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May 5 - July 22, 2024
Inventing a life with healthy relationships is an ongoing practice, but it gets more comfortable with time and practice.
In the past, I carried around a lot of resentment, hoping that others would guess my mood and wishes. Through trial and error, I’ve learned that people will not guess my needs. They went about their day while I suffered in silence.
True this is the cold hard truth alias we need to COMMUNICATE
It took me years to not feel as guilty setting limits with others, because I didn’t know that guilt was normal when you’re doing something that you believe to be mean.
It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At that moment, I was proud of my boundaries and how far I’ve come in my ability to honor them.
Through trial and error, I’ve learned, “If you don’t like something, do something about it.” I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.
Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.
People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.
Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.
Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.
The root of self-care is setting boundaries. Self-care is more than taking a spa day, and it isn’t selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.
But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship.
Noh tamparan keras buat gw
Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.
ANJIR MAKIN KETAMPAR DI PARAGRAF BERIKUTNYAAAAAAA
Thoughts of fleeing—“I wish I could drop everything and run away”—are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking avoidance as the ultimate answer. But creating boundaries is the only real-life solution.
ITULOH BACA @gw
Creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, calm, and respected. They are an indication of how you allow people to show up for you and how you show up for others.
A boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you.
As you set your own limits, it’s important to remain aware of the boundaries people are trying to communicate to you as well.
Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.
Boundaries are essential at all ages. They change in relationships, just as the people in relationships change.
Whereas porous boundaries lead to unhealthy closeness (enmeshment), rigid ones are a self-protective mechanism meant to build distance.
This typically comes from a fear of vulnerability or a history of being taken advantage of.
HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
If a person with rigid boundaries says, “I never loan money to people,” they never stray from that, even if a friend who isn’t the type to borrow money is in a crisis.
Omg this is so me??
Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.
Verbally communicating your needs is step one. People cannot accurately assume your boundaries based on your body language or unspoken expectations.
But boundaries should be respected. When people ignore our requests, resentment builds. Over time, this erodes respect in the relationship.
Being honest and up front (from the beginning, if possible) about what you expect and what you can offer will save you and your partner lots of heartache and arguments.
Her daughters’ father provided only financial support and didn’t help much with the kids.
Lmao isnt this my dad
Erica started managing burnout by letting go of the need to be a rock star and instead asking for help when she needed it.
Burnout happens when people become emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted.
Burnout is caused by Not knowing when to say no Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do
So there's a thing called superhero syndrome???
Sometimes we do things that aren’t important to us but that we believe maintain a particular image of “good parent” or “person who has it all together.”
No one can do it all. Believing we can leads to burnout.
What a relity check
Mental health issues are not the cause of an inability to say no, be assertive, and advocate for ourselves. But this inability can certainly be exacerbated by mental health problems.
First, let’s take a closer look at anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.
the biggest trigger for anxiety is the inability to say no. So
Unrealistic expectations of yourself and others can also trigger anxiety. Sometimes, expectations arise as a result of comparing yourself with others, or your expectations may come from family or cultural norms or your friends.
Even though the worst case is the least likely outcome, when you’re anxious, it’s exactly what you work hard to avoid. But the true worst-case scenario is avoiding boundaries.
When I treat depression, I’m treating hopelessness. My work with depressed clients involves empowering them to believe in themselves.
If you add too much to your to-do list but lack the motivation, you’ll set yourself up for failure. Depression will increase if you take on too much without finishing any of the tasks you started.
Communicating our boundaries isn’t easy, but without it, we set ourselves up for long-term suffering. We simply can’t have a healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us. If we aren’t proactive about this in our relationships, we can be sure the other person will set their boundaries. That forces us to operate by their rules and their rules only.
Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.
Relationships that have the potential to be healthy often become unhealthy because of either rigid or porous boundaries.
But healthy relationships are between two people who are mutually supportive of each other. (The only occasion when one-sided relationships are appropriate is in the parent-child dynamic.)
relationships without boundaries are dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage. They operate mostly based on the assumption that something “magical” will happen to turn it all around. But hoping that our relationships will repair themselves out of nowhere is a long shot at best.
Without boundaries, relationships usually end, or we become fed up from being mistreated. Sometimes we allow mistreatment for so long that we can’t take it anymore. Then, since we never clearly communicated our unhappiness, the other person is shocked to find out how much we suffered.
In your relationships, are people clear about how you desire to be treated? How are you treating yourself?
Others learn a lot about you from watching how you treat yourself. People can sense your lack of self-esteem or neediness based on how you talk to yourself, talk about yourself, and treat yourself behaviorally. Be kind to yourself, because the people in your life are watching.
So if you learn to pay attention to your body, it will tell you when it’s time to set boundaries—in the sigh before you answer your phone, the desire to avoid certain people, or your hesitance to say yes.
Because resentment is often an uncomfortable emotion to admit and express, many people deny feeling it. So they often express it in a passive-aggressive way.
Anger is a feeling of hostility or annoyance, and it can be expressed inwardly or outwardly. When expressed inwardly, people with unhealthy boundaries engage in negative self-talk, self-sabotage, self-blaming, or low self-esteem.
