More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
I sat down next to her. She’d sat in the middle so no matter which side I took I was going to be just slightly inside her personal space. My heart completely lost its shit.
I didn’t mind staying behind with her one bit. I was glad I was asked. I hadn’t been ready for the date to end three hours ago and something told me I wouldn’t be ready for it to end later either.
“The truth isn’t supposed to be pretty, right? It’s the truth.”
“I’m thinking that I like you a lot more than I thought I would. I’m thinking that I probably smell because it’s hot and all my deodorant washed off in the pool, and that this place would be the perfect place to kiss you like I’m supposed to, but I wouldn’t because of the deodorant thing. I’m thinking that this whole thing with your mom and Neil feels weird and I can’t put my finger on why. I’m thinking that I don’t like her because she’s ignoring you for some guy she just met, and I feel bad that I don’t like her because I know you do. And then I’m wondering if I’m too hard on people, because
...more
“You like the way I smell?” I grinned. “I do. Also, I’m sorry you have to kiss me. It sounds like a tough job,” she said, putting out her bottom lip. “But you might want to.” She was flirting? I beamed. “I might not want to,” I said. “I might not want to.” “Oh, you will.” She twisted her lips. “Hmmmmm. Well, I do love a man with confidence.”
She laughed. It was a loose, tinkling sound and I loved that I got it from her.
I grinned. “Boyfriend?” “You know what I mean.” She gave my knee a little push. “No, I’ll be your boyfriend. Sign me up. I mean, we’re not supposed to be dating anyone else, so we are technically exclusive. It’s not far off,” I said.
“Isn’t this whole thing so weird? What we’re doing?” she asked. “I don’t really care if it’s weird. I’m just glad it’s happening. And not because I want to break a curse either.”
“You don’t want to live somewhere? Like, find a forever home where you can plant things in the earth?” She looked back at her mom’s luggage. “Maybe one day. But so far I haven’t found a home I’d want to stay at forever.” “Maybe home isn’t a place. Maybe it’s a person.”
The real world doesn’t like to wait.
“Did you really threaten to kill him?” “It wasn’t a threat. It was a promise.”
“There’s a chance you might actually like this guy enough for him to hurt you, and I need him to know there will be repercussions if he does.”
It was Justin. “Oh my God…” “What?” Maddy said. “What is it?” “Justin sent me an exit interview.” “He didn’t.” I scanned it, laughing. Then I read it out loud.
My goal had officially shifted. This was not a woman I wanted to end things with after four dates. I was already thinking of ways I could make our dates more special, things I could bring her or places I could take her.
If you can choose anger or empathy, always choose empathy. I couldn’t. At this point anger was all I had.
I drew in a long breath through my nose. “You know this isn’t going to count as one of our dates, right?” “I zero percent care about that.”
It was impossible not to feel better when I saw him as I got out of the car.
It was the kind of hair you wanted to run your fingers through. The kind that came with lazy Sunday mornings and familiarity.
The dog was sitting by his feet now too and I remembered what Maddy said about dogs, that they always tell you who the good people are.
The meal was the kind of thrown-together one Mom used to make. It was comfort food. It was exactly what I needed. “Thanks,” I said. “So are you still worried about the Amber thing?” He handed me a Starbucks napkin and a glass of V8 fruit punch and then sat with his own food.
I gave him a look. “It’s not personal. I just don’t do that.” He swallowed. “No, I get it. I get the full Amber/Neil/Maddy death-threat submersion experience and you just get to vibe.” I snorted. “I’m sorry. Am I the a-hole?” He smiled. “Nah. You’re all right.”
When I finished the spaghetti, I asked for seconds and he got up and served me more.
He shook his head. “I don’t think you’re a horrible person. I think you went through something horrible and that’s who you needed to become to get through it.”
I gave him a little smile. “You know, I was almost too small to come here tonight.” “I’m glad you did.” The corner of my lip turned up. “I’m glad I did too.”
Emma smiled at me from the other end of the couch. “You’re like a docking station for small vulnerable dependents.”
“It was so out of character for her, I don’t get it.” “Be glad you don’t get it. It means your life has been a lot gentler than hers.”
“Unhealed trauma is a crack. And all the little hard things that trickle into it that would have rolled off someone else, settle. Then when life gets cold, that crack gets bigger, longer, deeper. It makes new breaks. You don’t know how broken she was or what she was trying to do to fill those cracks. Being broken is not an excuse for bad behavior, you still have to make good choices and do the right thing. But it can be the reason. And sometimes understanding the reason can be what helps you heal.”
“So how do you reconcile that?” I asked. “How do you learn to forgive her?” She shrugged. “You don’t have to forgive her. You really don’t. You can still love someone that you’ve decided not to speak to anymore. You can still wish them well and hope for the best for them. Choosing a life without them doesn’t mean you stop caring about them. It just means that you can’t allow them to harm you anymore. But if you don’t think your life would be better without them in it, then accept that they have cracks. Try to understand how they got them and help fill them with something that isn’t ice.” She
...more
But maybe she did fall apart. Maybe she just didn’t let us see it. Maybe that was her way of protecting us from more cracks.
I studied the woman sitting next to me. Imagine someone who went through what she did, turning out the way she had. Able to give grace to someone who’d let her down so badly. Emma was a better person than I was. And my life had been gentler than hers too.
But I was not ready to end the night, by any stretch. Something told me I wouldn’t be ready for her contract to end either.
“What are you thinking right now?” he asked. “I’m thinking that you’re supposed to kiss me,” I said. “What are you thinking?” “I’m thinking I’m supposed to kiss you.” “Do you think it still counts if you kiss me on a date that’s not one of the dates?” I asked. “I don’t care if it counts.”
“Uh, I promise you I can outmaneuver a zombie, Justin.” “Well, if you can’t, I promise to run slower than you.”
It was weird how normal today felt against the tectonic shift that would take place twenty-four hours from now.
But the opportunities to come in and say hi to Mom were running out, and I didn’t want to waste one.
“I swear to God this guy is the epitome of If He Wanted To He Would.”
I smiled at it. “Awww. But this needs to be planted.” “Then plant it,” he said, grinning. “What’s wrong with putting down roots?” “Absolutely nothing,” Maddy said from behind me.
“Where you gonna plant that?” she asked. “I don’t know.” I’d be leaving it behind. So somewhere it could thrive without me.
“What are you thinking?” she asked. I breathed out deeply. “I’m thinking that I wish you knew my mom.”
I paused. “What if I mess them up?” I asked quietly. She smiled at me gently. “What if you save them?”
“Emma, you want to hold one?” Mom asked. She gasped. “Yes!” A hand emerged from the back seat with a tiny chittering raccoon in it wrapped in a bar towel. “This is George Cooney.”
Leigh leaned over the seat. “Now, you just tuck that little trash panda into your cleavage. Quiets him right down.”
“Are we even sure this is safe?” I asked, glancing at the lump under her shirt. “If they’re not safe, why are they cute, Justin?” Emma said. “It’s the forbidden puppy,” Mom said. All three women started laughing.
And even though it was the last night Mom would be here and it was awful and sad, it was also sort of all right.
But I wanted Justin to think about me and talk about me. I liked that he planned things for me. That he spent so much time making his surveys and invites and picking out the perfect places to take me.
I knew she liked me. She was genuinely attracted to me, I could feel it. But this was still the game for her. It wasn’t a game for me. Not anymore. I’d hoped before that she’d renew her contract, but now I wanted more. I wanted an actual chance. And to have that, she’d have to meet me where I was. Here, in Minnesota. She had to stay.
But maybe it would be enough. It had to be.
So I couldn’t kiss her. But God, I fucking wanted to.
“Justin, I’m so sorry.” I had to muscle down the knot in my throat. “I know.” Her chin quivered. “Please take good care of them.” I brought her in and hugged her. “I will. I’ll take good care of them.” I paused. “You showed me how.” This broke her. She sobbed and I just held her, feeling helpless.
There was no way I could ever be worth it.
