I was recommended this book from a friend after bemoaning the fact that I was getting attitude from my 13-month old, which seemed super young to me toI was recommended this book from a friend after bemoaning the fact that I was getting attitude from my 13-month old, which seemed super young to me to start getting an attitude! But maybe he's just advanced. This book completely changed my perspective in how I approach him, which instead of saying "no no no!" is all about respecting your child as a person with their own desires and needs, setting appropriate goals, and making their space safe to explore and discover. By doing that (mostly by letting him figure out things on his own, and baby proof the kitchen cabinets so he can explore!) I've reduced the hand-tapping, no-no-no'ing and we've all been happier. The mindset is a work in progress, but I love the philosophy....more
I learned so much from this book! Even though it's written as mostly (half?) memoir and the author uses her own marriage as the basis for her exploratI learned so much from this book! Even though it's written as mostly (half?) memoir and the author uses her own marriage as the basis for her exploration into different approaches to marriage counseling (she was desperate, and what she was doing wasn't working...and she was a marriage therapist!). It's grounded in theory, and she had practical advice for how to make changes on your own. I expected there to be more "activities" (questionnaires, for example) for couples to work on, but this book wasn't a how-to manual. It was more about taking a different approach mentally about the way to fix issues in your marriage, and i thought it was seriously refreshing.
Here were my two big takeaways: Her main thesis revolves around Family Systems Theory (Bowen): if you change one part of the system (yourself, which is really all that you CAN change) then the system changes. So if you respond to a familiar, age-old argument between you and your spouse that you have regularly, then they have no response but to change as well--you're different, so they're different. Brilliant!
And the other takeaway was Bader and Pearson's stages of relationships: symbiosis, differentiation, practicing, rapproachment, and mutual interdependence. Reilly posits that most marital conflict is common, and natural, and we get stuck in differentiation--the honeymoon is over. But if we can figure out how to get past this and embrace each other's differences (and our conflict over them) we can have boundaries, and interdependence, which brings us even closer together. We're different--together. I'm a researcher at heart, so I really respected her use of theory (which she learned at different professional development seminars) and how she incorporated that not only into her marriage but in her practice as well.
I read this book weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it. It seems deceptively simple and yet it's not. Her story ends with the idea that we have to make ourselves happy in our marriage. We can't make the other person happy and we can't change them. So what can we do to make ourselves happy? And by doing that, we make ourselves better. Very inspiring!...more
This is challenging material, but I love that Komisar's book is grounded in research, which gives weight to her argument--mothers should be more preseThis is challenging material, but I love that Komisar's book is grounded in research, which gives weight to her argument--mothers should be more present (and if possible, home) with their babies from birth to 3. As many working women struggle to find balance (is it even possible??) in the workplace after their baby is born (and I completely relate), her argument that we shouldn't really be working full-time if we don't need to be for their first three years is really challenging. Some women love working. Some women feel they have to work. But a big chunk of her book is educating women that the best thing for their babies is that they provide their presence and their time. And if you can, try to figure out a way to adjust your hours or consult or put your career on hold for a few years during this symbiotic with your baby. I'm lucky that my parents can take care of the baby during the day while I work and he seems really well adjusted, but I don't want to do this pace forever. It's awful and stressful and is not my dream for my life at this moment. He's only young once. And we'd like to have another one. So what kind of sacrifices do I (and my husband) need to make to do what's best for our baby(ies)? It was a great read, very thought-provoking, and I've been fascinating by the (much negative) reaction from press and popular culture to her book. She's struck a nerve, and I admire anyone who pushes forward through that to get her voice heard. Preach it, Erica!...more
This book perfectly encapsulated my feelings being a working mom and the struggles that comes with it (her research on the average time women breastfeThis book perfectly encapsulated my feelings being a working mom and the struggles that comes with it (her research on the average time women breastfed once they're back at work being about one month--which was how long I lasted--was a good indicator that she understood just one of the challenges of a new working mom). I really do feel that working women have been sold a bill of goods. We're supposed to pretend we don't have kids for 8 hours a day (plus the commute) and then pretend we don't have work when we're home with our family. And it's BS. There should be way more support for mothers. I'm one for small government in many instances...but not in this case. No paid maternity leave, little flex time, no check-ins from nurses/midwives after the birth and throughout the first year--these are the bare minimums of support we should provide for our wives and mothers who are doing the most important work. And let's not get into the costs of childcare, which seem to punish just about everyone at every level. And I don't even want to have childcare costs! I'd rather stay at home and work part-time or on a flex level. It feels like we've sold out the value of mothering in favor of women working, and I'm not sure why there's not room for both. Alcorn wrote a clear and provocative story of her own experiences which I'm sure millions of women can relate to. Great read....more
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