If I'm earning an MFA in Creative Writing from YouTube University (as well as streaming platforms like MasterClass), then Malcolm Gladwell is one of mIf I'm earning an MFA in Creative Writing from YouTube University (as well as streaming platforms like MasterClass), then Malcolm Gladwell is one of my professors. The New Yorker staff writer never ceases to teach me something mind-blowing about storytelling. Published in 2019, Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don't Know is the first of Gladwell's non-fiction books that I've read. It focuses on the interactions and assumptions we make when dealing with strangers.
Gladwell closes the book with an examination of the events that led to the suicide of Sandra Bland in 2015, three days after being arrested in Prairie View, Texas for a traffic violation. He also delves into the blunders and miscues that led to Adolph Hitler, Cuban spy Ana Montes, Ponzi scheme scammer Bernie Madoff, gymnastics coach Larry Nassar and football coach Jerry Sandusky winning trust while committing historically terrible acts of abuse or subterfuge despite sounding all sorts of warning bells.
-- Winston Churchill, for example, never believed for a moment that Hitler was anything more than a duplicitous thug. Churchill called Chamberlain's visit "the stupidest thing that has ever been done." But Hitler was someone he'd only ever read about. Duff Cooper, one of Chamberlain's cabinet ministers, was equally clear-eyed. He listened with horror to Chamberlain's account of his meeting with Hitler. Later, he would resign from Chamberlain's government in protest. Did Cooper know Hitler? No. The people who were right about Hitler were those who knew the least about him personally. The people who were wrong about Hitler were the ones who had talked with him for hours.
-- A few years ago, a team of psychologists led by Emily Pronin gave a group of people the same exercise. Pronin had them fill in the blank spaces. Then she asked them the same question: What do you think your choices say about you? For instance, if you completed TOU_ _ as TOUCH, does that suggest that you are a different kind of person than if you completed it as TOUGH? The respondents took the same position I did. They're just words.
But then things got interesting. Pronin gave the group other people's words. These were perfect strangers. She asked the same question. What do you think this stranger's choices reveal? And this time Pronin's panel completely changed their minds.
"He doesn't seem to read too much, since the natural (to me) completion of B_ _K would be BOOK. BEAK seems rather random, and might indicate deliberate unfocus of mind."
Keep in mind that these are the exact same people who just moments before had denied that the exercise had any meaning at all.
The same person who said, "These word completions don't seem to reveal much about me at all" turned around and said, of a perfect stranger:
"I think this girl is on her period....I also think that she either feels she or someone else is in a dishonest sexual relationship, according to the words WHORE, SLOT (similar to SLUT), CHEAT."
The answers go on and on like this. And no one seemed even remotely aware that they had been trapped in a contradiction.
-- Ana Montes wasn't a master spy. She didn't need to be. In a world were our lie detector is set to the "off" position, a spy is always going to have an easy time of it. And was Scott Carmichael somehow negligent? Not at all. He did what Truth Default Theory would predict any of us would do: he operated from the assumption that Ana Montes was telling the truth, and--almost without realizing it--worked to square everything she said with that assumption. We need a trigger to snap out of the default to truth, but the threshold for triggers is high. Carmichael was nowhere near that point.
In the movies, the brilliant detective confronts the subject and catches him, right then and there, in a lie. But in real life, accumulating the amount of evidence necessary to overwhelm our doubts takes time. You ask your husband if he is having an affair, and he says no, and you believe him. Your default is that he is telling the truth. And whatever little inconsistencies you spot in his story, you explain away. But three months later you happen to notice an unusual hotel charge on his credit card bill, and the combination of that and the weeks of unexplained absences and mysterious phone calls pushes you over the top. That's how lies are detected.
-- To Encinia's mind, Bland's demeanor fits the profile of a potentially dangerous criminal. She's agitated, jumpy, irritable, confrontational, volatile. He thinks she's hiding something.
This is dangerously flawed thinking at the best of times. Human beings are not transparent. But when is this kind of thinking most dangerous? When the people we observe are mismatched; when they do not behave the way we expect them to behave. Amanda Knox was mismatched. At the crime scene, as she put on her protective booties, she swiveled her hips and said, "Ta-dah." Bernie Madoff was mismatched. He was a sociopath dressed up as a mensch.
What is Sandra Bland? She is also mismatched. She looks to Encinia's eye like a criminal. But she's not. She's just upset. In the aftermath of her death, it was revealed that she had ten previous encounters with police over the course of her adult life, including five traffic stops, which had left her with almost $8,000 in outstanding fines. She had tried to commit suicide the year before, after the loss of a baby. She had numerous cut marks running up and down her arms.
So here's a troubled person with a history of medical and psychiatric issues, trying to pull her life together. She's moved to a new town. She's starting a new life. And just when she arrives to begin this new chapter in her life, she's pulled over by a police officer--repeating a scenario that has left her deeply in debt. And for what? For failing to signal a lane change when a police car is driving up rapidly behind her. All of a sudden her fragile new beginning is cast into doubt. In the three days she spent in jail before taking her own life, Sandra Bland was distraught, weeping constantly, making phone call after phone call. She was in crisis.
But Encinia, with all the false confidence that believing in transparency gives us, reads her emotionality and volatility as something sinister.
Talking to Strangers is not about how to spot a liar or predator. Gladwell cites that judges, police detectives and federal agents are able to detect a lie no better than 50% of the time, a coin flip. Gladwell's thesis is that society can only function when we trust in each other, as opposed to assuming deceit is lurking around every corner. In instances where that trust is violated, those who made nothing of the signs were being human. Gladwell's storytelling is second-to-none. I'm not an audiobook consumer but this would be an excellent one, following the structure of Gladwell's podcast Revisionist History and including the original audio files in the Bland incident....more
My introduction to Tricia Hersey is Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto. Published in 2022, this came to my attention via Carmen with her excellent recentMy introduction to Tricia Hersey is Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto. Published in 2022, this came to my attention via Carmen with her excellent recent review. I'd been watching YouTube videos in which women chronicle their experiences living in their cars and without referring to Hersey or the Nap Ministry, one of the Black "car lifers" presented Hersey's thesis: rest is a form of resistance against the machine-level pace of our culture and a key to surviving poverty, exhaustion, white supremacy and capitalism with our body and mind intact.
-- When I started resting to save my life and connect with my Ancestors, I was a poor, Black, queer woman in graduate school on student loans with thousands of dollars in debt. I had been unemployed and underemployed since I was a full-time student worker in an archive library on campus barely making $12 an hour for a few hours weekly. I was also working for free as part of an internship for my studies while taking a full load of classes and caring for a six-year-old child. I am and was a first-generation adult graduate student with a child and a husband who was working fifty-plus hours a week to pay our rent while I studied. Once I finished my program, I couldn't find work in my field even after going on countless interviews. I remember sitting on my side of my bed crying because I had negative $25 in my bank account, no car and no savings. This is not a movement created by a person speaking about rest from some sort of position of privilege outside of being traumatized from capitalism and white supremacy. I'm telling you it's possible because I am the poster child and witness. Rest saved my life.
-- I watched my father get up every morning at four a.m. He would drag himself out of bed to sit at the kitchen table to read three newspapers, study his Bible and pray silently. He would do this for almost two hours before he needed to leave for work at six. I remember asking, "Why do you get up so early when you don't have to be at work until later?" He replied, "I want to have a few moments in the day that belong to just me before I clock in."
-- Resting can look like:
1. Closing your eyes for ten minutes. 2. A longer shower in silence. 3. Meditating on the couch for twenty minutes. 4. Daydreaming by staring out of a window. 5. Sipping warm tea before bed in the dark. 6. Slow dancing with yourself to slow music. 7. Experiencing a Sound Bath or other sound healing. 8. A Sun Salutation. 9. A twenty-minute timed nap. 10. Praying. 11. Crafting a small altar for your home. 12. A long, warm bath. 13. Taking regular breaks from social media. 14. Not immediately responding to texts and emails. 15. Deep listening to a full music album. 16. A meditative walk in nature. 17. Knitting, crocheting, sewing, and quilting. 18. Playing a musical instrument. 19. Deep eye contact. 20. Laughing intensely.
-- The concept of filling up your cup first, so you can have enough in it to pour to others feel off balance. It reeks of capitalist language that is now a part of our daily mantras. Language like "I will sleep when I am dead," "Rise and grind," "While they sleep, I grind," "If it doesn't make money, it doesn't make sense," "Wake up and hustle," and many more. The cup metaphor also is most often geared toward women, who, because of patriarchy and sexism, carry the burden of labor. Marginalized women, specifically Black and Latina women, make up the largest group of laborers in a capitalist system. Our labor history historically has been used to make the lives of white women less hectic and more relaxed. So when I hear and see this "filling your cup" language repeated on memes on social media and in the larger wellness community, I realize that our view of rest is still burdened with the lies of grind culture. I propose that the cups all be broken into little pieces, and we replace pouring with resting and connecting with our bodies in a way that is centered on experimentation and repair. I don't want to pour anymore.
One of Hersey's contributions is being an advocate for rest. Everywhere we turn, there are apostles for productivity: growing faster, advancing further, earning more, boosting your numbers. Slowing down, taking a breather, or daydreaming are practically heretical. The very thought of quitting seems hateful to most westerners. It makes me wonder who's benefiting from these narratives. Not people who are content with what they have. I was relieved to find reinforcement here that I'm already doing a few things on Hersey's list: taking long showers, a half hour nap after lunch on workdays and taking a walk when I get home.
Hersey includes a few personal anecdotes and I would've liked much more of that. Most of this manifesto is repetitive, with words like "grind culture," "side hustle," "white supremacy" or "capitalism" repeated over and over and over. I would've preferred a book that included interviews with social scientists, teachers, caregivers and others discussing how they burned out, how they benefited from rest and what that looked like for them. This manifesto is a good starting point, but my recommendation is to put your $13 toward rest and instead of buying this ebook, search Tricia Hersey on Google or YouTube....more
Like every successful standup comedian today, Aziz Ansari was offered a book deal. Though Patton Oswalt did turn his offer into Silver Screen Fiend: LLike every successful standup comedian today, Aziz Ansari was offered a book deal. Though Patton Oswalt did turn his offer into Silver Screen Fiend: Learning About Life from an Addiction to Film, Ansari's peers have largely released memoirs or joke books; even George Carlin wasn't above taking money that a publishing house was giving away and adding "New York Times bestselling author" to his accomplishments. Winning the award for original thought, Ansari turned his offer into Modern Romance, a seriously amusing and documented sociological look at why with more options than ever, people feel more frustrated searching for a partner than ever.
In collaboration with sociologist and author Eric Klinenberg as well as a football team of sociologists, research assistants and dating experts who consulted on data or organized focus groups, Ansari--born and raised in Bennettsville, South Carolina and at the time of his book's 2015 publication was 32, single, no children--is of course writing about himself just as much as his peers have in their books, but in analyzing why huge strides in civil rights and technology seem to have made the process of finding a mate more stressful, he's also writing about his audience. Like me!
-- It was remarkable. In total, fourteen of the thirty-six seniors I spoke with had ended up marrying someone who lived within walking distance of their childhood home. People were marrying neighbors who lived on the same street, in the same neighborhood, and even in the same building. It seemed a bit bizarre. "Guys," I said. "You're in New York City. Did you ever think, Oh, maybe there's some people outside of my building? Why limit yourself so much? Why not expand your horizons?"
They just shrugged and said that it wasn't what was done.
-- When I talked to people about dating back in the day, they said they'd go to one bar or a mixer, which was like a community dance, usually put on by a church or college or other local institution, where young people could talk and meet. They'd stay there the whole night and have one or two drinks. That seems more pleasant than what I see out in bars today, which is usually a bunch of people staring at their phones trying to find someone or something more exciting than where they are.
-- The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone. In Alone Together Sherry Turkle tells the story of a young boy who had a standing appointment for a Sunday dinner with his grandparents. Every week, he'd want to cancel and his mom would tell him to call his grandparents and tell them he wasn't coming. However, he never would, because he couldn't bear to hear the disappointment in their voices. If it were text, though, he'd probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. As a medium, it's safe to say, texting facilitates flakiness and rudeness and many other personality traits that would not be expressed in a phone call or an in-person interaction.
--At our focus group on online dating in Manhattan, Derek got on OKCupid and let us watch as he went through his options. These were women whom OKCupid had selected as potential matches for him based on his profile and the site's algorithm. The first woman he clicked on was very beautiful, with a witty profile page, a good job, and lots of shared interests, including a love of sports. After looking it over for a minute or so, Derek said: "Well, she looks okay. I'm just gonna keep looking for a while."
I asked what was wrong, and he replied, "She likes the Red Sox."
I was completely shocked. I couldn't believe how quickly he just moved on. Imagine Derek of twenty years ago, finding out that this beautiful, charming woman wanted to date him. If she was in a bar and smiled at him, Derek of 1993 would have melted. He wouldn't have walked up and said, "Oh, wait, you like the Red Sox? No thank you!" and put his hand in her face and turned away. But Derek of 2013 just clicked an X on a Web browser tab and deleted her without thinking twice, like a J. Crew sweatshirt that didn't live up to his expectations upon seeing a larger picture.
-- On one of our subreddit threads we asked people to tell us about their best first dates, and it was amazing to see how many involved doing things that are easy and accessible but require just a bit more creativity than dinner and a movie.
His parents both work in media, and every year he goes to the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden and finds his way backstage through a combination of walking with a purpose and flashing media credentials his parents help with. Talk about impressing a first date! We then bought wine, which they served out of sippy cups, and made a drinking game out of the dog show. (Take a drink every time a dog jumps when it's not supposed to, and so on).
Dating aside, I'm definitely playing a Westminster dog show drinking game ASAP. That sounds fun!
-- Ending things by changing their status on social media without telling their partner is another way people break up these days. One woman told us: "In college, my boyfriend broke up with me by changing his Facebook status to single. We got back together six years later, and then he broke up with me over text message. I should probably stop dating him." If you start dating him again and he says he needs to stop by the 'blimp place," maybe brace yourself to read bad news in the sky.
Aziz Ansari reminds me of a bright younger brother, or perhaps energetic cousin, who you enjoy having around but at some point--maybe every hour, depending on what he's drinking or ingesting--you feel like telling, "All right, settle down, settle down." Not that I was expecting a dry sociological study of dating trends or even wanted to read one, but Ansari's book concept, his research and his energy are the chief reasons to read Modern Romance, not the jokes he slips in (I'll give him props for dropping a reference to the action movie Speed and what Jack Traven & Annie Porter can tell us about relationships forged from intense circumstances).
In addition to traveling to Tokyo and Buenos Aires for a look at two of the most extreme dating climates in the world--one where men have their libidos set to 1 and another where masculinity is cranked up to 11--I got the most value from the focus groups with senior citizens. I could easily see this book being expanded into a television program, where Ansari meets people of different groups in different cities to talk about romance. It's colorful, analytical and thought provoking, whether you're single like me, or in a committed relationship and curious what's going on out there, the same way I enjoy watching nature programs though I'm uninterested in hunting game on the plains.
My experience with modern romance is we do have so many choices and are in such a hurry to find the One but that the relationships that have been most memorable for me were those where I took the time to get to know someone in spite of ourselves. The Internet can so easily reduce the process of meeting people to ordering patio furniture, but people are not products, and my most meaningful relationships have been with women who weren't my "type" and vice-versa. Somehow we unplugged ourselves from the matrix and made a connection, but it's not easy. It makes me appreciate those relationships I've had so much more. This thoughtful and fun book reinforced that.
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