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This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life
A manifesto on the gender politics of marriage (bad) and divorce (actually pretty good!) in America today, and an argument that the former needs a reboot
Studies show that nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women—women who are tired, fed up, exhausted, and unhappy. Journalist Lyz Lenz is one such woman whose life fell apart after she reached a breaking point in her twelve-year marriage. In this exuberant and unapologetic book, Lenz flips the script on that narrative and preaches the good gospel of the power of divorce.
The end of a marriage is often seen as the failure of the individual—most often the woman. We've all seen how media portray divorced women: sad, lonely, drowning their sorrows in a bottle of wine, desperate for a new man. It’s as though they did something wrong, so they’ve been cast out from society. Lenz sees divorce as a practical and powerful solution for women to take back the power they are owed, while examining why we call divorce a failure when it's heterosexual marriage that has been flawed all along. How can women succeed in marriage when most relationships are based on inequality?
This book weaves reportage with sociological research, literature with popular culture, and personal stories of coming together and breaking up to create a kaleidoscopic and poignant portrait of American marriage today. Lenz argues that the mechanisms of American power, justice, love, and gender equality remain deeply flawed, and that marriage, like any other cultural institution, is due for a reckoning. Unlike any other book about divorce, this raucous manifesto for acceptance, solidarity, and collective female refusal takes readers on a riveting ride—all while pointing us toward something a little freer.
Studies show that nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women—women who are tired, fed up, exhausted, and unhappy. Journalist Lyz Lenz is one such woman whose life fell apart after she reached a breaking point in her twelve-year marriage. In this exuberant and unapologetic book, Lenz flips the script on that narrative and preaches the good gospel of the power of divorce.
The end of a marriage is often seen as the failure of the individual—most often the woman. We've all seen how media portray divorced women: sad, lonely, drowning their sorrows in a bottle of wine, desperate for a new man. It’s as though they did something wrong, so they’ve been cast out from society. Lenz sees divorce as a practical and powerful solution for women to take back the power they are owed, while examining why we call divorce a failure when it's heterosexual marriage that has been flawed all along. How can women succeed in marriage when most relationships are based on inequality?
This book weaves reportage with sociological research, literature with popular culture, and personal stories of coming together and breaking up to create a kaleidoscopic and poignant portrait of American marriage today. Lenz argues that the mechanisms of American power, justice, love, and gender equality remain deeply flawed, and that marriage, like any other cultural institution, is due for a reckoning. Unlike any other book about divorce, this raucous manifesto for acceptance, solidarity, and collective female refusal takes readers on a riveting ride—all while pointing us toward something a little freer.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published February 20, 2024
About the author
Lyz Lenz
6 books271 followersLyz Lenz is a journalist and the author of God Land and Belabored. She has written for Insider, The New York Times, Marie Claire, and The Washington Post. Lenz also writes the newsletter Men Yell at Me, about the intersection of politics and personhood in red-state America. She lives in Iowa with her two kids.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 549 reviews
June 6, 2024
I really liked this book and so appreciate Lyz Lenz for writing honestly about her divorce and not putting up with men’s bs! I thought she did an overall effective job of integrating memoir (e.g., story of her own marriage and divorce) with social commentary and reporting related to heterosexual marriage and divorce more broadly. At the age of 29 I’m getting so inundated with social media posts about weddings, which I don’t care too much about because I don’t want to get married/disavow the whole wedding industrial complex, though it does strike me as ironic/problematic that people don’t nearly talk as often about divorces as much as weddings. Lenz blazes through any divorce stigma in this book and writes with candor about divorce’s benefits, despite the annoying parts of the divorce process, especially for women who aren’t getting what they want/need from marriage.
A few things that stood out to me in a positive way when I read this book: loved how Lenz takes a firm stand on the patriarchal nature of women taking men’s last names in marriage. So important to critique choice feminism. This section of the book reminded me of one of my favorite academic mentors and how her children (or at least one of them) took her last name instead of her husband’s last name. Iconic! I also liked how Lenz wrote about how men who identify as “liberal” or as “feminists” can still treat women horribly; I’ve noticed this within the gay male community too about men who identify with social justice causes yet are racist or femmephobic or perpetuate other forms of oppression. It’s easy to self-identify as someone who is in favor of equity or social progress, though you have to actually look at someone’s behavior, not just what they say. Finally, I’m glad she ended the book on the note of chosen community and prioritizing friendships and relationships outside of the heteronormative nuclear mold.
Reading this book was interesting because it paired kinda nicely with Splinters by Leslie Jamison which I read earlier this year, though the books are very different. I felt Jamison’s book emphasized the emotional grooves of her divorce but lacked more direct and necessary political commentary, whereas Lenz’s book does a way better job of discussing the sociopolitical underpinnings of marriage and divorce. I don’t think this book is perfect – some of its organization and structure felt a bit choppy and the writing didn’t always wow me. However, I definitely enjoyed it enough to give it four stars and hope it helps continue the conversation about finding happiness outside of romantic relationships with men.
A few things that stood out to me in a positive way when I read this book: loved how Lenz takes a firm stand on the patriarchal nature of women taking men’s last names in marriage. So important to critique choice feminism. This section of the book reminded me of one of my favorite academic mentors and how her children (or at least one of them) took her last name instead of her husband’s last name. Iconic! I also liked how Lenz wrote about how men who identify as “liberal” or as “feminists” can still treat women horribly; I’ve noticed this within the gay male community too about men who identify with social justice causes yet are racist or femmephobic or perpetuate other forms of oppression. It’s easy to self-identify as someone who is in favor of equity or social progress, though you have to actually look at someone’s behavior, not just what they say. Finally, I’m glad she ended the book on the note of chosen community and prioritizing friendships and relationships outside of the heteronormative nuclear mold.
Reading this book was interesting because it paired kinda nicely with Splinters by Leslie Jamison which I read earlier this year, though the books are very different. I felt Jamison’s book emphasized the emotional grooves of her divorce but lacked more direct and necessary political commentary, whereas Lenz’s book does a way better job of discussing the sociopolitical underpinnings of marriage and divorce. I don’t think this book is perfect – some of its organization and structure felt a bit choppy and the writing didn’t always wow me. However, I definitely enjoyed it enough to give it four stars and hope it helps continue the conversation about finding happiness outside of romantic relationships with men.
March 6, 2024
This had a lot of the same problems as Lenz's two previous books but now that we're on book #3 I'm frankly out of patience. This is similar to a lot of contemporary nonfiction these days in that it blends memoir with social commentary in an attempt to tie the author's own experience to a larger narrative but it fails badly due in part to the fact that Lenz isn't a strong enough writer to pull it all together and in part because she seems either unaware or unwilling to acknowledge her experience is not the typical 2020s heterosexual marriage. Lenz was the homeschooled daughter of evangelical conservatives and her marriage dynamics could have come straight from the 1950s (at one point she mentions packing her husband lunch's every day for years). As glad as I am Lenz is no longer living a life she clearly felt suffocated by, I was frustrated by how broad a brush she painted with. I wish she had followed a similar vein as other ex-evangelical women who have written heartbreaking and powerful memoirs in recent years detailing how badly the promises of Christian patriarchy fail women (Shannon Harris' 'The Woman They Wanted' is a recent example) because Lenz clearly has important things to say but her attempt to paint marriage as an overwhelming net negative with little room for nuance in chapter after chapter felt very one-note. None of her criticisms of heterosexual marriage feel particularly groundbreaking if you've had any prior engagement with feminist theory, and some of the data she uses to support her arguments feel cherrypicked.
I was also very thrown by this line in a Time Magazine essay Lenz wrote as part of her book promotion, which is not mentioned in the actual book: "I knew money would be tight when I left. I didn’t have access to our joint account and had to set up a secret account to save money for a lawyer." This is not just a description of an unhappy marriage, this is financial abuse. That word--abuse--is to my recollection never included in This American Ex-Wife . Maybe it should have been.
I was also very thrown by this line in a Time Magazine essay Lenz wrote as part of her book promotion, which is not mentioned in the actual book: "I knew money would be tight when I left. I didn’t have access to our joint account and had to set up a secret account to save money for a lawyer." This is not just a description of an unhappy marriage, this is financial abuse. That word--abuse--is to my recollection never included in This American Ex-Wife . Maybe it should have been.
March 24, 2024
I suspected this wasn't really going to be for me and it wasn't really. The form (memoir + social commentary in essays mostly based on a theme) is not my preference. Add to that I've been divorced for a decade. That's why the book is not For Me. Would I have gotten a lot out of it ten years ago? Probably! But now it's a book full of lessons I've already learned. Is it going to be meaningful for a lot of people? Sure. I'm just not one of them and that's fine.
Lenz did surprise me by how much she was willing to disclose about her husband. One of the reasons divorce is so hard to write about when you share children, is that you have an incentive not to bad mouth your ex. You often can't really be honest about how they acted and many divorce memoirs dance around this unsuccessfully. Lenz is happy to go for it and I'm glad someone is, because she's able to speak more plainly about many things. A lot of the things that no are not abuse but are still bad ways to treat anyone, let alone your partner. There are a few genuinely awful things he did that surprised me, although I have learned that most women who got divorced from a man have these stories and they are pretty much always this bad. She can do it because she is also willing to describe her own shortcomings and flaws, she gives more of hers than his. A necessary balance so it doesn't feel like taking potshots.
There are definitely limitations to this kind of work, which is one of the reasons I don't like the memoir + commentary approach. Lenz's experience is not going to be all that relevant or useful for many women and it limits the things she can talk about. I found it downright bizarre that there is a whole section around taking your husband's last name but no chapter around money and finance. The financial issues that come with divorce are one of the biggest disincentives women have to do it, and there's very little out there about how people really manage it from different walks of life. There is a lot about career but, imo, still not nearly enough. This is mostly a cultural critique, and while this is still a big and important part of the thing I was just really aware of what we didn't have. Especially since I have my own experience to draw from. So much I didn't see here. Outside the personal pieces, the commentary to me feels like distraction. I want to hear statistics to explain the scope of a problem and more anecdotes and stories can do well to flesh it out. But often this just gets stuck more in essay mode with nice quotes. I would love a bigger, more investigative work. But again, this is me asking this book to be a different book. Which isn't exactly a fair ask.
But much of it still rang true and was familiar. Maybe it is mostly gathering a lot of things you already know but I still think it's a worthwhile endeavor for the right reader.
Lenz did surprise me by how much she was willing to disclose about her husband. One of the reasons divorce is so hard to write about when you share children, is that you have an incentive not to bad mouth your ex. You often can't really be honest about how they acted and many divorce memoirs dance around this unsuccessfully. Lenz is happy to go for it and I'm glad someone is, because she's able to speak more plainly about many things. A lot of the things that no are not abuse but are still bad ways to treat anyone, let alone your partner. There are a few genuinely awful things he did that surprised me, although I have learned that most women who got divorced from a man have these stories and they are pretty much always this bad. She can do it because she is also willing to describe her own shortcomings and flaws, she gives more of hers than his. A necessary balance so it doesn't feel like taking potshots.
There are definitely limitations to this kind of work, which is one of the reasons I don't like the memoir + commentary approach. Lenz's experience is not going to be all that relevant or useful for many women and it limits the things she can talk about. I found it downright bizarre that there is a whole section around taking your husband's last name but no chapter around money and finance. The financial issues that come with divorce are one of the biggest disincentives women have to do it, and there's very little out there about how people really manage it from different walks of life. There is a lot about career but, imo, still not nearly enough. This is mostly a cultural critique, and while this is still a big and important part of the thing I was just really aware of what we didn't have. Especially since I have my own experience to draw from. So much I didn't see here. Outside the personal pieces, the commentary to me feels like distraction. I want to hear statistics to explain the scope of a problem and more anecdotes and stories can do well to flesh it out. But often this just gets stuck more in essay mode with nice quotes. I would love a bigger, more investigative work. But again, this is me asking this book to be a different book. Which isn't exactly a fair ask.
But much of it still rang true and was familiar. Maybe it is mostly gathering a lot of things you already know but I still think it's a worthwhile endeavor for the right reader.
March 5, 2024
Not good, but I couldn’t look away. I spent most of a day reading this just so I wouldn’t have to read it anymore, lol.
I’ll be honest, I knew going in that I wasn’t going to like this. In my defense, sometimes books surprise me! Not this one, though. It was exactly what I thought it would be—a bloated expansion of the many articles, tweets, and interviews Lenz has already produced about her divorce. Unfortunately, even at a spare 260 pages, this book is way too long and repetitive.
I think this book will probably be helpful for people who need someone to hype them up to leave their relationship, lol. This is not really literature or even memoir, it’s a cheerleading book. Lenz wants to tell you, in no uncertain terms, that you should get divorced. Nuance is not a concept she’s been introduced to (she does some ass-covering by mentioning queer relationships, but that’s about as far as it goes). If you want someone to tell you that your husband sucks and is keeping you locked in a patriarchal cage full of overflowing trash bags and sticky residue, this is the book for you.
To be clear, Lenz’s ex-husband sounds like an absolute POS. Her points about the sexist structures of marriage get no objection from me—I completely agree with her that it’s bizarre how many women take their husbands’ names, and of course women DO take on more housework and childcare than men. But…there’s more to marriage than just who does the housework and who makes the money. There’s love! Romance! Friendship and connection! Compassion and care! And Lenz acts like these aspects are just afterthoughts, or worse, tricks that women using to distract themselves from the rotten core of the institution. And you know, the core may well be rotten, but love is real, and acting like it’s some kind of smoke screen really misses a huge part of the picture. Lenz writes:
“Women tell me they think about leaving their husbands. Though they don’t help out, don’t do chores, don’t take care of the kids, their husbands are, nevertheless, good men. So they stay. I want to ask them: What does that mean, a good man? Why are they good? Or is it just your love that is making you see them that way?”
I get what she’s saying, but isn’t that kind of the whole thing? Isn’t every person transformed in the eyes of those they love into someone better than they truly are? And isn’t that kind of beautiful??
Anyway. It’s weird because she brings up a few straight male friends and (seemingly) happily married friends, mostly to mention how they supported her in her journey of self-discovery after her divorce. But she never digs into whether her male friends are good partners to their wives, or why some marriages stand the test of time. There’s a vignette about a former friend who stopped speaking to Lenz after marrying her third husband, and another about a male friend who is parenting his kids alone while his wife undergoes cancer treatment in another country. What’s going on in those relationships? What’s happening in those people’s minds? Lenz might say she’s trying to protect people’s privacy or avoid making assumptions, but to me it felt like she was purposefully skirting around anything that didn’t fit her narrative that heterosexual marriage = unhappiness. She has an agenda, and you better believe she’s sticking to it.
The book is at its best when Lenz does approach some semblance of nuance and self awareness. I enjoyed the passages about how she is not trying to be good or moral, just free. There was also a great moment where she identified with men trying to do standup comedy, realizing they all just want to be special, just like her. Most of the book is Lenz preaching annoyingly, but she has her moments.
Ultimately, though, Lenz is just not that great of a writer, and this book is only so-so. It’s a book that’s only interested in one point of view. That’s boring. That approach leads to padding out the word count with descriptions of the Chippendales website and a TikTok Lenz saw one time instead of actually digging deeper into the ideas Lenz claims to be interested in. Do yourself a favor—save some time by googling Lenz’s name and just reading one of her articles. I promise you’ll get the same info.
I’ll be honest, I knew going in that I wasn’t going to like this. In my defense, sometimes books surprise me! Not this one, though. It was exactly what I thought it would be—a bloated expansion of the many articles, tweets, and interviews Lenz has already produced about her divorce. Unfortunately, even at a spare 260 pages, this book is way too long and repetitive.
I think this book will probably be helpful for people who need someone to hype them up to leave their relationship, lol. This is not really literature or even memoir, it’s a cheerleading book. Lenz wants to tell you, in no uncertain terms, that you should get divorced. Nuance is not a concept she’s been introduced to (she does some ass-covering by mentioning queer relationships, but that’s about as far as it goes). If you want someone to tell you that your husband sucks and is keeping you locked in a patriarchal cage full of overflowing trash bags and sticky residue, this is the book for you.
To be clear, Lenz’s ex-husband sounds like an absolute POS. Her points about the sexist structures of marriage get no objection from me—I completely agree with her that it’s bizarre how many women take their husbands’ names, and of course women DO take on more housework and childcare than men. But…there’s more to marriage than just who does the housework and who makes the money. There’s love! Romance! Friendship and connection! Compassion and care! And Lenz acts like these aspects are just afterthoughts, or worse, tricks that women using to distract themselves from the rotten core of the institution. And you know, the core may well be rotten, but love is real, and acting like it’s some kind of smoke screen really misses a huge part of the picture. Lenz writes:
“Women tell me they think about leaving their husbands. Though they don’t help out, don’t do chores, don’t take care of the kids, their husbands are, nevertheless, good men. So they stay. I want to ask them: What does that mean, a good man? Why are they good? Or is it just your love that is making you see them that way?”
I get what she’s saying, but isn’t that kind of the whole thing? Isn’t every person transformed in the eyes of those they love into someone better than they truly are? And isn’t that kind of beautiful??
Anyway. It’s weird because she brings up a few straight male friends and (seemingly) happily married friends, mostly to mention how they supported her in her journey of self-discovery after her divorce. But she never digs into whether her male friends are good partners to their wives, or why some marriages stand the test of time. There’s a vignette about a former friend who stopped speaking to Lenz after marrying her third husband, and another about a male friend who is parenting his kids alone while his wife undergoes cancer treatment in another country. What’s going on in those relationships? What’s happening in those people’s minds? Lenz might say she’s trying to protect people’s privacy or avoid making assumptions, but to me it felt like she was purposefully skirting around anything that didn’t fit her narrative that heterosexual marriage = unhappiness. She has an agenda, and you better believe she’s sticking to it.
The book is at its best when Lenz does approach some semblance of nuance and self awareness. I enjoyed the passages about how she is not trying to be good or moral, just free. There was also a great moment where she identified with men trying to do standup comedy, realizing they all just want to be special, just like her. Most of the book is Lenz preaching annoyingly, but she has her moments.
Ultimately, though, Lenz is just not that great of a writer, and this book is only so-so. It’s a book that’s only interested in one point of view. That’s boring. That approach leads to padding out the word count with descriptions of the Chippendales website and a TikTok Lenz saw one time instead of actually digging deeper into the ideas Lenz claims to be interested in. Do yourself a favor—save some time by googling Lenz’s name and just reading one of her articles. I promise you’ll get the same info.
September 24, 2023
This was so much better than I anticipated! I loved how Lyz wove together her personal story with facts and details about women's roles in history. The details really worked to create an important book. I felt connected to the things she wrote about with her ex. I believed much of what she described. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. Five stars.
February 5, 2024
Even if you’ve never been married, This American Ex-Wife will make you want to be an ex-wife. Lyz Lenz’s memoir about ending her marriage to start (and save) her life is an enthralling read filled with so much heart and power. It’s for anyone who has ever questioned in the inequality in their marriage, their parents’ marriage, their friends’ marriages, or just wanted more out of their life.
While Lenz is specifically exploring the institution of heterosexual marriage in America, I think this book is relevant for queer people as well. Too often, we try to replicate heterosexual gender roles in our domestic relationships with disastrous results. And how could it be otherwise, when as Lenz makes the case, the institution we’re trying to emulate is rotten to the core.
Listeners of the This American Ex-Wife podcast will appreciate how several of the podcast guests are featured throughout the narrative. And non listeners will be glad to know they can turn to the podcast for more after they finish reading!
While Lenz is specifically exploring the institution of heterosexual marriage in America, I think this book is relevant for queer people as well. Too often, we try to replicate heterosexual gender roles in our domestic relationships with disastrous results. And how could it be otherwise, when as Lenz makes the case, the institution we’re trying to emulate is rotten to the core.
Listeners of the This American Ex-Wife podcast will appreciate how several of the podcast guests are featured throughout the narrative. And non listeners will be glad to know they can turn to the podcast for more after they finish reading!
February 17, 2024
This is such an important, necessary book that I hope awakens unhappily married women to all the world has to offer them. I love the broader message that we should put more emphasis on community and friendships over the narrow ideal of marriage and kids. The author had to end her marriage to achieve equality in that relationship, and I’ve heard from many other women that this is the only way they were able to come up for air. Divorce doesn’t seem easy in the least - it means financial ruin for many women - but there’s a freedom to it that in some cases seems worth the struggle. I love that the author dispels the idea that divorce is selfish and bad for kids. An unhappy home environment is far worse.
March 1, 2024
After a week, I’ve decided to rate it 4 stars. I have brought this book up at least five times in discussions with other women, and they have all been very good/interesting discussions.
It’s hard to rate this book, as it brings around such strong emotions. It definitely starts some much needed discussion surrounding our society’s reluctance to support needed safety nets for families. This week in particular, feels like women do need to burn it all down and demand more from all of society. Especially the men who say all of the right things to support women, but then in private are completely clueless if not outright purposely acting the opposite way. It’s maddening. We all have our own journeys and choices and we all have to reckon with them throughout our lives. I think it’s an important perspective at this moment in our history, but it will be heavy.
It’s hard to rate this book, as it brings around such strong emotions. It definitely starts some much needed discussion surrounding our society’s reluctance to support needed safety nets for families. This week in particular, feels like women do need to burn it all down and demand more from all of society. Especially the men who say all of the right things to support women, but then in private are completely clueless if not outright purposely acting the opposite way. It’s maddening. We all have our own journeys and choices and we all have to reckon with them throughout our lives. I think it’s an important perspective at this moment in our history, but it will be heavy.
January 25, 2024
This is one of those books that makes you want to highlight every page. I adored all of the research and Lenz's commentary. Her weaving of faith, feminism, community, motherhood, personhood, and society were genuinely fun and painful.
April 24, 2024
When Lenz is discussing her own marriage and divorce, it's great. But as soon as she starts to generalize or speak for her generation, it falls apart. She was raised a homeschooled, evangelical Christian-- more or less in a universe different from most American women (and this is not mentioned in book description). So of course her view of marriage and gender roles is completely skewed. She can blame her parents for how ill-equipped she was for the world and to navigate relationships with men. Her POVs felt accurate for her, but very dated as far as the struggles of most modern women. If this had focused more on her own experience, it would have been a better book.
February 29, 2024
I could not put this book down. It made me think, it made me so angry, it made me text passages to my group texts and it made me post to Instagram demanding that everyone read it, it made me sad, it made me want to tell my children never to get married, it made me want to be friends with the author, it made me feel so seen, and so oddly hopeful, and I’m just so relieved that this book exists in this world today to tell me that it’s not me after all.
February 27, 2024
I liked the experience of reading 3 stars worth, liked the existence of this book 5 stars worth.
Mostly, I think that I (in a partnership for love, married for taxes) wasn’t the audience but also it’s always fun to rally behind a woman leaving a real drip of a man.
Mostly, I think that I (in a partnership for love, married for taxes) wasn’t the audience but also it’s always fun to rally behind a woman leaving a real drip of a man.
March 30, 2024
There are things here that made me really think about marriage as an institution, made me angry at who benefits from it (men) and who doesn’t (women) while we are TOLD that we do. I don’t think all her examples are as universal as she thinks she does, and I think in places she was too bogged down in the granular parts of the history that distracted from her wider current-culture points. I wanted more on reforming marriage (it needs it) and less on anti-marriage. But she is a good writer and very smart and this made me think and I’m glad I read it.
May 3, 2024
DNF. Christian Evangelical discovers feminism in the 2010s. I'm not the target.
May 9, 2024
I wanted to love this memoir. I’m a big fan of the author – her voice and work are valuable. Iowa treated her terribly, as did her husband, and I applaud her success in building a new life, and in releasing this book that will further her career successes.
The strong and compelling aspects of the book are her first-person accounts of her marriage and its disintegration. Vivid storytelling — I enjoyed and admire those parts.
Unfortunately, roughly half the book is superficial sociology, an examination of marriage itself with cherry-picked statistics and quotes. After a point, I skimmed or skipped those sections. I have a women’s studies degree — I’ve read most of the source texts she plucks from.
This material may be helpful for some, but I found it thin and folksy. When she references women of color, it feels tokenizing. There’s a remark about the utopian community of her queer friends. Again, tokenizing – and off-base. Those are deep, complicated waters, and she has no idea what she’s talking about. Queer community isolates and ostracizes as many queers as it embraces.
The author frames her experience of marriage as universal. I don’t think she ever acknowledges that marriage could and does work for some.
Elements of her marriage were clearly abuse. She never says the word, as far as I can tell. Why?
The author discusses her origins as a good girl, and her rebellious pivot to something different. But now and then she drops a barb for women she clearly judges as not-good girls. There is a remark about Riot Grrrl… We are not that much older than her, and many women who were part of that world will read this book and feel the dig.
Which brings me to the narration. To narrate or not to narrate is a major question for an author. I see that she narrated one of her other books that I have not read, so this isn’t a first. I read three or four audiobooks a week. I prefer a professional, even for most memoirs. Regional accents are a glorious part of America — and I did not enjoy hearing the word marriage pronounced “märge” for five or six hours.
The author’s personality, her joy and anger and enthusiasm and fatigue, all come through in the narration. At times this is lovely, fosters connection with the author. And if I had read the paper book, I would not have heard her sneer the remark about Riot Grrrl. She does a lot of sneering, in fact, in the book as narrator. Which was her choice, and I’m less of a fan after listening to her read this book.
In the last hour of the narration, she has either lost her voice or come down with a cold. That section is fully unlistenable. I stopped 30 minutes before the end. I borrowed the book from the library — if I had bought it, I would have been angry.
The strong and compelling aspects of the book are her first-person accounts of her marriage and its disintegration. Vivid storytelling — I enjoyed and admire those parts.
Unfortunately, roughly half the book is superficial sociology, an examination of marriage itself with cherry-picked statistics and quotes. After a point, I skimmed or skipped those sections. I have a women’s studies degree — I’ve read most of the source texts she plucks from.
This material may be helpful for some, but I found it thin and folksy. When she references women of color, it feels tokenizing. There’s a remark about the utopian community of her queer friends. Again, tokenizing – and off-base. Those are deep, complicated waters, and she has no idea what she’s talking about. Queer community isolates and ostracizes as many queers as it embraces.
The author frames her experience of marriage as universal. I don’t think she ever acknowledges that marriage could and does work for some.
Elements of her marriage were clearly abuse. She never says the word, as far as I can tell. Why?
The author discusses her origins as a good girl, and her rebellious pivot to something different. But now and then she drops a barb for women she clearly judges as not-good girls. There is a remark about Riot Grrrl… We are not that much older than her, and many women who were part of that world will read this book and feel the dig.
Which brings me to the narration. To narrate or not to narrate is a major question for an author. I see that she narrated one of her other books that I have not read, so this isn’t a first. I read three or four audiobooks a week. I prefer a professional, even for most memoirs. Regional accents are a glorious part of America — and I did not enjoy hearing the word marriage pronounced “märge” for five or six hours.
The author’s personality, her joy and anger and enthusiasm and fatigue, all come through in the narration. At times this is lovely, fosters connection with the author. And if I had read the paper book, I would not have heard her sneer the remark about Riot Grrrl. She does a lot of sneering, in fact, in the book as narrator. Which was her choice, and I’m less of a fan after listening to her read this book.
In the last hour of the narration, she has either lost her voice or come down with a cold. That section is fully unlistenable. I stopped 30 minutes before the end. I borrowed the book from the library — if I had bought it, I would have been angry.
March 1, 2024
This book makes a good point. The only problem is, it repeats that same point. Over. And over. And over. And each time it does this it’s done in less clever ways. Women should be happy. Women should divorce their husbands. The End.
August 29, 2024
Lyz Lenz was raised in an Evangelical family, saved herself for marriage, got married at 22, got divorced twelve years later, and literally did burn her wedding dress afterwards as depicted on this memoir's cover. Though she went to grad school for writing and worked in the field during her marriage, she's been especially prolific in publishing full-length books since her divorce, including another prior memoir, 2019's God Land: A Story of Faith, Loss, and Renewal in Middle America.
In this memoir centered around her divorce, she tries with varying success to link her particular divorce story to the broader picture of divorce in modern American society and how marriage (particularly heterosexual marriage) still largely favors men. As other reviewers mention, the statistics and arguments she make aren't particularly novel, and to frequent readers of the genre, will sound quite familiar (see Traister's All the Single Ladies and Sales' Nothing Personal: My Secret Life in the Dating App Inferno and Bowler's The Preacher’s Wife: The Precarious Power of Evangelical Women Celebrities for a religious take). The statistics are even repetitive at times within the book. As other reviewers also mention, the financial aspects that often trap people (usually women) in marriages was hardly discussed; I felt like there could have been a real opportunity here to explore that given Lenz' religious upbringing and the social media rise of #tradwives (traditional wives) whose schtick is largely bragging about embodying traditional gender roles including complete financial dependence on their hubbies and are at risk for being traded in for newer, younger models.
That being said, it sounds like Lenz did herself a favor by leaving a marriage where her husband would literally and repeatedly confiscate and hide or dispose of things that brought Lenz joy because he didn't like them, among other issues. I appreciated her honesty in sharing these personal stories, though it's always tricky to do things like this when children who'll likely read the book someday are in the picture (this seemed tit-for-tat given how her husband allegedly turned the kids against her when announcing they were splitting).
Further reading (in addition to the books linked above):
The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife by Shannon Harris
The Divorce Colony: How Women Revolutionized Marriage and Found Freedom on the American Frontier by April White
My statistics:
Book 194 for 2024
Book 1797 cumulatively
In this memoir centered around her divorce, she tries with varying success to link her particular divorce story to the broader picture of divorce in modern American society and how marriage (particularly heterosexual marriage) still largely favors men. As other reviewers mention, the statistics and arguments she make aren't particularly novel, and to frequent readers of the genre, will sound quite familiar (see Traister's All the Single Ladies and Sales' Nothing Personal: My Secret Life in the Dating App Inferno and Bowler's The Preacher’s Wife: The Precarious Power of Evangelical Women Celebrities for a religious take). The statistics are even repetitive at times within the book. As other reviewers also mention, the financial aspects that often trap people (usually women) in marriages was hardly discussed; I felt like there could have been a real opportunity here to explore that given Lenz' religious upbringing and the social media rise of #tradwives (traditional wives) whose schtick is largely bragging about embodying traditional gender roles including complete financial dependence on their hubbies and are at risk for being traded in for newer, younger models.
That being said, it sounds like Lenz did herself a favor by leaving a marriage where her husband would literally and repeatedly confiscate and hide or dispose of things that brought Lenz joy because he didn't like them, among other issues. I appreciated her honesty in sharing these personal stories, though it's always tricky to do things like this when children who'll likely read the book someday are in the picture (this seemed tit-for-tat given how her husband allegedly turned the kids against her when announcing they were splitting).
Further reading (in addition to the books linked above):
The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife by Shannon Harris
The Divorce Colony: How Women Revolutionized Marriage and Found Freedom on the American Frontier by April White
My statistics:
Book 194 for 2024
Book 1797 cumulatively
September 8, 2024
I picked up this book because I used to read Lenz quite a bit on social media circa 2015-17. It is part memoir, part researched diatribe on how modern heterosexual marriage fails women.
My expectations for what I might get out of this book were out of whack. There is nothing groundbreaking here; the author spends pages telling us all about the “second shift” (old news) and how married women are subjugated to second class by definition. And how the government and society make marriage a trap for women.
I read another review that points out how Lenz mostly ignores that she grew up a product of conservative Christianity, which truly shaped her life and many of her choices. It struck me that she really doesn’t dive into that. That is a huge gap - it is so much part of her story. It’s hard for me to relate to some of her broad strokes knowing this.
Due to the title and description, I assume Lenz would write about what it means to be divorced and how her life looked after marriage and why she preferred it. Really, she uses the book to outline in great detail why her marriage was so terrible.
She touches on what it means to be “free” but glosses over it with broad strokes. She spends most of the ink about post divorce life discussing how much she likes sex, her various conquests, and more disappointments with men. She doesn’t talk about co-parenting or other related issues in any detail.
Like many non-fiction authors, she falls into the trap of redundancy. I tired of hearing the same points and details over and over again. Some of the most interesting parts of the book are when she recounts stories of other women in flux.
Like many books about women, the intended audience is actually men. I bought my dad once such book. It’s still sitting on his night stand.
Someone will get something out of this book. It just wasn’t me.
I listened to this book on audio. I eventually put it to 2.0 times just to get it over with.
My expectations for what I might get out of this book were out of whack. There is nothing groundbreaking here; the author spends pages telling us all about the “second shift” (old news) and how married women are subjugated to second class by definition. And how the government and society make marriage a trap for women.
I read another review that points out how Lenz mostly ignores that she grew up a product of conservative Christianity, which truly shaped her life and many of her choices. It struck me that she really doesn’t dive into that. That is a huge gap - it is so much part of her story. It’s hard for me to relate to some of her broad strokes knowing this.
Due to the title and description, I assume Lenz would write about what it means to be divorced and how her life looked after marriage and why she preferred it. Really, she uses the book to outline in great detail why her marriage was so terrible.
She touches on what it means to be “free” but glosses over it with broad strokes. She spends most of the ink about post divorce life discussing how much she likes sex, her various conquests, and more disappointments with men. She doesn’t talk about co-parenting or other related issues in any detail.
Like many non-fiction authors, she falls into the trap of redundancy. I tired of hearing the same points and details over and over again. Some of the most interesting parts of the book are when she recounts stories of other women in flux.
Like many books about women, the intended audience is actually men. I bought my dad once such book. It’s still sitting on his night stand.
Someone will get something out of this book. It just wasn’t me.
I listened to this book on audio. I eventually put it to 2.0 times just to get it over with.
March 3, 2024
incredible. sometimes memoir’s are tough: victimy, whiny, disempowering. this book could have been that, and yet, it wasn’t. it’s fierce and raw and honest - and so empowering. i am so so grateful it exists in the world.
August 14, 2023
"This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life" by Lyz Lenz is a bold and thought-provoking manifesto that challenges societal perceptions of marriage and divorce, particularly from a feminist perspective. Lyz Lenz, a journalist and proud divorcée, offers an unapologetic exploration of the gender dynamics at play within American marriages and divorces. The book aims to dismantle stereotypes and misconceptions surrounding divorce while advocating for women's empowerment and independence. Here's a detailed review of the book:
**Review:**
Lyz Lenz's "This American Ex-Wife" is a compelling and fervent exploration of marriage, divorce, and the power dynamics that often shape these relationships in American society. Lenz, drawing from her personal experience as a divorcée, employs a candid and fearless narrative style that demands readers' attention from the first page.
At the heart of the book is Lenz's assertion that divorce can be a powerful and necessary decision for women seeking autonomy, happiness, and fulfillment. By highlighting that a significant portion of divorces are initiated by women, Lenz effectively challenges preconceived notions that frame divorce as a failure or a reflection of the woman's shortcomings.
The author's examination of the media's portrayal of divorced women as pitiful and desperate for a new man is particularly thought-provoking. Lenz dismantles this narrative with passion, portraying divorce as an act of courage and self-preservation rather than an admission of defeat.
Lenz also confronts the inherent inequalities and flaws within traditional heterosexual marriages, arguing that the power dynamics and societal pressures often undermine women's well-being and sense of self. She questions the very foundations of modern marriage and advocates for a radical shift in how society perceives and supports women who choose to divorce.
Blending reportage, sociological research, personal anecdotes, and cultural commentary, "This American Ex-Wife" offers a rich and textured examination of the multifaceted issues surrounding marriage and divorce. Lenz's writing is both engaging and enlightening, inviting readers to consider their own beliefs and societal norms through a critical lens.
One of the book's greatest strengths is its ability to address complex themes without shying away from difficult conversations. Lenz's call for acceptance, solidarity, and collective female empowerment is unapologetically assertive, and her exploration of the flaws within American power structures and gender norms is incisive and eye-opening.
In conclusion, "This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life" by Lyz Lenz is a powerful manifesto that challenges prevailing norms and assumptions about marriage and divorce. Lenz's passionate narrative, informed by personal experiences and thorough research, invites readers to reconsider their perceptions of divorce and embrace a new narrative of female agency, empowerment, and independence. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking to gain insight into the complexities of modern relationships and the societal forces that shape them.
Overall, "This American Ex-Wife" is an essential addition to the discourse on marriage, divorce, and feminism, offering a raw and resonant voice that advocates for women's rights to autonomy, happiness, and self-discovery.
**Review:**
Lyz Lenz's "This American Ex-Wife" is a compelling and fervent exploration of marriage, divorce, and the power dynamics that often shape these relationships in American society. Lenz, drawing from her personal experience as a divorcée, employs a candid and fearless narrative style that demands readers' attention from the first page.
At the heart of the book is Lenz's assertion that divorce can be a powerful and necessary decision for women seeking autonomy, happiness, and fulfillment. By highlighting that a significant portion of divorces are initiated by women, Lenz effectively challenges preconceived notions that frame divorce as a failure or a reflection of the woman's shortcomings.
The author's examination of the media's portrayal of divorced women as pitiful and desperate for a new man is particularly thought-provoking. Lenz dismantles this narrative with passion, portraying divorce as an act of courage and self-preservation rather than an admission of defeat.
Lenz also confronts the inherent inequalities and flaws within traditional heterosexual marriages, arguing that the power dynamics and societal pressures often undermine women's well-being and sense of self. She questions the very foundations of modern marriage and advocates for a radical shift in how society perceives and supports women who choose to divorce.
Blending reportage, sociological research, personal anecdotes, and cultural commentary, "This American Ex-Wife" offers a rich and textured examination of the multifaceted issues surrounding marriage and divorce. Lenz's writing is both engaging and enlightening, inviting readers to consider their own beliefs and societal norms through a critical lens.
One of the book's greatest strengths is its ability to address complex themes without shying away from difficult conversations. Lenz's call for acceptance, solidarity, and collective female empowerment is unapologetically assertive, and her exploration of the flaws within American power structures and gender norms is incisive and eye-opening.
In conclusion, "This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life" by Lyz Lenz is a powerful manifesto that challenges prevailing norms and assumptions about marriage and divorce. Lenz's passionate narrative, informed by personal experiences and thorough research, invites readers to reconsider their perceptions of divorce and embrace a new narrative of female agency, empowerment, and independence. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking to gain insight into the complexities of modern relationships and the societal forces that shape them.
Overall, "This American Ex-Wife" is an essential addition to the discourse on marriage, divorce, and feminism, offering a raw and resonant voice that advocates for women's rights to autonomy, happiness, and self-discovery.
April 18, 2024
Brave and true! Not enough stars for how much I needed this book!
February 21, 2024
I don't read a lot of non-fiction, but I requested this one on NetGalley after a friend told me how excited they were for it. I read it in two days, and it's got some of that annoying diverging storytelling that journalism adores these days, as well as doing irritating white feminist things like forgetting intersectionality exists, but otherwise is a readable combination of memoir, studies, interviews, and reflections on the current state of (primarily white, middle class) marriage, divorce, gender roles, and feminism. Would combine this with Marriage: A History for discussion.
June 17, 2024
“Do you want to know how I finally got my husband to do his fair share? Court-ordered fifty-fifty custody, that’s how.”
I really enjoyed this read and found that the statistics sprinkled throughout (whatever studies are relevant to that chapter-- from comedy to unequitable divisions in housework and wages) helped to spark a lot of conversation with my spouse and made me aware of facts I would never believe are true in 2024, eg: South Carolina still criminalizes marital rape and non-marital rape differently. Like wtf.
A lot of people say they stay in their marriages "for the children" but I think that my mom leaving my abusive father was one of the best role model things she could have ever done. It's shaped my life and my self-worth. I think a lot of women would benefit from reading this (for validation, for a stronger reason to choose their health and happiness and finally leave). But I really really really want men to read it-- the ones who want to be good partners/spouses, who may not be aware of the inequality in their upbringings and the additional burdens their partner is likely shouldering without their knowledge, and can improve their relationships and stop contributing to these shocking statistics.
"I didn't wanna waste my one precious life telling a grown man where to find the ketchup in the fridge."
There's a wide range of human experiences. Despite similar upbringings and expectations, I saw little of my own relationship reflected in these pages. Though I've had plenty of friends, peers, and r/AITA posters with similar stories so I don't doubt the veracity (though I sometimes suspect that it's being played up a little either in her memory or intentional embellishment for the book).
Audiobook Notes:
It's narrated by the author and she does a great job. Though I think she started to lose her voice in the last hour.
April 9, 2024
Preaching to the choir.
February 27, 2024
Decent book but the tone is a bit too folksy for me and the insights a bit too simple (compared to Nora Ephron's "Heartburn," which is more "my language" -- not like I talk like either of them!).
On the one hand I appreciated some of the general facts and statistics Lenz wove into her personal story of marriage and divorce. And I'm in general agreement about the institution of marriage. And I can also relate. But overall I do crave more incisiveness in my non-fiction. The memoirs "They Told Us We Were Exceptional," "Educated," and "Know My Name" were all far more soul searching, insightful, and profound. (Different subject matter)
On the one hand I appreciated some of the general facts and statistics Lenz wove into her personal story of marriage and divorce. And I'm in general agreement about the institution of marriage. And I can also relate. But overall I do crave more incisiveness in my non-fiction. The memoirs "They Told Us We Were Exceptional," "Educated," and "Know My Name" were all far more soul searching, insightful, and profound. (Different subject matter)
January 30, 2024
I have long been a fan of Lyz Lenz's writing. She is smart, thoughtful, and really funny. Often when I am reading her, I find myself so jealous of the way she says things that I have felt but have not found a way to articulate. She seamlessly blends reporting of facts and history with personal storytelling. She really is my kind of writer.
This book is one I'll be thinking of for a long time, and buying as gifts for many men and women. So many of us have bought into the idea of marriage as a ROMANCE and as an institution, but is it really all a scam? Lyz looks at marriage, hers as well as the idea of marriage itself, unflinchingly. She movingly tells the story of the end of her marriage to a man who did not make her happy, and eventually became an enemy to her. She also tells stories of people in marriages because they want to stay "for the kids," or because they think being miserable is the norm.
Here's one of my favorite quotations from the book that really showcases what a engaging writer Lyz is: "But even if we go with the low 40 percent number for the likelihood that a marriage will fail, if 40 percent of Honda CR-Vs had engine failures, Honda would issue a recall." AMEN.
This book advocates for personal autonomy and happiness and sexual fulfillment. Anyone who doesn't appreciate those things or want those things for those they love will not enjoy this book, and frankly, I don't care of they read my review. For everyone else, I highly recommend this book.
Thank you NetGalley for the digital ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
This book is one I'll be thinking of for a long time, and buying as gifts for many men and women. So many of us have bought into the idea of marriage as a ROMANCE and as an institution, but is it really all a scam? Lyz looks at marriage, hers as well as the idea of marriage itself, unflinchingly. She movingly tells the story of the end of her marriage to a man who did not make her happy, and eventually became an enemy to her. She also tells stories of people in marriages because they want to stay "for the kids," or because they think being miserable is the norm.
Here's one of my favorite quotations from the book that really showcases what a engaging writer Lyz is: "But even if we go with the low 40 percent number for the likelihood that a marriage will fail, if 40 percent of Honda CR-Vs had engine failures, Honda would issue a recall." AMEN.
This book advocates for personal autonomy and happiness and sexual fulfillment. Anyone who doesn't appreciate those things or want those things for those they love will not enjoy this book, and frankly, I don't care of they read my review. For everyone else, I highly recommend this book.
Thank you NetGalley for the digital ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
April 7, 2024
If only I could travel back in time and gift this to my younger self 🌙✨🌙
August 17, 2024
DNF. I’m sorry, but Lyz Lenz’s marriage did not end because the Romans kidnapped the Sabine women, or because Abraham lay with Hagar, or because the US legalized no fault divorce in 1970. It failed because she grew up in conservative purity culture and married a controlling man right out of college. Successful pairings happen, whether those relationships are legal marriages or longtime partnerships. Delay marriage, protect yourself with an education and financial security, vote to make birth control freely available and don’t have kids with someone who won’t clean up after pets.
It’s not every day I’m grateful to have grown up in rural Oklahoma in the 80s and never saw a marriage through a Pinterest bubble, but here we are.
It’s not every day I’m grateful to have grown up in rural Oklahoma in the 80s and never saw a marriage through a Pinterest bubble, but here we are.
May 9, 2024
This book really is a revolution. Smashing the premise that divorce is a necessary evil that we should avoid if we can, Lenz posits that marriage is actually pretty bad for women, and leaving an unhappy one is the best choice. She makes a personal case for that, laying out the details of her own divorce, but then uses data and social research to back up her claims. It was vital and uncomfortable for me to confront my conditioning around marriage and divorce. The only area I thought she could have dug in more was on the very real effects of divorce on children. But overall I know many women who need this book, or at the very least need to engage with its revolutionary ideas.
March 23, 2024
Agreed with lots of 2 star reviews. Agreed with lots of 5 star reviews. It’s not intersectional but it’s also the view of one woman and yeah her marriage sounded terrible. There’s some good data in it. Interesting perspective on patriarchy in heteronormative marriages. Like most memoirs, will resonate with some folks and not others. Fast read.
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