Humorous Quote Quotes

“Behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.”
― Hank Green, An Absolutely Remarkable Thing

“Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."

"You just got here."

"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not."

"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“The revelation that I’m destined to meet many virgins from the East and the promise of limitless love they hold in their bosoms gives me strength, fortitude, and tenacity—and the wisdom to know that all three are synonyms.”
― Merlin Franco, Saint Richard Parker

“If we turn a blind eye to the fact that your opinion is entirely wrong, you're quite right.”
― NisiOisiN, Zaregoto, Book 1: The Kubikiri Cycle

“Every time I speak of the haters and losers I do so with great love and affection. They cannot help the fact that they were born fucked up!”
― Donald J. Trump

“A werewolf is courting me with a dead rabbit. There's nothing subtle here."
"Couldn't have been flowers," she muttered as she slid on her rubber boots by the door.
"He gave you flowers," I reminded her as she stepped down the porch.
"I meant for you," she said. She bent over and grabbed the rabbit by the ears, pulling it up off the ground. It came up with a low crackle, grass stuck to the underside. "Courting. I swear."
"Why are you touching it?" I said, sounding horrified.
"We can't leave it here," she said. "He'll be offended."
"I'll be honest. I'm already offended.”
― T.J. Klune, Wolfsong

“In the sudden silence, the crunching became absurdly loud, the demolition of small artificially flavored rice puffs filling the entire living room”
― Marissa Meyer, Renegades

“Master Ren: "To quote the poets.. we're fucked".”
― Marjorie M. Liu, Monstress, Vol. 1: Awakening

“What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Make this m-more interesting, or I'm going to drink a lot faster.”
― Kate Quinn, The Alice Network

“Calvin sees the landline telephone ringing. He picks up the receiver.

CALVIN:

Hello

THE VOICE OF THE CALLER:

May I speak with your father, please?

CALVIN:

Heck, you don't need MY permisson! Be my guest!

CALVIN, turning his back on the phone. He hangs up. Then he sneers:

What a weirdo.

THE LANDLINE TELPHONE:

Ring, Ring”
― Bill Watterson, Yukon Ho!

“You could have gone dark side," Tanner said.
"Like full-on Darth Gordo," Chris said.
Gordo put his face in his hands. "I told you guys, I'm a witch. I'm not a Jedi."
"Um, excuse me," Rico said. "Can you or can you not shoot Force lightning from your fingertips."
"It's not Force--"
"We rest our case," Tanner said quite loudly.”
― T.J. Klune, Wolfsong

“When life gives you lemons, you can either use it as spider repellent or you can sue life for those stupid lemons.”
― Ariel Suriya

“The truth has a way of wiggling out.”
― Ronald H. Balson, Defending Britta Stein

“The flowers danced, knowing that they will die.”
― Ethen Strine

“You must have me confused with somebody who likes to eat fried clams,” said Jake. “I’m the guy who likes fried shrimps, remember?”
― Dave Feder, Tortured Shrimp

“When the girls left that afternoon, they left behind the aura of their unsolved problems and dilemmas. I felt exhausted, I chose the only way I knew to cope with problems. I went to the refrigerator, scooped up the coffee ice cream. Poured some cold coffee over it, looked for walnuts, discovered we had none left, went after almonds, crushed them with my teeth and sprinkled them over my concoction.”
― Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books

“When readers tell me they've finished one of my books in a single sitting, I can't help but amazed. People are getting really good at sitting.”
― Edwin McRae

“When a loved one kicks the bucket or ‘basket’, the survivors, while crying their sockets out, will head for the market to buy casket or blanket to lay him to rest.”
― Vincent Okay Nwachukwu, Weighty 'n' Worthy African Proverbs - Volume 1

“I've only been in a few fights. But, I've been in several beatings.”
― Steven M. Nedeau, Memory Reborn

“Ellinor crossed her arms over her chest, her headache returning in force with Lazar’s words. “So what you’re trying to tell me is, we’re fucked. That about sums it up, yeah?”
Lazar smirked. “I just said we’d be in for trouble.”
― C.E. Clayton, Resistor

“Monday mornings wouldn’t be such a drag if school started on Tuesdays.”
― Risa Nyman, Swallowed by a Secret

“Define Irony... bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band who died in a plane crash".”
― Steve Buescimi

“If there is no room for argument, then find a toilet. And, flush out that argumentative person.”
― Rahul Guhathakurta

“Elle était si proche de lui qu'il distinguait les pores de sa peau. Contrairement à lui, elle attachait une grande importance à son hygiène corporelle. Le dernier peeling de Martin remontait à un an, quand deux Solvènes l'avaient traîné sur l'asphalte d'une aire d'autoroute en lui plaquant la figure contre le sol.”
― Sebastian Fitzek, Passagier 23

“I, conversely, have been racing cars since the first ones rolled off the assembly line. I am arguably one of the best drivers in the world, and I am certainly the best driver in this motley crew.” He cleared his throat and drew himself up in absolute regal authority, “Besides, it is my bloody car. So, get in. The lot of you are making my head hurt.” —Prince Peter ben Korah”
― Staci Morrison, M1-The Black Key

“So, how did you get out of Borlan’s warehouse?”
Marcus brightened. “He tried to shoot me…with my own gun.”
“That rusted chunk of metal you keep in the bottom of your car?”
“The very same.” Marcus nodded. “I think it blew off his left hand.”
Morgan grimaced at the thought.
“You think he’s left-handed?” Marcus conjectured.
“Not anymore.” Morgan smirked.”
― W.C. Phipps, The Last Invisible Man:

“Stuff doesn't have to be in the gutter to be great”
― Stefanie Mellor

“Mungo, Gillis, the earl is awake,” a gravelly old voice below the window gasped. Max turned his head to gaze below him. A gaggle of old men sat huddled under the window, like a gathering of geriatric Romeos from a Shakespeare revival.”
― Eric Holtgrefe, Love and Honor in the Felgenland: A Story in the Felgenlander Saga

“When the world found out the fae existed, everything went to shit. Pardon my French.”
― Hannah Levin, The Treasured One