*some spoilers and mild trauma dumping ahead just a heads up*
"I just really need it to be a love story."
I knew what I was getting into when I st *some spoilers and mild trauma dumping ahead just a heads up*
"I just really need it to be a love story."
I knew what I was getting into when I started this book but it still wrecked me. This was so gut-wrenching if I wasn't so engrossed in the story, I would've taken days to finish it because I couldn't stomach it more than one chapter at a time.
This is the kind of book I'm not sure I want to read again but at the same time, it was so relatable, Van was so relatable that this has become so much more.
It looms over you, that threat of violence. They drill the danger into your head until it starts to feel inevitable. You grow up wondering when it’s finally going to happen.
Reading this book made me realise how malleable I was back when I was 15 and how worse it could've been. The age she was in when Strane came in her life- she was already so fragile and the thing is, people like him know this and he took advantage of that fact so much it was painfully obvious that wasn't the first time he did something like that.
God I hated him. When he died, I honestly was disappoined because he got off so easily for things he did.
There must be a point where you’re allowed to be defined by something other than what he did to you.
We don't understand, at least I didn't, that how much our teenage years define our life in the long haul. By the time we even realise that it's trauma that made us like that, it's already become such an integral part of our lives. Even the barest of things trigger and take you back to that time and yes, sometimes it's just momental anxiety or paranoia but sometimes it goes on for days and days, thoughts stacking up one on another until it all comes tumbling down.
That was more disturbing to me more than anything- this whole book is disturbing but the present chapters, where Van was constantly going through this battle within herself- where some part of her knew that what happened to her was wrong but she couldn't accept it, didn't want to, those were the chapters which impacted me the most.
There are so many things I want to say about this book, really I don't think I have annotated a book more than this. But, that would be too much and it would all still come down to the fact that this book holds a very special place in my heart, and no I'm not romanticising it and I know how Van handled her trauma was not healthy but it was more relatable than anything and honestly, it made me see things in a new light. You know how you don't understand where you're going wrong but then you see someone else going through the same and you realise, oh?
disclaimer: this review is very long and probably?? has?? some?? spoilers?? so proceed with caution pls xx
Life is so sad, he would think in those modisclaimer: this review is very long and probably?? has?? some?? spoilers?? so proceed with caution pls xx
Life is so sad, he would think in those moments. It's so sad, and yet we all do it. We all cling to it; we all search for something to give us solace.
Reading this book was one of the best and worst decisions I’ve ever made. And honestly, I wasn’t even going to write a review because, 1. most of the fam has already said all that was to be said. 2. I don’t think anything I say would do justice to what this book really means to me.
But here I am, still deciding to write one because it’s been two days since this book finished me and I still haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
“there’s not an expiration date on needing help, or needing people. You don’t get to a certain age and it stops.”
The way this book made me feel. And the fact that this is not just fictional. IT HAPPENS. ITS REAL. ITS RAW. ITS HEART-BREAKING. IT MAKES YOUR BRAIN GO NUMB AND YOUR HEART HURT IN THE WORST WAYS POSSIBLE AND YOU WANT IT TO STOP AND JUST THROW THE BOOK AWAY BUT CAN’T BECAUSE EVEN WHEN ITS SO AGONIZING, YOU CAN’T STOP READING IT.
He is so sick of his own fears, his own trepidations, but as tired as he is of them, he also cannot stop himself from indulging them.
I don’t think any character has hit me as hard as Jude did- except for Van from ’My Dark Vanessa’ maybe. And like I said in that review as well, it wasn’t what happened in the past that affected me as much as how the present years did. The way what happened haunted Jude at every point of his life. And I’m not undermining what Jude went through. He had the worst childhood and it honestly was too difficult for me to read at times. I don’t know how many times I asked myself these questions- Why? How? Why would someone do this? How can someone be so cruel? How can you even trust someone after that?
I don’t- I can’t blame Jude for being so skeptical of people even years after knowing them. Not that I didn’t want him to trust them. See that’s what I was talking about- the way this book doesn’t let you have a concrete opinion for anyone or anything (at least for me and I’m not talking about Luke and Dr. Traylor they can rot in hell for all I care which still sounds very tame). So many times I went “I get it I really get it BUT…”
I wish he could’ve talked to someone sooner. I wish the people around him had tried to talk to him sooner. I wish this didn’t end up the way it did.
But at the same time, I’m so so so proud of Jude St. Francis. I know he had the worst coping mechanisms and was too stubborn at times and I wish that wasn’t the case. But the way he didn’t let whatever happened to him stop him from getting what he wanted. I watched that man push through despite wanting to end it all so many times. I watched him grow up, meet new people, get a good job, do what he liked, get a family, fall in love, learn to trust people and yes, I wish life would’ve been more kind to him but I’ll forever be proud of Jude.
"And who are you?" "I'm Willem Ragnarsson. And I will never let you go.”
I admit I wasn’t a big fan of Willem at first, mainly because I couldn’t see past the fact that he knew what Jude was doing and still didn’t do anything about it. But again, I do understand his reasons as well and really, it’s not hard to fall for Willem Ragnarsson. He was the most caring and loyal person in all of their lives, especially Jude’s. His and Jude’s connection was one of the best things in this book. And yes, I was the one who bitched about him at first but if you are a Willem hater (which shouldn’t be possible really) please stay away from me.
what is a child for? Is he to give me comfort? Is he for me to give comfort to? And if a child can no longer be comforted, is it my job to give him permission to leave? And then you think again: But that is abominable. I can’t.
While I’m not a parent myself, it wasn’t hard to see and understand how much Harold loved Jude and how much it broke him to see Jude spiralling. The dilemma a parent goes through seeing their child like that. Because as much as you want to keep someone happy, at the end of the day, you can’t do anything unless they want to be happy. And I am not saying Jude didn’t want to be happy- who doesn’t? But that does not mean you can stop caring for them and doing everything you can to make them happy. And that’s what Harold did and I’m so happy for that. The way he never gave up on Jude he has my whole heart.
All the most terrifying Ifs involve people. All the good ones do as well.
I cannot forget Andy because really, Andy was the first person I actually liked in this book and the man never disappointed. Everybody needs a friend like Andy in their lives. Do I still think he could’ve done something too? Yes. But tbh I had that complaint from everyone from this book at some point. It’s so hard to say anything really (me saying that after writing the longest review I probably ever wrote) but yea, Andy was the best.
And I know there are some characters I didn’t talk about but that’s mostly because writing this much has already drained the life out of me. But I love JB, no matter how much of a brat he was for most of the book (still can’t forget him for that one thing tho). Malcolm was so relatable at times and I loved the way he cared for his friends and showed it with subtle acts of service.
And so I try to be kind to everything I see, and in everything I see, I see him.
Do I recommend this book? Yes, if you think your life isn’t depressing enough. OMG that was a lot for someone who said she wouldn’t write a review ajasdkk bye-
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i hate this book- rtc if when i stop talking about it without bawling my eyes out. __
this better wreck me just as yall promised (lila, lulu, and hanna- youre paying for my therapy after this ...more
"Because the problem with knowledge, Miss Rhodes, is its inexhaustible craving. The more of it you have, the less you feel you know."
ngl i always
"Because the problem with knowledge, Miss Rhodes, is its inexhaustible craving. The more of it you have, the less you feel you know."
ngl i always always knew i was gonna love this book whenever i'd read it bc 1. mother blake wrote it 2. i'm a slut for this genre
but i made the mistake of reading some 1 star reviews before starting this book and i was terrified bc i thought it's not gonna hit. i'm sorry mother for doubting u for even one second bc I WAS HOOKED SINCE PAGE 1 AND IT ONLY GOT BETTER AS IT WENT ON.
i get why ppl would find this boring bc the plot?? barely there. but idc bc i always like character driven books more. and this book fucking delivered.
"Men, conceptually, are canceled. Theoretically, men are a disaster. As a concept, I unequivocally reject them."
i don't know what to say about libby honestly. she annoyed me to no ends for the major part of the book. but also she was so so relatable at times ...more
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