information that words convey).
4) Not to judge someone by third person's account.
5) Google these terms: framing, complementary schismogenesis and sapir-whorf hypothesis.
Thanks! :)
September 30, 2013
I read this book through reasonably fast, and the only reason why I could do this, was because the book was written in a manner that is easy to read. The points that she raised are fantastic, and I could really relate to the examples that she gave.
It is a book that is well worth keeping, reading and absorbing.
There is not too much by way of strategies for improving your communication. Initially, I was a bit disappointed, but then I realized that this is something that each individual has to work out for himself/herself. The danger with many self-help books, is that they promise a lot, and recommend strategies that are often impossible to implement, because they are too generic. So, while she does give some broad recommendations, she wisely avoids making this a universal self-help book that promises the world, and does not deliver on the promise.
The lessons and examples are to be internalised, and practiced, if they are to work. That is the hard work that we, as readers, have to do!
It is a book that is well worth keeping, reading and absorbing.
There is not too much by way of strategies for improving your communication. Initially, I was a bit disappointed, but then I realized that this is something that each individual has to work out for himself/herself. The danger with many self-help books, is that they promise a lot, and recommend strategies that are often impossible to implement, because they are too generic. So, while she does give some broad recommendations, she wisely avoids making this a universal self-help book that promises the world, and does not deliver on the promise.
The lessons and examples are to be internalised, and practiced, if they are to work. That is the hard work that we, as readers, have to do!
June 25, 2011
I enjoyed this book for its informative, yet entertaining style. Ms. Tannen has a way of writing about a scholarly topic that makes it relevant to people who are not linguists. in particular pt. II that discussed the pauses and intonation hit close to home for me. I think that section was most important to a lot of people because we all come from unique home where pauses and the natural flow of conversations differs. Knowing that you might have to adjust your way of pausing or volume in order for effective communication may be the difference in making or breaking a relationship. I highly recommend this book to people who are in business with a variety of people, or who are in leadership positions, but I would also recommend this book to people who are having trouble communicating with people in their daily lives. All in all, I'd every person can take something away from this book and put it toward effective communication.
November 3, 2016
A través de ejemplos cotidianos en las conversaciones del diario, Tannen reconstruye los problemas de comunicación más comunes. Se ayuda de conceptos lingüísticos para explicitar los desacuerdos que surgen cuando las personas intentan expresar sus ideas a través del habla.
El libro tiene pequeños apartados que evitan el extraviarse en un tema tan complejo. El capítulo de la crìtica y en donde explica la metacomunicación son sumamente valiosos. Hay numerosas oraciones e incluso párrafos que pueden utilizarse para hacer un meticuloso análisis del discurso.
El libro tiene pequeños apartados que evitan el extraviarse en un tema tan complejo. El capítulo de la crìtica y en donde explica la metacomunicación son sumamente valiosos. Hay numerosas oraciones e incluso párrafos que pueden utilizarse para hacer un meticuloso análisis del discurso.
June 23, 2018
This book was recommended to all new hires at a new job, but while I appreciate the general advice about empathy, and about trying to understand the deep hidden intentions behind people's actions and giving them the benefit of the doubt, and while I also appreciate some more concrete advice strewn across the book apart from just empathy, as in for example changing the frame, or clarifying your intent by over-communicating -- I still found it pretty hard to stay focused on the content. It feels like the author is just empathizing with all the parties involved.
October 21, 2009
A great compliment to her other book, He Said, She Said. Discusses in great detail the different conversational styles that exist with different people, genders, cultures, ages, etc. Helps one to spot areas and reasons for communication problems which, once identified, can be worked on to be corrected.
March 9, 2024
3.7/5
It was a very insightful book. It talks about messages and metamessages, frames of a conversation, different way of politeness across cultures, different conversation styles between men and women. I like it a lot. And I really like that Tannen would show us an example after every concept she introduced. It really breaks it down so we can see what she’s talking about.
This whole book may come off as overthinking and stereotypical to some but you really have to listen tho. You have to listen to others and notice these little things and then you’ll get like a light bulb moment.
I’m not making sense to people who didn’t read the book. But I would say if you want to save a relationship or a marriage, this would definitely help. I’ll keep this book in mind as I grow older and go through different relationships with different people. This book is handy.
Okay the subjects Tannen talks about, I’ve noticed prior to reading her book. I’ve always noticed these little hiccups in conversations I’m having with other people. I would see it but I wasn’t able to fully explain what was going on. But Tannen successfully did that, she was able to articulate what was going on and put it into words. She was able to really break down conversations and analyze it.
For example, sometimes I would feel like people outside my family don’t understand me or they come off as rude or presumptuous because they don’t act or say things in my definition of politeness. But after reading Tannen, I’m able to see it for what it is. It’s just differences in way of communicating. These people have the best intentions in heart. It just doesn’t translate to my way of conversation or style. And it’s normal. It’s like a different style of raising a kid. Some value honestly and see it as a good virtue. Others see it as being blunt and impolite. Some think talking over people and talking loudly is rude but in New York, those same actions are normal.
Overall, the book was good. It opened up an eye for me
It was a very insightful book. It talks about messages and metamessages, frames of a conversation, different way of politeness across cultures, different conversation styles between men and women. I like it a lot. And I really like that Tannen would show us an example after every concept she introduced. It really breaks it down so we can see what she’s talking about.
This whole book may come off as overthinking and stereotypical to some but you really have to listen tho. You have to listen to others and notice these little things and then you’ll get like a light bulb moment.
I’m not making sense to people who didn’t read the book. But I would say if you want to save a relationship or a marriage, this would definitely help. I’ll keep this book in mind as I grow older and go through different relationships with different people. This book is handy.
Okay the subjects Tannen talks about, I’ve noticed prior to reading her book. I’ve always noticed these little hiccups in conversations I’m having with other people. I would see it but I wasn’t able to fully explain what was going on. But Tannen successfully did that, she was able to articulate what was going on and put it into words. She was able to really break down conversations and analyze it.
For example, sometimes I would feel like people outside my family don’t understand me or they come off as rude or presumptuous because they don’t act or say things in my definition of politeness. But after reading Tannen, I’m able to see it for what it is. It’s just differences in way of communicating. These people have the best intentions in heart. It just doesn’t translate to my way of conversation or style. And it’s normal. It’s like a different style of raising a kid. Some value honestly and see it as a good virtue. Others see it as being blunt and impolite. Some think talking over people and talking loudly is rude but in New York, those same actions are normal.
Overall, the book was good. It opened up an eye for me
January 23, 2022
This is one of the best books I have read about communication perhaps since several years ago when I read Tanner’s bestseller entitled, You Just Don’t Understand, about how men and women communicate differently and often misunderstand each other. This book, “That’s Not What I Meant,” expands upon her previous book and describes in a highly readable manner various communication styles. What I found especially fascinating was her chapter on Conversational Style in Close Relationships in which she persuasively explains “Why Things Get Worse.” She writes about how the more contact people have with each other, the more opportunities both have to do things in their own way and be misunderstood. Although Tannen refers to a class she teaches on cross cultural communication she includes less about cultural differences than I wanted in this book. Such cultural differences in communication become especially relevant as our society becomes increasingly diverse. Tannen has several other books I have yet to read and perhaps she discusses these issues more in her other writings. I highly recommend that everyone read this book. Too often we end rewarding relationships because we misread another’s intent. After reading this book readers will enhance their awareness of their communication skills, specifically how they talk and listen to others, that in turn should inevitably attenuate unnecessary conflicts and improve understanding in their relationships with others.
July 11, 2021
Deborah highlights a wide array of conversational styles and techniques that are commonly used, and includes many helpful examples to demonstrate how they are often used in everyday interactions. She helps us to understand how communication styles and techniques can be misinterpreted and miscommunicated. Because I am more aware of them, I am more conscious of identifying them in conversations.
But the book confirms repeatedly what we already know - that different conversational styles and techniques exists and contributes to miscommunication. What I’m actually interested in, is what can I do to avoid miscommunication? While the book is informative and ladled with examples that makes me exclaim “yes! this is exactly what happened!”, it leaves me wondering “so...what could I have done to avoid this?” The book lacks strategies and tips on how to tackle misunderstandings that occur very often as a result of different conversational styles.
I found the following quote really helpful and perhaps is the TLDR version of the book: “The important thing is to know that what seem like bad intentions may really be good intentions expressed in a different conversational style.”
But the book confirms repeatedly what we already know - that different conversational styles and techniques exists and contributes to miscommunication. What I’m actually interested in, is what can I do to avoid miscommunication? While the book is informative and ladled with examples that makes me exclaim “yes! this is exactly what happened!”, it leaves me wondering “so...what could I have done to avoid this?” The book lacks strategies and tips on how to tackle misunderstandings that occur very often as a result of different conversational styles.
I found the following quote really helpful and perhaps is the TLDR version of the book: “The important thing is to know that what seem like bad intentions may really be good intentions expressed in a different conversational style.”
August 29, 2017
The version of this I saw was an Audible audio version that was actually abridged. While normally I really dislike that, in the end it turned out to be a good thing. Even in the abridged version the examples felt a bit forced or overdone at times, and as such the condensing of them to the central points and the focusing on recommendations and key points felt much more useful. Having encountered some of the author's work before most of what was in here wasn't new for me, and the examples felt more overdone than I remembered, but the content of the work is still interesting and deeply useful and, for any who haven't encountered it before, highly recommended. More so in this form as you get the central points without a lot of the overdone or unnecessary fluff.
January 13, 2019
Interesting, but didn’t necessarily answer the questions I was hoping it would. Many of the concepts Tannen explained seemed perfectly obvious when explained... hard to know if I actually already knew them or it’s just a consequence of well-explained material. There weren’t a lot of tips on how to help guide others toward a compatible conversational style-the tips that were there seemed to require me to change my behavior and be more generous to the people I talk to–not exactly something I’m looking to do with the parents atm. There should be a way to explain that the way they express themselves does not convey what they intend to any reasonable person. Maybe that means I’m missing the whole point entirely...
June 14, 2021
This is a relatively short book about people's differences in conversational styles and the importance in understanding those. What I think is the most important realization from this book is that "people don’t wait until they have something important to say in order to talk," and "how we say what we say communicates social meanings." In particular, an important mindset I learned is to recognize the "framing" of a conversation and to reframe the conversation when necessary, either directly or indirectly. Other than this, I think Professor Tannen's other lecture series is richer and more systematic in covering all of the topics here.
November 20, 2021
Read for grad school. Interesting concepts and a helpful guide to meta-communication, but for some reason, this book depressed me. I don’t know if Deborah Tannen is a pessimistic person or if her writing style just tends to veer toward negative conclusions, but it almost seemed like she was suggesting very little hope for repairing future misunderstandings, even when you’re aware of how different conversational styles might be at play. This negativity was especially noticeable during the chapters on intimacy and close relationships. I don’t want to speculate on the author’s personal life, but it did feel like some bitterness may have leaked through in her writing process. Important to know for my degree, but not a book I’ll want to pick up again anytime soon.
December 28, 2021
I heard an interview with Tannen and found myself curious. The book is older, and yet folk were still asking her abouf it. As a teacher, it would be good to see what my victims, er, students are hearing when I talk, and what they mean when they speak to each other and to me. Most of the time. So I bought the book.
I'm glad I did. What impacted me the most was the comment that knowing someone longer increases the amount of conflict. It does make sense. What does the song say? If you don't love me now... The idea that after x amount of time, you should be able to read my mind (which is another song). I'm moving on to Tannen's next book. It's also an old one. But I think I will find it right down the line. Yep, another song.
I'm glad I did. What impacted me the most was the comment that knowing someone longer increases the amount of conflict. It does make sense. What does the song say? If you don't love me now... The idea that after x amount of time, you should be able to read my mind (which is another song). I'm moving on to Tannen's next book. It's also an old one. But I think I will find it right down the line. Yep, another song.
November 18, 2019
I don't know if I only liked this book this much because it's the first time I've seen some of these concepts laid out to explain such common every day annoyances in my life. I mean, I'm not imagining things or crazy! And my wonderment at whether my character judgements of others based on their communication could possibly be correct, well, now I know for sure that they probably are not. These concepts would have been great to have learned sooner. Seems to me that this could be substituted for couples/family therapy in many instances. How many times have I wished I had a recording of a discussion that turned sour? I'm going to look for more to read on this subject.
March 24, 2020
Enjoyable refresher on cross cultural communication. A lot of anecdotal examples of the challenges of communication. Important concepts were metamessages (messages beyond the spoken word), frames of communication (context), complementary schismogensis (vicious cycles of disconnect), and the didactic challenge of achieving involvement and independence. The book was very relatable, and I especially enjoyed that it was written in before the Information Age, as some things have clearly changed (eg prevalence of phone conversations, some gender roles/norms) and unfortunately some things clearly haven't (eg the various pitfalls of cross cultural communication, some gender roles/norms).
February 7, 2024
The linguistic concepts are 5 stars. The narrative is more 3. This book explains critical linguistic concepts like conversational style that greatly impact how we perceive communication and conflict. I'm now convinced part of my problem at work is a conflicting conversational style.
The writing style is a bit more academic and dense, and can be difficult to process. I had to read it in short intervals. It was also written in the '80s. It would be great to get an update for better readability but also more tools for what to do when you might have conflicting styles. I'm not convinced there's nothing to do. Even the last chapter gave a few ideas
The writing style is a bit more academic and dense, and can be difficult to process. I had to read it in short intervals. It was also written in the '80s. It would be great to get an update for better readability but also more tools for what to do when you might have conflicting styles. I'm not convinced there's nothing to do. Even the last chapter gave a few ideas
March 2, 2024
I had to read this for a college class and didn’t care for it much. Tannen uses her failed marriage as the crux for the book. She didn’t go into depth for each topic, the chapters were short.
She claimed women and men communicate differently, mentioned cultural differences that business men faced, but did not tie the two together. Do women and men in different cultures face the same conversational differences? That would have been more exciting to read about.
There were no big studies she drew her conclusions from, but not link to a thesis paper that would have fleshed out the book as additional reading.
She claimed women and men communicate differently, mentioned cultural differences that business men faced, but did not tie the two together. Do women and men in different cultures face the same conversational differences? That would have been more exciting to read about.
There were no big studies she drew her conclusions from, but not link to a thesis paper that would have fleshed out the book as additional reading.
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