Comedian Quotes

“Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you.”
― Louis C.K.

“Every job from the heart is, ultimately, of equal value. The nurse injects the syringe; the writer slides the pen; the farmer plows the dirt; the comedian draws the laughter. Monetary income is the perfect deceiver of a man's true worth.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”
― Louis C.K.

“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!”
― Demetri Martin

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
― Demetri Martin

“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?
Peanut: Yes we had a great day!
Jose: No we did not.
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No we did not have a good day.
Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!
What?
Jeff: Did you have a good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: A good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.
Peanut: I took him to the spa!
Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”
― Jeff Dunham

“To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
― Steven Wright

“Glass half full, or glass half empty, what am I? The answer? I'm not the bloody glass, I'm the fucking tap! Meaning, whatever my glass decides to be on a certain day, empty or full, I control how I feel and the flow of the milkshake inside it”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Comedian Gone Wrong

“A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?”
― Bill Bailey

“The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.”
― John Updike, Rabbit, Run

“The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.”
― John Oliver

“I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Am I bothered? Am I bothered though. I ain't doing nothing cause I ain't bothered.”
― Catherine Tate

“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
― Doug Stanhope

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“It's strange sometimes, you know, like I'm doing great. But when I'm alone, I'm with the person that tried to kill me. Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I'm like, 'Oh great, this fucking guy again. Jesus.' That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes, but it's also a nice feeling. It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes. 'Cause, like, look, I... I used to care what everyone thought about me... so much. It was all I cared about. All I cared about was what other people thought of me. And I don't anymore. And I don't because I can honestly say: What is someone going to do to me that's worse than what I would do to myself? What, are you going to cancel John Mulaney? I'll kill him. I almost did.”
― John Mulaney

“My ship came in,then it sank!”
― Brian T. Shirley

“Every sane toddler is an aspiring comedian.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Humorous people are often privately struggling with depression.”
― Steven Magee

“Seth Rogen is a unique comedian. When he makes a joke, he's the only one who laughs.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want to go into comedy to make money. I just want to perform on that stage. If I do make money, then... great! But if I don’t, that’s okay.
I’m satisfied living out this calling any way I can.”
― Sunshine Rodgers, Andrew's First Act

“The difference between a cartoonist and an illustrator was the same as the difference between a comedian and a comedy actor - the former both deliver their own lines and take full responsibility for them, the latter could always hide behind the fact that it was not his entire creation.”
― Calum MacKenzie

“The joker can be the most depressed.”
― Steven Magee

“You know, I wanted to be a comedian but nobody took me seriously.”
― A.J. Schaar, Oggetto Metallico: Mussolini and The Pope

“Here is one tip!
In movies, TV Shows and comics
when your parents die or somebody closer die you become a superhero in reality you become
a comedian.
Also known long time asshole!”
― Deyth Banger, Jokes From BJ 1,2 and 3

“It really is something when you can make collecting and organising objects boring to a young kid with autism spectrum disorder (but that’s exactly what Stamp Explorer managed to do).”
― Hannah Gadsby, Ten Steps to Nanette

“The key to being a comedian is to be wealthy. The richer you are, the funnier you are to women, and no matter what you say they'll be laughing and giggling.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Now, I'm not claiming to have won any intelligence contests lately. I say lately because the last time I actually entered an intelligence contest was like seven years ago. It was pretty easy to sign up. I just had to send this guy two thousand dollars and answer some pretty tough questions from memory. They were mainly about my family history and some of my personal information--- stuff like my social security number and whatnot. I don't like to brag, but I aced it. The guy even sent me a framed certificate that now proudly hangs in the new office I built after we declared bankruptcy due to some random identity theft.
You think a fifth grader could do all that? I doubt it. Who are smarter now?”
― Tim Hawkins