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It Takes One to Tango: How I Rescued My Marriage with (Almost) No Help from My Spouse―and How You Can, Too
With a focus on self-empowerment and resilience, this refreshing and witty relationship guide has a reassuring counterintuitive message for unhappy you only need one partner to initiate far-reaching positive change in a marriage.
Conventional wisdom says that “it takes two” to turn a troubled marriage around and that both partners must have a shared commitment to change. So when couples can’t agree on how—or whether—to make their marriage better, many give up or settle for a less-than-satisfying marriage (or think the only way out is divorce).
Fortunately, there is an alternative.
It Takes One to Tango is a groundbreaking guide that shows how one determined partner—acting alone—can spark lasting, significant change in a marriage, often accomplishing change that cannot be made any other way. It doesn’t matter how short-fused, argumentative, or seemingly impossible your partner can be—or how long you’ve been stuck.
Marriage and family therapist Winifred Reilly has this message for struggling Take the lead . Doing so is effective—and powerful. Through Reilly’s own story of reclaiming her now nearly forty-year marriage, along with anecdotes from many clients she’s worked with, you’ll learn how
-Focus on your own behaviors and change them in ways that make you feel good about yourself and your marriage
-Take a firm stand for what truly matters to you without arguing, cajoling, or resorting to threats
-Identify the “big picture” issues at the basis of your repetitive fights—and learn how to unhook from them
-Be less reactive, especially in the face of your spouse’s provocations
-Develop the strength and stamina to be the sole agent of change
Combining psychological theory, practical advice, and personal narrative, It Takes One to Tango is a fresh and engaging guide that will empower those who choose to take a bold, proactive approach to creating a loving and lasting marriage.
Conventional wisdom says that “it takes two” to turn a troubled marriage around and that both partners must have a shared commitment to change. So when couples can’t agree on how—or whether—to make their marriage better, many give up or settle for a less-than-satisfying marriage (or think the only way out is divorce).
Fortunately, there is an alternative.
It Takes One to Tango is a groundbreaking guide that shows how one determined partner—acting alone—can spark lasting, significant change in a marriage, often accomplishing change that cannot be made any other way. It doesn’t matter how short-fused, argumentative, or seemingly impossible your partner can be—or how long you’ve been stuck.
Marriage and family therapist Winifred Reilly has this message for struggling Take the lead . Doing so is effective—and powerful. Through Reilly’s own story of reclaiming her now nearly forty-year marriage, along with anecdotes from many clients she’s worked with, you’ll learn how
-Focus on your own behaviors and change them in ways that make you feel good about yourself and your marriage
-Take a firm stand for what truly matters to you without arguing, cajoling, or resorting to threats
-Identify the “big picture” issues at the basis of your repetitive fights—and learn how to unhook from them
-Be less reactive, especially in the face of your spouse’s provocations
-Develop the strength and stamina to be the sole agent of change
Combining psychological theory, practical advice, and personal narrative, It Takes One to Tango is a fresh and engaging guide that will empower those who choose to take a bold, proactive approach to creating a loving and lasting marriage.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published April 4, 2017
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August 1, 2017
Winifred Reilly is a family therapist who realizes that her own marriage is in decay. She decides that a major change is in order and proceeds to apply many of her own professional strategies towards salvaging her relationship. Winifred quickly realizes that the first step in improving her marriage is to revamp herself.
Each chapter describes special situations faced by her patients or revelations from her own marriage. Each crisis is dissected and the key themes are applied in her attempt to improve. This advice is summarized at the end of each chapter.
I found this book to be a sound portrayal of relationships and the struggles couples face seeking advice. While acknowledging the challenges of marriage, Winifred Reilly provides humor and honesty in her approach to the dilemma many adults struggle with today.
Each chapter describes special situations faced by her patients or revelations from her own marriage. Each crisis is dissected and the key themes are applied in her attempt to improve. This advice is summarized at the end of each chapter.
I found this book to be a sound portrayal of relationships and the struggles couples face seeking advice. While acknowledging the challenges of marriage, Winifred Reilly provides humor and honesty in her approach to the dilemma many adults struggle with today.
October 24, 2017
"It's up to you to make yourself happy in your marriage."
I heard an interview with the author on The Art of Charm and was really impressed with her focus on individuality and being the architect of your own joy in your relationship. This book does not disappoint one bit.
Since I JUST finished it about ten minutes ago, I haven't digested it well enough to provide a better summary than that. But if five stars and those words aren't enough to convince you that this is a great relationship book, I'll add this: I can actually imagine re-reading this one.
I heard an interview with the author on The Art of Charm and was really impressed with her focus on individuality and being the architect of your own joy in your relationship. This book does not disappoint one bit.
Since I JUST finished it about ten minutes ago, I haven't digested it well enough to provide a better summary than that. But if five stars and those words aren't enough to convince you that this is a great relationship book, I'll add this: I can actually imagine re-reading this one.
December 5, 2022
A good book. It can be summed up in a few sentences.
You are responsible for yourself and your own happiness. You choose to be married. Unhappy? Makes changes in and for yourself. Stop trying to change your partner.
There’s more that was good about relationship dynamics and hearing how other’s relationships were stalled or what they fought about. Those stories give you more time to reflect on your own situation.
You are responsible for yourself and your own happiness. You choose to be married. Unhappy? Makes changes in and for yourself. Stop trying to change your partner.
There’s more that was good about relationship dynamics and hearing how other’s relationships were stalled or what they fought about. Those stories give you more time to reflect on your own situation.
May 18, 2018
This book was outstanding. Don't let the title fool you: your marriage or relationship doesn't need to be in need of a rescue for you to reap the benefits of Winifred Reilly's message here, which is that you are the creator of your own joy and happiness in your relationship. I KNOW!!!!!! IT'S NOT YOUR PARTNER'S JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!!!! This is a book about how to make a life with a whole other individual who is different from you and functions differently from you, and it gives the tools and inspiration for you to make the changes yourself, in your own life, to bring you real fulfillment and happiness in and outside of your relationship. It's changed the way I look at myself, my marriage and a other important relationships in my life. I would highly recommend this book to anyone in a significant relationship.
August 7, 2017
Remember how we all thought it takes TWO to Tango? It seems not everyone agrees!
What happens when one partner in a relationship has had enough and is ready to give up and walk away? Most experts would argue both people in the relationship need to get together and figure out how to make it work, or basically, that’s, that! A new book, IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO (Touchstone) by Winifred M. Reilly, MA, MFT, argues, not so fast, take a step back. Perhaps it takes only one to tango!
Unlike most self-help books about marriage, IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO uses Reilly’s personal story about trying to keep her own once troubled marriage from coming apart. She didn’t want a divorce, and waiting for her hubby to leap up and embrace her ideas wasn’t working out any better. So she decided to rescue her marriage by herself, even though, at the outset, she had no idea what she was in for.
Here are just a couple of tips Reilly offers:
Focus on your own behaviors.
Take a firm stand for what matters.
Take a look at the BIG picture.
Try to respond, rather than being reactive.
Dig in, and use all of your strength, stamina … and love!
Reilly’s humorous and optimistic guide offers psychological theories as well as her own personal journey. Don’t give up!
What happens when one partner in a relationship has had enough and is ready to give up and walk away? Most experts would argue both people in the relationship need to get together and figure out how to make it work, or basically, that’s, that! A new book, IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO (Touchstone) by Winifred M. Reilly, MA, MFT, argues, not so fast, take a step back. Perhaps it takes only one to tango!
Unlike most self-help books about marriage, IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO uses Reilly’s personal story about trying to keep her own once troubled marriage from coming apart. She didn’t want a divorce, and waiting for her hubby to leap up and embrace her ideas wasn’t working out any better. So she decided to rescue her marriage by herself, even though, at the outset, she had no idea what she was in for.
Here are just a couple of tips Reilly offers:
Focus on your own behaviors.
Take a firm stand for what matters.
Take a look at the BIG picture.
Try to respond, rather than being reactive.
Dig in, and use all of your strength, stamina … and love!
Reilly’s humorous and optimistic guide offers psychological theories as well as her own personal journey. Don’t give up!
August 14, 2017
Let's just get into this, shall we? The book is broken up into three parts (For Better-or Worse, Now What Do I Do, and Welcome to Your Stronger, More Loving Relationship) and each part has little sub-chapters in it. The first section is basically a background of the author's own marriage and how she had an Oprah like "AHA moment" at a continuing education conference led by Ellyn Bader who talked about marriage. Winifred Reilly is a counselor and often deals with couples on the brink of divorce, for various reasons, and she (like so many others) finds difficulty on guiding these couples through troubled waters when her own marriage isn't an example of what a relationship should be. Like so many couples they bicker, fight over stupid stuff, and over time drift apart. Winifred and her husband had wildly different measures of contentment and the status quo so it's no wonder they were at odds all these years later.
And raise your hand if that mirrors your own relationship- I would bet all of us are sitting at our computers with our hands in the air like morons.
So part two is the meat of the book, it's essentially free marriage counseling with concrete how to steps on changing your marriage, all by yourself. So many of my friends are open to counseling but their husband won't go, doesn't see the point, doesn't think anything is wrong with him, etc and that's OK- that's why this book was written. Easily my FAVORITE chapter was the "Keep your anxiety from running the show: Strengthen your tolerance for the things that push your buttons" and holy hell, that is what I needed. Matt and I are very different communicators. I am very open, I'm willing to talk about anything and everything, and if I have an issue- I say it. Matt is the exact opposite. He says nothing. Ever. I could ask him a point blank question and I will get absolute silence. Eventually, when I get so angry at getting zero response, he'll say things like, "I was trying to think.." and then I lose it all together because I'm a mom, I will wait you out, buddy. We will sit on this damn couch for 45 minutes until you think of something but you damn sure aren't getting out of here without saying a word.
Cue the silent showdown. It's really terrible and I hate it. This book covers that. I'm trying really hard to implement the suggestions and it is HARD. At this point I seriously wonder if he is trying to send me over the edge on purpose.
The other chapter I really identified with was called, "What Happens Once You Calm Down?- Growing Separately, together". The best time in our marriage was around 2012-2014. I decided that since Matt didn't like to do the things I liked to do, and it was a nightmare to find a sitter for over nights and he always works, that I would go out with my friends. I went to concerts, I went to dinner with friends to talk, I would go out running and really took care of myself. I was the best wife during those times because I was happy. Not only that, but I was a great mom. I got breaks away from it all and I really feel like that was the key to a happy marriage/life. I didn't let the small things bother me, I felt like I more attentive to Matt, our communication was better, all things were functioning better in our relationship. When I look at life now and it's really awful, I see I'm not doing any of those things and we're all paying for it. I don't think having separate interests means you're bound to grow apart, it did the opposite for us. On page 220 there's a line that has always been a guiding thing for me, "..it's our job to make ourselves happy in our relationship." and it is so true.
Overall? I'm giving this book 5 stars. Truly. You know I don't give those out willy nilly but this is one of the first self help books I've read that left me feeling inspired and optimistic. I really think this is a great gift to newly married couples who think they'll never hit that rut, because we ALL hit that rut. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high, people think the lovey-dovey phase will always be around and nope... it sure won't. That fades, but you have to look around and see what is still there, hopefully a solid foundation. There is a certain calm and confidence you have when you know that without a doubt, you have someone who will always have your back even if you are dead wrong. Which reminds me of the time I made a scene at a local business because I was absolutely SURE I had just gotten ripped off. Matt was with me but figured it out far quicker than me that I was actually totally wrong and making an ass out of myself. He went along with it, backing me up, and as we were leaving he says, "you know you were totally wrong, right?", to which I replied, "Yup, but I was too far in before I figured it out." and we just laughed. So though Matt drives me to the edge of my sanity, I know he will always have my back.
And raise your hand if that mirrors your own relationship- I would bet all of us are sitting at our computers with our hands in the air like morons.
So part two is the meat of the book, it's essentially free marriage counseling with concrete how to steps on changing your marriage, all by yourself. So many of my friends are open to counseling but their husband won't go, doesn't see the point, doesn't think anything is wrong with him, etc and that's OK- that's why this book was written. Easily my FAVORITE chapter was the "Keep your anxiety from running the show: Strengthen your tolerance for the things that push your buttons" and holy hell, that is what I needed. Matt and I are very different communicators. I am very open, I'm willing to talk about anything and everything, and if I have an issue- I say it. Matt is the exact opposite. He says nothing. Ever. I could ask him a point blank question and I will get absolute silence. Eventually, when I get so angry at getting zero response, he'll say things like, "I was trying to think.." and then I lose it all together because I'm a mom, I will wait you out, buddy. We will sit on this damn couch for 45 minutes until you think of something but you damn sure aren't getting out of here without saying a word.
Cue the silent showdown. It's really terrible and I hate it. This book covers that. I'm trying really hard to implement the suggestions and it is HARD. At this point I seriously wonder if he is trying to send me over the edge on purpose.
The other chapter I really identified with was called, "What Happens Once You Calm Down?- Growing Separately, together". The best time in our marriage was around 2012-2014. I decided that since Matt didn't like to do the things I liked to do, and it was a nightmare to find a sitter for over nights and he always works, that I would go out with my friends. I went to concerts, I went to dinner with friends to talk, I would go out running and really took care of myself. I was the best wife during those times because I was happy. Not only that, but I was a great mom. I got breaks away from it all and I really feel like that was the key to a happy marriage/life. I didn't let the small things bother me, I felt like I more attentive to Matt, our communication was better, all things were functioning better in our relationship. When I look at life now and it's really awful, I see I'm not doing any of those things and we're all paying for it. I don't think having separate interests means you're bound to grow apart, it did the opposite for us. On page 220 there's a line that has always been a guiding thing for me, "..it's our job to make ourselves happy in our relationship." and it is so true.
Overall? I'm giving this book 5 stars. Truly. You know I don't give those out willy nilly but this is one of the first self help books I've read that left me feeling inspired and optimistic. I really think this is a great gift to newly married couples who think they'll never hit that rut, because we ALL hit that rut. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high, people think the lovey-dovey phase will always be around and nope... it sure won't. That fades, but you have to look around and see what is still there, hopefully a solid foundation. There is a certain calm and confidence you have when you know that without a doubt, you have someone who will always have your back even if you are dead wrong. Which reminds me of the time I made a scene at a local business because I was absolutely SURE I had just gotten ripped off. Matt was with me but figured it out far quicker than me that I was actually totally wrong and making an ass out of myself. He went along with it, backing me up, and as we were leaving he says, "you know you were totally wrong, right?", to which I replied, "Yup, but I was too far in before I figured it out." and we just laughed. So though Matt drives me to the edge of my sanity, I know he will always have my back.
January 19, 2018
Right on the tail end of a divorce, I'm finding myself reading all these relationship books. It has been both clarifying and interesting to me, to read how Winifred repaired her own marriage and counsels others to repair theirs.
I feel this book is helpful not just for marriages, but relationships as well. With a caveat:
She does not advocate staying in an abusive or destructive relationship. She is talking about marriage. If you are in a relationship that is running you through the wringer, you really have to ask yourself why you're staying in it, and if you really see something on the other side of the stress that is worth sticking it through. Research may be your friend on that one - issues like gaslighting and narcissism are good to read up on before you say "I'm going to try to stick it out with this person." Also, maybe setting a time limit on how long you're going to really try...
That said, whether your are in or out of a relationship, ending one or starting one, she makes a great case for personal accountability and responsibility in a relationship. It is a choice to be married and stay married, and a choice to leave it. It is your job to make you happy, not someone else's. It is your job to build your sense of self and strength in who you are, not someone else's. And, it is your responsibility to maintain your individual identity in a relationship, while accepting your partner's individuality as well. This does not drag you apart from your partner - it brings you closer. She makes a case that trying to become "one person" doesn't serve either person, and much of what we can't handle about a partner in a relationship is that they are not the same as we are. That is huge.
It gave me a lot to think about it, and I won't lie, I took a lot of notes. I felt like this was good basic information to have at hand.
This book compliments:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman
The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman
March 17, 2023
One of the best marriage books I’ve read (and I’ve read quite a few).
January 21, 2019
This is one of the truly best books of ever read on
Relationships between partners. The reading was extremely easy and delightful. The way it is written
Made it great for me to realize my part in all aspects of my marriage. There are moments of serious but more than anything there were more moments of charming stories that I could use to relate to my own circumstances. I have given this book to several of my friends and recommended to many others
A true worth it!!!!
Relationships between partners. The reading was extremely easy and delightful. The way it is written
Made it great for me to realize my part in all aspects of my marriage. There are moments of serious but more than anything there were more moments of charming stories that I could use to relate to my own circumstances. I have given this book to several of my friends and recommended to many others
A true worth it!!!!
May 25, 2017
I highly recommend Winifred Reilly's book to anyone who's married/partnered and looking to make positive change in their relationship. Like Reilly, I used to think that "it takes two" to create lasting change in a relationship, but her book offers a much-needed reframe of this idea. Reilly's core message is that it only takes one partner to initiate meaningful change in a marriage, an idea I find both reassuring and refreshing. I just finished the book two days ago and I've already found myself implementing some of Reilly's suggestions in my marriage and life.
In the past when I've read books on marriage, I've often found myself tuning out when they get too theoretical or preachy. But with Reilly's book, I was fully engaged in every chapter. The book is filled with an entertaining mix of stories from Reilly's own marriage and her clinical therapy practice, and I loved the takeaway summaries at the end of each chapter. I found myself dog-earing nearly every other page in the book, wanting to make sure I remember gems like:
"It turns out that once we stop having grass-is-greener fantasies and stop bemoaning our fate, we can get busy trying to make happen what matters to us, what will have the greatest chance of making a difference. We can work to unhook ourselves from our repetitive struggles. We can challenge the rules that we've allowed to constrain us. When we do, marriage really does get better." - p. 192
"Forty years of nonstop ecstasy is a lot to ask. Marriage is not about living in bliss, though we've certainly been led to think it should be. Happiness comes from learning how to live well with what's hard to adore. In a good marriage, we strive to love each other in spite of our annoyances and shortcomings. We open our hearts to someone who is imperfect. That includes people who scowl or chew loudly or don't fold their wash." - p. 237
Whether you're newly married or have been married for decades, whether you're feeling solid in your relationship or wobbling on thin ice, I encourage you to read It Takes Two to Tango. You'll laugh, you'll think, you'll challenge your own myths about marriage, and most of all, you'll feel inspired to take charge and make change in your own relationship. As Reilly says at the end of her book, "One person must take the first step. Why not let that person be you?"
In the past when I've read books on marriage, I've often found myself tuning out when they get too theoretical or preachy. But with Reilly's book, I was fully engaged in every chapter. The book is filled with an entertaining mix of stories from Reilly's own marriage and her clinical therapy practice, and I loved the takeaway summaries at the end of each chapter. I found myself dog-earing nearly every other page in the book, wanting to make sure I remember gems like:
"It turns out that once we stop having grass-is-greener fantasies and stop bemoaning our fate, we can get busy trying to make happen what matters to us, what will have the greatest chance of making a difference. We can work to unhook ourselves from our repetitive struggles. We can challenge the rules that we've allowed to constrain us. When we do, marriage really does get better." - p. 192
"Forty years of nonstop ecstasy is a lot to ask. Marriage is not about living in bliss, though we've certainly been led to think it should be. Happiness comes from learning how to live well with what's hard to adore. In a good marriage, we strive to love each other in spite of our annoyances and shortcomings. We open our hearts to someone who is imperfect. That includes people who scowl or chew loudly or don't fold their wash." - p. 237
Whether you're newly married or have been married for decades, whether you're feeling solid in your relationship or wobbling on thin ice, I encourage you to read It Takes Two to Tango. You'll laugh, you'll think, you'll challenge your own myths about marriage, and most of all, you'll feel inspired to take charge and make change in your own relationship. As Reilly says at the end of her book, "One person must take the first step. Why not let that person be you?"
August 14, 2020
Finally an accessible read of the developmental approach, integrating differentiation, attachment styles and neuroscience! Although not groundbreaking and brilliantly written like The Dance of Anger, Winifred Reilly speaks to the many layered and profound challenges of marriage. ITOTO offers a comprehensive road map for folks invested in growth and change.
May 27, 2017
I felt empowered reading this book. I haven't been married that long, but Reilly's book helped me see ahead to habits and patterns that might emerge and gave me strategies to challenge those problems as well as how to avoid them in the first place!
July 28, 2017
This is one of the BEST books on marriage I've ever read. I've highlighted almost every page. It takes courage and perserverance but one of you can change the whole course of your marriage. 8 steps up - 2 steps back, keep on course. It is possible. You will see growth in yourself like never before!
May 30, 2017
It Takes One to Tango is a unique treasure in the field of books about marriage. It gives you the power to do something about your relationship frustrations without spending hours complain to your spouse about their shortcomings. Ms. Reilly provides tangible steps to create change in yourself which will by default create change in your relationship. You don't have to wait for your spouse to agree to go to counseling. Hooray!
What I appreciate most about this book is Ms. Reilly's honesty. She is a marriage and family therapist who admits that her relationship was no better than the many people she counseled year after year. My favorite confession is that she and her husband did not get divorced because they never wanted to get divorced on the same day.
This is book is almost a "how to" in that it has practical steps mixed in with boarder philosophical concepts. Ms. Reilly describes how she gradually exercised herself out of a destructive pattern that always ended in a screaming match. You can envision yourself making the same choices and coming out on the other side with a better marriage. I have applied some of her recommendations in my own life, and while far from perfect, my marriage is improving.
What I appreciate most about this book is Ms. Reilly's honesty. She is a marriage and family therapist who admits that her relationship was no better than the many people she counseled year after year. My favorite confession is that she and her husband did not get divorced because they never wanted to get divorced on the same day.
This is book is almost a "how to" in that it has practical steps mixed in with boarder philosophical concepts. Ms. Reilly describes how she gradually exercised herself out of a destructive pattern that always ended in a screaming match. You can envision yourself making the same choices and coming out on the other side with a better marriage. I have applied some of her recommendations in my own life, and while far from perfect, my marriage is improving.
August 9, 2019
I liked how this book concentrated on changes you could make to help your relationship. Only reason it’s not five stars is that sometimes Reilly would mention a recurring problem and I would think “that! That’s what I’m doing! What do I do now? How do I make changes!?” And then she would change the subject and not go into specifics. I get that’s what therapy is for and yay therapy, but it was frustrating to be so close and so far away at the same time.
December 12, 2017
I felt empowered reading this book. I haven't been married that long, but Reilly's book helped me see ahead to habits and patterns that might emerge and gave me strategies to challenge those problems as well as how to avoid them in the first place!
February 10, 2019
This is a must read for everybody!!! Reilly's revolutionary perspective on marriage is guaranteed to up-level any relationship. Her main premise is that "we can stay with our partner, or we can leave. If we stay, we have to figure out how to navigate the difficult waters of our marriage. … We have to find a way to have staying be a choice we make wholeheartedly"(190). I find this idea so empowering, it makes me feel in control of the quality of my life. What a game changer!
With that said, it took about 80 pages for me to get hooked. Even by the end, I felt like the same ideas were just being rephrased over and over again. The way the ideas were presented didn't do justice to the power of the content.
I dog-eared so many pages in this book (sorry to my friend Melissa who lent me this book). Here are some lines I want to remember:
"It takes only one person quieting down to quiet the whole system; we have choices about what to do and how to respond, no matter what our partner has said or done." (86)
"I eventually realized that the battlefield was not where I'd originally thought and the enemy was not the seemingly formidable opponent I'd married. Slowly, it had begun to dawn on me that the progress I'd made, the battle I'd won, was with myself. I'd been wrestling with my automatic way of reacting, struggling with the intense anxiety of standing alone, working to calm myself even while [he] was egging me on." (88)
"If we have any hope of having a healthy and satisfying relationship, we must learn to function well despite feeling anxious." (103)
"All parts of a system are interconnected and therefore interreactive. Whether we're talking about a marriage, a family, or a freshwater pond, cleaning up even one small part of the system will create the conditions for other parts to become healthier, too." (114)
"Though few of us would question the wisdom of maintaining both a we and an I, most of tend toward one more than the other, while a healthy relationship requires that we have plenty of both. Too much togetherness will inhibit autonomy and prevent each individual from maintaining a well-defined self. Too much separateness will leave us disconnected and alienated, living like housemates or strangers or even enemies." (123-124)
"It is vital that we ask for what we want from our partners because it gives us our best shot at having a satisfying and enjoyable life. But we must be ready to accept disappointment and to somehow meet our own emotions needs - to soothe our own hurts - as there is no guarantee that our partner will comply with the requests that we've made." (129-130)
"[Be your] own source of support.... If we can mange ourselves come what may, then, when our partners do respond to our request for support or connection, it can feel like a gift we are happy to receive, rather than a need we are desperate to have them fulfill." (132)
"[Acquire] whatever skills we need to be steady on our own … I [am] the person I need to count on to keep myself safe and calm." (134)
"When seeking intimacy, we choose to step forward, daring to reveal ourselves - to be known come what may." (137)
"Alternatives are everywhere, and so are solutions, though when we're deep in our rut we're rarely able to spot them. We bumble around in our familiar struggles, turning to our old, ineffective strategies, responding in ways that are predictably unsatisfying." (199)
"As much as we long for our spouse to help resolve our dilemma - to get out of our way, to live life as we prefer - we will grow stronger (clearer, steadier) by finding a way out all on our own. Its up to us to grow, surrender, or tear out our hair. It's up to us to figure out how to be happy with the partner we picked." (225)
"Making ourselves happy is about taking full responsibility for the experience that we have in our relationship. It's about making peace with the things we cannot change." (237)
With that said, it took about 80 pages for me to get hooked. Even by the end, I felt like the same ideas were just being rephrased over and over again. The way the ideas were presented didn't do justice to the power of the content.
I dog-eared so many pages in this book (sorry to my friend Melissa who lent me this book). Here are some lines I want to remember:
"It takes only one person quieting down to quiet the whole system; we have choices about what to do and how to respond, no matter what our partner has said or done." (86)
"I eventually realized that the battlefield was not where I'd originally thought and the enemy was not the seemingly formidable opponent I'd married. Slowly, it had begun to dawn on me that the progress I'd made, the battle I'd won, was with myself. I'd been wrestling with my automatic way of reacting, struggling with the intense anxiety of standing alone, working to calm myself even while [he] was egging me on." (88)
"If we have any hope of having a healthy and satisfying relationship, we must learn to function well despite feeling anxious." (103)
"All parts of a system are interconnected and therefore interreactive. Whether we're talking about a marriage, a family, or a freshwater pond, cleaning up even one small part of the system will create the conditions for other parts to become healthier, too." (114)
"Though few of us would question the wisdom of maintaining both a we and an I, most of tend toward one more than the other, while a healthy relationship requires that we have plenty of both. Too much togetherness will inhibit autonomy and prevent each individual from maintaining a well-defined self. Too much separateness will leave us disconnected and alienated, living like housemates or strangers or even enemies." (123-124)
"It is vital that we ask for what we want from our partners because it gives us our best shot at having a satisfying and enjoyable life. But we must be ready to accept disappointment and to somehow meet our own emotions needs - to soothe our own hurts - as there is no guarantee that our partner will comply with the requests that we've made." (129-130)
"[Be your] own source of support.... If we can mange ourselves come what may, then, when our partners do respond to our request for support or connection, it can feel like a gift we are happy to receive, rather than a need we are desperate to have them fulfill." (132)
"[Acquire] whatever skills we need to be steady on our own … I [am] the person I need to count on to keep myself safe and calm." (134)
"When seeking intimacy, we choose to step forward, daring to reveal ourselves - to be known come what may." (137)
"Alternatives are everywhere, and so are solutions, though when we're deep in our rut we're rarely able to spot them. We bumble around in our familiar struggles, turning to our old, ineffective strategies, responding in ways that are predictably unsatisfying." (199)
"As much as we long for our spouse to help resolve our dilemma - to get out of our way, to live life as we prefer - we will grow stronger (clearer, steadier) by finding a way out all on our own. Its up to us to grow, surrender, or tear out our hair. It's up to us to figure out how to be happy with the partner we picked." (225)
"Making ourselves happy is about taking full responsibility for the experience that we have in our relationship. It's about making peace with the things we cannot change." (237)
April 16, 2024
There is a very simple recipe at the heart of Winifred Reilly's book. First, do you want to stay in the marriage? You get to choose. Secondly, if you want to stay, do what you can to make it work for you, regardless of how much effort your spouse wants to put in.
The recipe is simple, but not easy.
I wanted to read Reilly's book as part of my studies of Bowen Theory of family systems, even though I am not married. I was also motivated to read it as part of exploring what I can do make certain relationships work for me, regardless of the behaviour of the other person(s).
Early in the book (on page 23 in my copy), Reilly shares a description of five developmental stages within a marriage, which is worth the price of the book on its own. For me, this gave me a framework for understanding difficulties in certain (non-marital) relationships and also for understanding my work in that context. I found these relationships to be at stage two; where each of us struggles to accept the other's differences.
At this level, my task - consistent with Bowen Theory - is self differentiation. It is self differentiation regardless of how others respond. This is where the "not easy" comes in. I am learning to tolerate discomfort, whether my own or that of others, when differences occur.
One of the things I love about Reilly's book is the way she offers theory, her own experience and stories from her work with clients. All the points she makes are vividly illustrated. Each chapter ends with bullet point "takeways", key references are included in notes at the end of the book and there is an Appendix in which she lists typical and normal ways people avoid differentiation, based on the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson.
Beneath the topic of marriage, this book is essentially a book about growing up, which I am finding to be a life-long task. It is also often tender and vulnerable, because people may struggle to accept my - our - choices and still, we may want to make them and stand by them, weathering all the things people throw at us to try and get us to do things their way.
Fortunately, Reilly is in a position to report that her own attempts to tango have, over time, brought significant benefits to her marriage, such that she and her husband enjoy a quality of relationship that is deeper and more nourishing for them both. This is also her gift to her clients.
There's a great deal in this book to benefit couples. I also find it helpful in the wider context of relationships. I can recommend it whole-heartedly.
The recipe is simple, but not easy.
I wanted to read Reilly's book as part of my studies of Bowen Theory of family systems, even though I am not married. I was also motivated to read it as part of exploring what I can do make certain relationships work for me, regardless of the behaviour of the other person(s).
Early in the book (on page 23 in my copy), Reilly shares a description of five developmental stages within a marriage, which is worth the price of the book on its own. For me, this gave me a framework for understanding difficulties in certain (non-marital) relationships and also for understanding my work in that context. I found these relationships to be at stage two; where each of us struggles to accept the other's differences.
At this level, my task - consistent with Bowen Theory - is self differentiation. It is self differentiation regardless of how others respond. This is where the "not easy" comes in. I am learning to tolerate discomfort, whether my own or that of others, when differences occur.
One of the things I love about Reilly's book is the way she offers theory, her own experience and stories from her work with clients. All the points she makes are vividly illustrated. Each chapter ends with bullet point "takeways", key references are included in notes at the end of the book and there is an Appendix in which she lists typical and normal ways people avoid differentiation, based on the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson.
Beneath the topic of marriage, this book is essentially a book about growing up, which I am finding to be a life-long task. It is also often tender and vulnerable, because people may struggle to accept my - our - choices and still, we may want to make them and stand by them, weathering all the things people throw at us to try and get us to do things their way.
Fortunately, Reilly is in a position to report that her own attempts to tango have, over time, brought significant benefits to her marriage, such that she and her husband enjoy a quality of relationship that is deeper and more nourishing for them both. This is also her gift to her clients.
There's a great deal in this book to benefit couples. I also find it helpful in the wider context of relationships. I can recommend it whole-heartedly.
December 19, 2017
I learned so much from this book! Even though it's written as mostly (half?) memoir and the author uses her own marriage as the basis for her exploration into different approaches to marriage counseling (she was desperate, and what she was doing wasn't working...and she was a marriage therapist!). It's grounded in theory, and she had practical advice for how to make changes on your own. I expected there to be more "activities" (questionnaires, for example) for couples to work on, but this book wasn't a how-to manual. It was more about taking a different approach mentally about the way to fix issues in your marriage, and i thought it was seriously refreshing.
Here were my two big takeaways: Her main thesis revolves around Family Systems Theory (Bowen): if you change one part of the system (yourself, which is really all that you CAN change) then the system changes. So if you respond to a familiar, age-old argument between you and your spouse that you have regularly, then they have no response but to change as well--you're different, so they're different. Brilliant!
And the other takeaway was Bader and Pearson's stages of relationships: symbiosis, differentiation, practicing, rapproachment, and mutual interdependence. Reilly posits that most marital conflict is common, and natural, and we get stuck in differentiation--the honeymoon is over. But if we can figure out how to get past this and embrace each other's differences (and our conflict over them) we can have boundaries, and interdependence, which brings us even closer together. We're different--together. I'm a researcher at heart, so I really respected her use of theory (which she learned at different professional development seminars) and how she incorporated that not only into her marriage but in her practice as well.
I read this book weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it. It seems deceptively simple and yet it's not. Her story ends with the idea that we have to make ourselves happy in our marriage. We can't make the other person happy and we can't change them. So what can we do to make ourselves happy? And by doing that, we make ourselves better. Very inspiring!
Here were my two big takeaways: Her main thesis revolves around Family Systems Theory (Bowen): if you change one part of the system (yourself, which is really all that you CAN change) then the system changes. So if you respond to a familiar, age-old argument between you and your spouse that you have regularly, then they have no response but to change as well--you're different, so they're different. Brilliant!
And the other takeaway was Bader and Pearson's stages of relationships: symbiosis, differentiation, practicing, rapproachment, and mutual interdependence. Reilly posits that most marital conflict is common, and natural, and we get stuck in differentiation--the honeymoon is over. But if we can figure out how to get past this and embrace each other's differences (and our conflict over them) we can have boundaries, and interdependence, which brings us even closer together. We're different--together. I'm a researcher at heart, so I really respected her use of theory (which she learned at different professional development seminars) and how she incorporated that not only into her marriage but in her practice as well.
I read this book weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it. It seems deceptively simple and yet it's not. Her story ends with the idea that we have to make ourselves happy in our marriage. We can't make the other person happy and we can't change them. So what can we do to make ourselves happy? And by doing that, we make ourselves better. Very inspiring!
February 13, 2018
What a beautiful book. I mean, of course the cover is just gorgeous, and that is what originally captured my eyes when I was at the library looking for a book to read, but the content is just as beautiful! This is a book written by a marriage counsellor about how you can save your marriage, or your relationship, and just feel overall happier when it comes to relationships. She uses real life examples from patients she has had, as well as her own marriage. There are many examples to which you can relate to, and it kind of gives you free therapy and an outside perspective. She analyzes problems and emphasizes where things go wrong and how to fix things. She goes through the process of realizing you have a problem, and then taking the first step to fix it. She says that you cannot expect your partner to change if you don't change yourself, and the fault lies between both of you, and if you want the relationship to work, you have to take that first step and make small changes. The strategy I liked the most was the disengage strategy. Every time you get in a fight with your partner and you think you are about to start yelling or say mean things, just take a deep breath, say you need a minute to collect your thoughts, and leave the room. The second you take a walk, drink some water, etc, you will not only gather your thoughts so you can converse in a more rational manner and not regret what you say later, but the initiative anger would've worn off, so you're also feeling better and thinking more clearly. This also gives your partner some room to breathe so that you can solve the conflict in a more mature manner. This book really gave me great insight and taught me wonderful skills.
May 9, 2019
Definitely in my Top 5 for relationship books. Reilly is a marriage therapist stuck in loops of conflict and on-hold in her own marriage, all the while seeing clients and counseling them on their issues. After attending a seminar at the suggestion of a friend and thinking “Why not, I can use the development credits” she discovers the key to slowly nudging her marriage out of its doldrums: Change starts from within. There is no need to wait for the right time or for a spouse/partner to get onboard, because changing one’s behavior can start now and a partner may never see a reason to change.
As Reilly begins to notice small but measurable changes in her marriage, she begins to offer suggestions and advice to her clients that she never would have before. As the number of epiphanies in her practice grow, so does the quality of her marriage.
Key takeaways are relationships are always messy and there are intrinsic conflicts in every marriage; some may persist for decades yet the spouses are overall satisfied with the relationship. A lot of conflicts come down to communication and the majority of barriers and sources of conflict trace back to a past event. Identify the past event, rather than the symptom, address the underlying cause of the behavioral barrier, and you’re on the road to controlling your actions and making better choices that lead to much improved relationships.
Finally, the methods Reilly shares are not unsustainable or require unrealistic effort, time, or resources. Definitely a win for couples looking for a better relationship when all they seem to do is go round and round about the same issues and never attain lasting resolution.
As Reilly begins to notice small but measurable changes in her marriage, she begins to offer suggestions and advice to her clients that she never would have before. As the number of epiphanies in her practice grow, so does the quality of her marriage.
Key takeaways are relationships are always messy and there are intrinsic conflicts in every marriage; some may persist for decades yet the spouses are overall satisfied with the relationship. A lot of conflicts come down to communication and the majority of barriers and sources of conflict trace back to a past event. Identify the past event, rather than the symptom, address the underlying cause of the behavioral barrier, and you’re on the road to controlling your actions and making better choices that lead to much improved relationships.
Finally, the methods Reilly shares are not unsustainable or require unrealistic effort, time, or resources. Definitely a win for couples looking for a better relationship when all they seem to do is go round and round about the same issues and never attain lasting resolution.
July 10, 2018
I loved this book. The tango is a difficult dance to do. Nice to find out that I can do it alone. The author has a very refreshing view of how to make marriage work, whether one's partner wants to cooperate in the endeavor or not. Her ideas are similar to those of Michelle Weiner-Davis, who wrote "The Divorce Remedy." I highlighted quite a bit of this book and want to go back and re-read it. When couples come for therapy, they are usually hoping (even expecting) the therapist to tell their spouse how to change. Reilly reminds us that the only person who can change is one's self. Marriage is difficult and everyone struggles to make it work. The content of couples' arguments often revolves around typical issues such as neat vs. disorganized, early vs. late, needing affection vs. wanting distance, etc. The secret to a lasting marriage is to learn how to live with our differences. Or as I often say, the secret to staying married is not to get divorced!
December 3, 2021
The central core of this book is the idea that any agreement towards change is flawed, because outside stimulus can never have a lasting effect. The only true change can come from inside a person, thus it is individual. Most people have the flawed opinion that their happiness should come from relationship or from partner, but it’s the other way around: we should work on becoming happy people individually and this happiness can then spread into the relationship as well. I also liked the idea how most people “learn” to cope with anxiety the wrong way: i feel anxious so you must change; or you feel anxious so I must change. No, anxiety comes from within and the person having it should work on that. A lot of lively stories in this book, not a dry bullet list of to-do actions. Of course it’s a bit of ironic that the author was a relationship coach herself while she had a non-working relationship at home. But in the end she got herself to a new level and wrote this book.
February 20, 2018
2.5 stars. I like the thrust of the book--that one person can unilaterally change a relationship's dynamic, but this thing is padddddded. it's fat with banalities of the author's marriage difficulties and thin with specific things someone can do to change their relationship system (and many of these things you'll have to abstract from the author's personal examples). some good points about hidden relationship rules, but I would have preferred a lot more on that. anyhow, it was not altogether a satisfying read (unless you get some thrill in identifying with the author in page after page after page of her descriptions of her insoluble marital issues). a better book to start with would be david burns' 'feeling good together.'
January 22, 2019
This is a relationship-changing and life-changing book.
It pointed out what should have been obvious: You can’t control someone else’s behavior, and letting their behavior control you leaves you powerless.
The lesson here: it’s up to each of us to keep our cool and behave well in our marriage, and we don’t have to be infected by our partner’s not always doing their best.
The book also taught me that working to do your best even when your spouse is not at their best is a great way to become more resilient and a stronger person overall, who can better handle all the stressors of life.
That is magic. And that is why I say the book is life-changing.
By far the best marriage improvement book I ever read.
It pointed out what should have been obvious: You can’t control someone else’s behavior, and letting their behavior control you leaves you powerless.
The lesson here: it’s up to each of us to keep our cool and behave well in our marriage, and we don’t have to be infected by our partner’s not always doing their best.
The book also taught me that working to do your best even when your spouse is not at their best is a great way to become more resilient and a stronger person overall, who can better handle all the stressors of life.
That is magic. And that is why I say the book is life-changing.
By far the best marriage improvement book I ever read.
February 17, 2019
I feel like I have a great marriage; however, I'm one of those people who is always seeking ways to improve, whether it's through better communication skills, being able to deflate conflict, or just gracefully accepting what life throws at me. "It Takes One to Tango" is set up as a marriage conflict resolution book. Reilly encourages her readers that it only takes one personal making unilateral changes to significantly impact a relationship. It got me thinking. Many of the tips are applicable for any rocky personal relationship. What's the saying? You have no control over other people's actions, just yours. So, whether it's your marriage or another relationship you would like to improve, Reilly provides sound advice on how to make the most of your part in the relationship.
April 16, 2019
Amazing. Rarely have a read a book I feel like highlighting every other page. Of course I resisted—I don’t normally mark book—but I shouldn’t have. I’m sure it won’t be as applicable to everyone, and I feel like in 13+ years I’ve been fortunate to stumble upon a few of the things in this book before the author did in her own marriage. But it’s nice to have the reasons mapped out. I feel like parts of the book are also applicable to other relationships (friends and business), though with a bit more abstraction. All relationships will benefit from each person being more sure of themselves, and more grown up.
June 30, 2018
Maybe I’m woefully naive about marriage, but this book seemed pretty basic. While the recommendation to improve your own shit to make a better marriage was intriguing, the basic message is “stop fighting about minutiae, figure out the bigger picture, and keep trying things till it improves.” Which is good advice, but the author treats it as a massive revelation, which strikes me as odd given that she’s a marriage counselor.
But what does my single ass know? Maybe I’ll come back around to it when I’m married and in shouting matches over dishes.
But what does my single ass know? Maybe I’ll come back around to it when I’m married and in shouting matches over dishes.
September 2, 2020
Anyone who has ever had trouble in a relationship beyond 6-12 months would benefit from reading this book.
Big message: relationships and marriage are not easy. Don't expect them to be. But you have a choice to be with the person you're with. If you choose to stay with that person, then it is up to you to find a way to be happy with that person. Make a unilateral move - one that promotes your own growth. You'd be surprised how effective it will be. You may even see your partner reflect that move with one of their own. Then you will have climbed the developmental ladder of your relationship.
Big message: relationships and marriage are not easy. Don't expect them to be. But you have a choice to be with the person you're with. If you choose to stay with that person, then it is up to you to find a way to be happy with that person. Make a unilateral move - one that promotes your own growth. You'd be surprised how effective it will be. You may even see your partner reflect that move with one of their own. Then you will have climbed the developmental ladder of your relationship.
November 24, 2018
I can't believe this author is a couples therapist. She had a spouse willing to go to therapy with her and they obviously chose an untrained therapist as well. The concepts in this book should be an absolute last resort and only if you have a spouse unwilling to get help with you. I would recommend trying Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) with your partner before any other option. The "Developmental Model" highlighted in the book has little research to back its effectiveness.
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